it's been one HeLLuvA year...

If i was told years ago that my life would be the way it is now... i would've laughed in that person's face, brushed that comment aside, and have forgotten about it and thought nothing of it in an instant. I'm sure of it. I never thought this is what 2004 would've been like for me... never. But i'm not complaining... nothing but good has come from it and i'm happier than i have ever been my whole life...

What can i say? It's difinitely been one of a kind.

*January 16, 2004... i found out i was having a baby boy.
*May 4, 2004... Dylan came into my life and i experienced love and happiness like never before.
*December 26, 2004... Dylan got a front tooth for Christmas... haha! (total cornball here, but thinking it to myself, it seemed really funny at the time!)

I remember when i was younger, the thought of being a mother and giving birth would scare the living shit out of me. Horror stories from parents and giving birth scenes from movies didn't help either. I once told myself that i would turn into a nun, just so i wouldn't have to go through it. (haha! frickin' weirdo! not that there's anything wrong with being a nun... )

I look at how far i've come and i really can't believe i'm actually doing this... being a mom is amazing and having that little someone love and adore you is priceless!!! =) I can't even begin to explain how it feels. Having Dylan and being his mom has made me feel complete.

This was my year of starting out as a mom so there's really nothing else for me to talk about. I devoted all my time and energy to Dylan. I'm glad i did too... because he's growing up so fast i can hardly keep up. There are things that need to be written down onto his baby book that i keep on forgetting to do. We have to start baby proofing the house and start thinking that there's a possibility that he could seriously hurt himself (this morning, it was all my fault, Dylan started choking on a piece of celophane... if that's even how it's spelled. To my horror, it wasn't even reachable anymore!!! It was a good thing that babies have a really good gagging reflex... Dylan managed to vomit it out. He's never playing with wrapper like that ever again. Or so i said, because later that morning, he swallowed a piece of cardboard, thanks to Aix! *ahem*) Okay, swaying off topic here...

I feel like he's not a baby anymore... He's standing, and crawling, and starting to think like a real person (you know what i mean). He has facial expressions for every emotion, his face is starting to look different coz his teeth are coming out, he has a head full of curly hair, and he's drinking 8 ounces of milk!!! My baby is turning into a kid... like a toddler kid who does stuff and gets hurt and smells. I miss the baby... i'm totally kidding! I'm loving watching Dylan turn into a toddler. It's sooooo exciting... it's just that i feel like i don't have a baby anymore even though i know he's gonna be my baby forever. haha! Okay, sounding like a conrball mother here...
2005--- Dylan is turning 1 this year. We have a lot to look forward to. =)

I started working when i was 17. I made 500 bucks a night and i thought i was rich! haha! Over worked and underpaid, i didn't give a shit coz i was having crazy fun. =) I haven't gotten an allowance from my parents in 5 years. I've even been supporting my family with everything that i've been doing... so not having a job is really hard for me. This past year was the first time in so long that i had to be dependent on someone else for my funds... and it sucked... hardcore. I can't stand it. So now, i'm starting work again, and it's cool. =) Something different, but i'm gonna try it out and it pays anyway... so why the hell not, right?
Working was what got me through the last 5 years of my life. Because of it, i met my bestest friends, i travelled all over the Philippines (FOR FREE!!! which makes the travelling even better!), I helped out my family, and the opportunities that i got and everything i went through was simply spectacular. Overwhelming and breath taking. My life has been amazing and i really cannot complain. Well, i shouldn't anyway... hehe!

