what am i doing?

It just occurred to me... that my blog is lame.
I don't even know if I would read it...
ok... i'm just being cranky and bratty.

I've been looking at other people's blogs lately. Mainly because i can't think of anything to write about and also because i've had nothing to do and wanted to see if there was anything interesting that i could find out there. Apparently, there are plenty.

There are so many people out there with so much to say. Some are outspoken while others are just laid back. Some are funny while others are depressed or angry. Some talk about nonsense and are just plain weird while others tackle serious issues. It seems like everyone wants to put their ideas and thoughts into writing... others do it mainly for themselves while others want to be heard. We have officially entered the era of the Blog Phenomenon.

While reading a few entries from other people's pages, i realized that i wasn't just reading a plain old post. I was actually being given a tour of what was going on inside these people's heads. What got to me [with the few entries that i read] was that they were downright, straigh up honest, no matter how outspoken or offensive they were to whoever or whatever. And i found it to be really cool. It made me realize that the reason why i never have anything to write about is because i refuse to be completely honest with what i want to be published on this blog.

For most of my life i've been a "people pleaser" type of person. Not necessaraily a straight up doormat, but i'm one of those people who would rather not get involved in crazy drama and get into shit with other people. I used to cringe at the thought that someone disliked me or even worse, hated me. I tried my best to be a "good person" so that nobody had any excuse whatsoever to talk shit about me behind my back. I learned the hard way and realized that good guys really do finish last. I used to have so much faith in people. I believed that everybody had a good side no matter what. "Everybody has a story to tell" or "Everyone you meet is fighting their own battle" and blah blah blah is what i used to say. I moved to Manila 5 years ago from Baguio. I gotta tell you... Manila broke me and i lost faith in people. Compared to the environment i was raised in and the life i had up there in the little city in the mountains, Manila was harsh.

My point being, i've stopped being a people pleaser, however there is still a part of me that can't help but make other people's lives a little bit easier which makes mine just a tad bit more complicated.
And directly to the real point--- i should stop being afraid of what other people will think of what i think. (did i get that right?) I know there are people who read this blog (but for some reason never leave comments), even people i know. I try not to write anything way too controversial that it might just blow up in my face. I try not to offend anybody or "talk shit" about someone and then later on be accused of being a bitch that stabs people in the back. I just don't wanna be mean.

But because of this, it limits my topics and i can't fully express myself therefore these issues get bottled up inside and then i don't know what to do. *pant pant pant*
So i'm thinking... i should really just write what i wanna write and say what the hell i really wanna say. Harsh critics? fuck it. There will always be someone out there who's gonna disagree with something i have to say regardless whether i was being serious or it was just a mere statement. I can't help that. If people start buggin' then i will let them bug.

If i could write on here everyday, i would. But that's just not possible with the schedule i keep and the lifestyle i live. I will, however, try to put a little something in as much as i possibly can... and this time, i'm gonna be completely honest. This isn't for readers out there to take pleasure upon and turn into entertainment. This is really more for me... hey, it's supposed to be therapeutic.

so here goes nothing...

the awakening

"A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out-ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on and, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there is no Prince Charming and no Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale ending (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that your are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are....and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their short comings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into you psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, what you should believe, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for the next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love, Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feeling onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the person on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love....and you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you are not a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want....and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his/her, touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. And just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve....and that much of life truly is self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. "

-author unkown

it's almost Christmas... again.

I shit you not, it was just "almost Christmas" a few weeks ago. Wow... where did the last 11 months go?! Time sure does fly...

Here we go again... "what do I get for everybody?" is the ultimate question everyone is asking themselves. I know it's what i ask myself everytime this holiday comes around. And once again, i'm stumped.

You know what i love about this time of year though? No, it's not that everyone seems to be "more giving" (that never really happens). It's the decoration put up all over the metro. I always look forward to seeing what Rustan's in Makati is gonna have done, or how Bel Air looks this time of the year. I love the way they outline Rockwell with lights, it looks so pretty from far away. And i know it's somewhat annoying, because of all the traffic is causes, but i love driving by those parrol stands put up on the side of the streets at night because they're just so nice to look at.

For me, Christmas is the marker that reminds me that another year has just passed. It reminds me that just around the corner is another new year. It gives me mixed feelings. In a way, i mourne for the end of the year and at the same time feel relieved that it's all over. I'm happy thinking that the new year might have something better to offer and also fearful of what it may throw my way.

The Christmas season, in the Philippines, starts on September. If it weren't for Halloween, stores would already go all out on selling Christmas things and playing Christmas music. But because there is that