I have never been in a serious relationship prior to the one i'm in right now. Before this, the longest relationship i ever had was 10 solid months... and that was high school. haha! I've never really been one to commit for so long... i was so the independent type that tying me down with someone would be the equivalent of strangling me underwater. Mars and i have been together for over 2 years... and before this, it was a month by month kinda thing. And i never really broke up with any of my exes... we always had to end our relationship because they had to leave for somewhere not in the Philippines (and why i'm even writing about this, i don't know).
Anyway, being in a relationship simply just for the two-some, just a couple, just him/her and you is completely different from being in a relationship as parents. When there's that little someone involved, roles evolve and the relationship changes. Well, that's what i think. For me, the love was put aside to raise our child... more than ever, we needed to work as a team, and we really really really needed to work as partners. I'm not gonna sit here and tell the world that i'm in the fairy tale relationship where my prince saves the day, sweeps me off my feet, and we live happily-ever-after. Nope. It has been hard. This has been the best realtionship of my life, and at the same time, the hardest motherf***ing thing i've ever had to endure. It's been quite difficult, just to be honest. And how we've managed to work it out and get this far together, still surprises even me. It must really be the love, if anything else.

My family has always been my rock. Always. But that didn't really prove itself or mean anything as much as it has this past year. The constant support, love, and encouragement they have never failed to give me made this past year easier than what it would've been like without them. I will forever be thankful for the family i've been put in. I love em! =) And the little addition to our family has made everything even better.

So the past year i've been living under a rock. I can count the number of times i've been out with one hand... and the times i've been out that has really been eventful... just one. The nightlife in Manila is pathetic... far from what it used to be. Sad. Maybe everybody just grew out of it. The people are different, the vibe is different... the only thing that's the same is the frickin' music. haha! i'm kidding. No, it's changed quite a bit, but it's still nothing great. They're trying to bring old school back, so that's cool. But if they play that shit all the time, everywhere, no doubt people will start getting sick of it too. This place needs variety!! In everything! Clothing, Identitites, Music, People!! (i'm going off topic again...)
Anyway, i might start going back out again... just so i can get a life! No, but i do need an occassional baby break. I need to communicate with people my age too! And i can't go out just to work out or just work. I need a break too. And that doesn't make me an evil parent. Knowing that Dylan is in good hands make it even better for me too. I can actually sit back and relax! =)
But don't get me wrong... i know my limit. I have responsibilities so i'm not gonna go nuts like how it used to be... i know that! *psh* Please bring dancing back! Nobody dances anymore! People should really start doing that again... so i can go out and get a work out at the same time! haha! Seriously though... that's how i used to keep the weight off. Something i desperately need to do now...

Whatever. I've just been blabbing... I can't think straight.
In a nutshell: It's been a great year. I'm just hoping the next year will bring more good fortune and a shitload of happiness. =)
If i think of anything worth writing, i'll just add it on...

Have a KiCkAss NeW YeAr!!! *wOoP wOop*

problem child 4

I think i've had it with trying to be the supportive, giving, miss-goody-two-shoes of the family. I'm serious. I might not feel this way in a day or two, but i don't care--- i wanna be heard! This is gonna be one major venting session.

All i really want is a sign of a tad bit of appreciation. I don't need anyone to give me anything in return. I don't need to be given back anything. I don't need to be repaid (although i wouldn't mind it either). I don't need anyone to suck up to me and act nice because i've done something generous and what-not. A simple thank you will do and showing that what i've done has been greatly appreciated will be satisfying enough.

To be straight up honest, i'm talking about my little brother. God knows i love him and to an extent i understand why he is how he is... but i've had it! No matter how much i give to him, even if i get him anything he wants all the time, and i let everything he does slide, i still don't sense an ounce of gratitude. He doesnt' say thank you. He can't even hold open doors. He refuses to share (or when he does, which is extremely rare, he feels horrible about it and gets extremely upset). He's 11 years old, okay, i get that. But a 6 year old understands when it's appropriate to say thanks. All i'm asking for is a little consideration and a bit of appreciation. Otherwise, what the hell am i doing all this for? I will not be taken for granted. Why do i even do it? If all it does is encourage him to continue acting the way he is, then forget about it. I'd rather not. If it supports the idea that he can get what he want by simply asking for it and then act like a brat after and get away with it... hell no! He needs to learn manners, discipline, being considerate, and appreciative of what he has. It annoys me that he can get away with what he wants and is rewarded for being rude.

It used to be--- I want to do it, because making them happy makes me happy. It's still true... but when it turns them sour, it makes me unhappy. And when i feel like what i'm doing is not doing them any good, it makes me feel horrible. I feel like maybe he's taking advantage of me. Maybe all he's really after is getting what he wants and it all ends there. Does he even care that it takes a lot out of me and that it's not easy spending on everything he wants? I do have a little someone who has a lot of needs... i could save all my money for him and say "fuck eveyone else, i have my needs, i have someone else to support, i'm keeping all this to myself". I could do that if i wanted to... but i don't because i care. I wanna make everyone happy... it makes me feel good and it makes me really happy. But when i don't feel good about it anymore... then something's wrong and something has to be done. I'm sorry... but that's really how it is... and i feel miserable about how he's treating me. Downright miserable.

To make it clear, i don't think it's my parents' fault. If you know Gio, he just is how he is because he is. He's stubborn and proud like that, because he just is. It's hard to teach him things, and it's almost impossible to correct him. But in fairness, he's not all bad and he's not the capital brat of the world (although at times, i feel like he could be). He can be thoughtful and sweet. I feel like he's skitzo sometimes. In a split second he'll turn into the sweetest little angel, a Godsend from heaven to the devil himself straight from hell. I don't understand it.

Most of the time, i let him go. I let him be how he is because i know it's just his personality, that's the way he is, and there's no way you can change that. But seriously, i can only put up with so much... and i don't want him acting like a stuck up brat. It irritates me, i get so agitated, it upsets me, and what more, it truly breaks my heart. It's just disappointing. *ARgH*

Right now, i'm in non-talking terms with him. He refuses to be considerate and is too proud to admit it and doesn't wanna apologize. All i'm asking for is a little consideration and a tad bit of appreciation. When that gets through his head, maybe i'll consider to having everything go back to the way it used to be. But he's getting nothing from me. Not to be mean, but he needs to learn his lesson. I already bought his Xmas present (drats!), it was damn expensive and now he says it's not what he wants (mother******). Whatever, if he doesn't want it, i'll store it in a closet and i know Dylan will wanna play with it when he's old enough. So there.

Blah... i sound like a parent.

...it's child abuse

Yesterday, MArs and i brought Dylan to a photo shoot. Someone spotted him at a football game last Saturday and asked us if he could pose for them for an art exhibit they're doing. They said he was adorable, friendly, well behaved, and he was exactly what they were looking for. I thought it would be great to do so i accepted the offer.

meeting time was 6:00pm. We were there on the dot. I wanted to be professional about the whole thing so i made sure that we were there on time. He was posing with Nancy Castilogne (or however you spell her name). It was supposed to be a mother and child type theme. Soon afterwards, the makeup and hair person arrived. Everyone was late... and it took them forever to get Nancy done up. The whole time, Dylan was awake. He was so excited about being in a new place and being surrounded by so many new people that he couldn't take a nap. The bad thing was that he woke up early and went to the doctor in the morning. He slept for 2 hours when we got home. When he woke up at 2pm, the only nap he had since was in the car on the way to the studio which lasted less than 20 minutes. Shooting started at 9:00pm. 3 whole freakin' hours after we arrived there. He hadn't taken a nap and he was playing the whole afternoon. By the time everyone was ready for the photo shoot to start Dylan was exhausted. They had a few good pictures taken but after a while Dylan started getting upset. He was also in the buff so the fabric of Nancy's outfit was bothering him. He would start crying everytime she would carry him... i felt so bad. He looked like he just didn't wanna be there anymore. At the end of the shoot, they handed him back to me, and Dylan was upset. I could sense that he was unhappy with the whole thing and he started whining like he was yelling at me in baby talk. We dressed him up and we were out of there in a hurry. On our way out, Mars and i promised he'd never have to do that again.

He knocked out immediately in the car. He was so tired.

It was hard for me to watch Dylan get so upset over something and i couldn't "rescue" him. Everytime i wanted to go get him they would tell me to just hold on for a few minutes so they could take a few pictures. Is it possible for a baby to develope trauma over something like this?

I know it's hard to work with babies. Their pictures may come out cute and wonderful but the process of getting that picture taken is a lot of hard work. Set up, makeup, the waiting, the flashes, the hours, so on and so forth. Unless the baby has a nack for modeling at the age of 7 months (or any age below 7 years old), i think it's torture to have a kid go through that.

It's hideous. This whole child exploitation thing. Parents trying to make money off their kids. It's cool if the kid is down for it... but if he/she is not, don't push it. I've seen it on tv... little girls being forced by their moms to join those dumb pageants even when it's obvious they don't wanna do it. It's evil.

I'm not saying i'm 100% against it or it's downright disgusting. If the kid has natural talent for it, if it's what he/she wants to do, and if they don't mind, then by all means, exploit away. But don't push it when they tell you they don't wanna do it. If they'd rather go out and play instead of hang out in a studio and wait for hours to do something they're not comfortable with, then let them... right? And there's a difference between pushing a kid to play the piano and pushing them to start a career at an early and sensitive age in their life.

So i apologize to Dylan for having him go through that. Now we know...

FiLiPiNo time

There's this thing known as "Filipino Time". It means running late, being late, a later time, not on time, so on and so forth, you get what i mean. And as much as i love being Pinoy (i really do), and i love a lot of the values and beliefs that we all so strongly possess, the whole Filipino time thing, i really hate. Hate it. I abhor it. And hate is a very strong word.

I value my time. I value it a lot. I don't have a lot of it to myself and most of it is spent worrying about something, stressing over something, or working on something really hard. A tiny bit of it is spent resting and relaxing. So when i feel like my time has been wasted over something so unimportant and something so dumb, i get really annoyed, irritated, and just straight up pissed off. I've been snapping a lot lately and i seriously don't know why... but everything has been getting to me and i've been extremely bitchy for no apparent reason. i wonder why...

anyway, yesterday, i had a meeting with someone at 2:30pm at Glorietta. I get a text at 12:30pm, right before i started getting ready, that she was exhausted and needed to rest before our meeting, therefore moved it to 3:30pm. That was cool with me. I got to spend extra time with my family, relax a little bit before heading out and just chill. Finally, i started getting ready and headed out of the house at around 2:45pm. The timing was perfect because when i got to Glorietta, i had 10 minutes to spare which was enough time for me to walk to our designated meeting place. I get there, and my "meeting person" was nowhere to be found. I immediately texted her, and she claimed she was on her way. I said to myself, Oh well, she'll be here in a few minutes. But i was so wrong. 5 minutes dragged on to 20 minutes, and then 45 and then 50 and then finally!!! an hour and 15 minutes later... she was at glorietta. We started the meeting at around 5ish. At 5:30pm she says she has to run. Had another meeting to go to, she says. I was left there, sitting, dumbfounded. I was like, what the hell? i wasted my afternoon for this?!?! we could've just texted the information back and forth and it would have saved me the cab money to get there, the coffee i bought, the trip i made to get there, and the time i wasted doing nothing. I decided not to waste my time being ticked off. I was out already, i didn't want to waste the rest of my afternoon, so i decided to get in touch with an old friend and spend the afternoon with her. It was a great plan because i had a really good time yesterday. But that's a whole different story.

You know what else really irritates me? Doctor appointments. The problem? They don't have any!!! It annoys me when a doctor says that office hours are from 9am-12am, and when you try to schedule an appointment they say it's "first come, first serve". I brought Dylan to his pediatrician last month to get some shots. We were there, 9am on the dot. We think the earlier we get there, the earlier we're through, the earlier we get out of there. To an extent there is some truth to this... but in a way, it's just a load of denial crap we use to make ourselves feel better. i think.
Anyway, we had to wait 2 hours before Dylan got to see his doctor. Can you imagine waiting in a hallway of a hospital full of sickly people with a 6 month old baby? I know thousands of people do this, but i prefer Dylan spend as little time as possible in a hospital. Did you know that around 80% of people get sick from a virus floating around in a hospital? and that 90% of that 80% DIE from it? uh-huh. It's true. I saw it on Oprah. ANd i don't mean to be a paranoid mom... but it's better to be cautious... and better safe than sorry. Millions of people are getting sick. There are millions of viruses out there and you can seriously catch it. Worse, the people you love can catch it.
Dylan was nice enough to behave the whole 2 hours we were there... but that's beside the point. Not only was it not good for both Dylan and myself, it was also a complete waste of out morning. And you know what? we were out of that Doctor's office in a mere 15 minutes. That's just wack.

Again, i value my time. And i would really appreciate it if other people just respect that. I'm a very punctual person and always have been. Give me a place and a time and if i give you my word, i'll be there. More often than not, i'm always left waiting for people to arrive and more often than not, they're more than 30 minutes late. Out of all the people i know, only 4 people are reliable enough to show up on time. That's it.

Sadly enough, i myself will soon start to use this whole "filipino time" excuse. Because i predict that they will be an hour late, i show up an hour late too. It's no excuse, but it beats having me waste my time waiting and doing nothing. And it usually works! It's annoying though, isn't it? and sometimes my entire itinerary for the whole day is messed up because of one lousy late meeting.

I say, be more considerate. When you agree on a time and place, just do it. please.
And doctors/offices should really come up with the whole appointment thing... *ahem ahem* ST. LUKE's!
ah... venting.

twiLiGht zOne

eerie eerie eerie... *twilight zone music starts to play*

We were on our way home. Mars was driving me and Dylan to my house. We had left New Manila and we were driving down Aurora Avenue. Mars was texting while driving, which is a common thing for him to do, but honestly, i'd rather he didn't. We were gonna make a short stop at a Mercury Drug to buy Dylan his milk. We got there, but there was no parking. A guy started pointing at a really dark, secluded spot. He was signaling for us to park there and continued to say that it was the only parking spot left. At first, we were really hesitant. Mars and i were both thinking it looked really creepy... but then Mars said he was only gonna be really quick and we'd be out of there in no time. Before he got out of the car or opened the door he started looking for his phone. He kept on looking around and rummaging through the bags on the front seat. I told him to forget about it, "YOu can look for it later, it's just in the car. Just buy the milk, get it over with, you can look for your phone when we get to my house". With that, he was off. He was careful getting out of the car... very cautious... just incase the phone was on him because he didn't want to drop it. Alas, nothing. He locked our doors, ran (literally) to mercury drug, bought the milk, and was back in the car in no time. He was getting really worried about his phone, so to ease his mind, i volunteered to start "ringing" it. The phone started to ring, but we couldn't hear anything in the car. I asked him, "can you feel it vibrating anywhere?" but nothing.

Then, the unthinkable happened. The phone started hanging up on us. i thought, WEIRD! We were so stumped with the situation that we were thinking, "Maybe it slid open or something must be on it that it's hanging up calls on its own". (Yeah, RIGHT!) but that's what we kept saying anyway. The more i called, the earlier the phone would start hanging up. That meant... somebody had it. Finally, "The number you have dialled is not yet in service/out of the coverage area... please try your call later" *smart operator girl talking*. That was it. The phone was off...

Mars looked everywhere. In our bags, all over the car. Even the TRUNK! Under the mats, under the seats, and blah blah blah. He turned that car inside-out. No phone. That was it. Someone was hanging up, someone had turned it off, someone else now owned that pretty pretty phone.

Later, it started answering our calls. But he/she never talked. Later, it texted me and asked how much i'd pay for the phone. When MArs called him/her up, he/she said that he/she found the phone in Quezon Ave earlier tonight. HUH?!?!? How in the world did that happen? Also, even if the number was working, the phone the dude was now holding was a black 3310... far from the model MArs and i were hoping to find. That was that... game over.

Mars only had that phone for less than a month. His last one was stolen (along with his wallet) at an event he did at Robinsons Galleria. He got that phone for 19 grand. *OuCh* It was practically brand new, hardly a scratch on it, and it had Dylan's pictures in it!!! * only joking*

Okay, so what i really don't understand is how the hell it happened. He was texting in the car on our way to Mercury Drug! He didn't even open the door when he started looking for it. What happened? How did it happen? How is it even possible?

If we knew that was gonna happen, he shoudld've just given me the damn phone... *sigh*


weird.
whatever man.
i'm stumped...

my time to reflect

The end of the year is drawing nearer.
Usually, at this time, i sum up everything this year has brought me.

I consider the past year to be the biggest, most important year of my life thus far. It is a clear beginning of a new chapter and it has changed my life drastically. I remember when i was pregnant, the days used to drag on. I would count days and minutes and feel like time has just stopped and my due date would never arrive. Then, finally, Dylan enters my life, motherhood begins, and the next thing i know... he's 7 months old, standing, crawling all over the place, and trying to communicate like he's no longer a baby, but already a little boy. Where did the year go?

As the newest chapter of my life unfolds, i can't help but think about my past. It seems like the more i think about my future, the more i begin to reminisce about my past. In a way, i have prepared myself for the life that i have brought upon myself. I have physched myself up, telling myself that i'm ready for it, and all i can really do is move on, look forward, and take on whatever comes along. But at the same time, i can't help but look back. I've been looking back constantly in the past few months... and in a way, i think i'm mourning for the life i have left behind.

The last time i remember having to do this and feeling this way was the day i left Baguio. I may seem like a "Manila gurl" and sometimes people even think that i'm from the States or somewhere definitely not from here... and i correct them... I'm really from Baguio. A little city up in the mountains. I hated Manila when i moved here... and i've made my feelings about it very clear. Then again, you stay here a couple of years and after a while the city kinda grows on you and you realize that it's really not so bad. You make new friends, you experience new things, and after a while, the city i hated so much became my home.

I've definitely been through a lot. Manila has been so great... but really, i consider my life in Baguio, the last 2 years up there, to be the best years of my life. Something i will truly never forget, something i cherish, and it's what i constantly look back on. The friends i made, the shit i went through, truly remarkable, and i consider myself so lucky to have experienced it all. I really miss it.

It was hard to let it all go. Now, thinking that i have to do it again, it's heart wrenching. Saying goodbye to a life i was so comfortable with is hard to do... but i know i have to do it. I'm not saying that i'm leaving my old lifestyle for one that's worse, that's hardly it. My life now is great. I have a wonderful son who i love with all my heart and soul. It's the responsibility that i dread. I feel like my carefree days are over. I'm not allowed to goof around anymore, make mistakes, and be irresponsible... i have to take everything seriously and be a responsible parent... and i'm only 21. What scares me is the thought that runs through my mind, night and day, "Can i do this?"

There are so many scenarios of a life i could have had that run through my head and begin with the thought, "What if...". Then i think of all the shoulda-coulda-woulda's... but no matter how hard i think of a life i never really had, it's still not gonna happen.

I long to live a carefree life where i can be whisked away by my knight in shining armor, smoke our worries away, and have everything be just dandy.

But i'm gonna go home after writing this, and be brought back down to reality. I'm gonna do the groceries, walk home, walk through the door, climb our stairs and be greeted with a big smile, the smell of baby sweat and baby powder from my 7 month old son and realize... that i love what i have and i'm really okay with it. I just get paranoid sometimes...

bold move

*hihi* haven't been on here for a while. I just can't use the internet as much as i'd like.
You might notice that i haven't really written anything since i wrote my whole honesty entry. But the thing is... i did write something. It was on here for like 2 days until i changed my mind and took it out. It's saved... but i don't think i can really post it.

It involves a very sensitive topic... if it lands on the wrong monitor i could end up in a bit of a mess. I was, however, bold enough in the beginning to actually post it up until a few of my friends told me that it would be a wiser decision to not post it up at all. So, if you're one of the few who got a glimpse of it... then oh well. What can i do? So far, i haven't gotten shit about it from anyone. *pHeW*

This is the part where i laugh at myself. It was an interesting story too! i think maybe i'll just revise it, add anonymity to it, and then post it up again! no? we'll see...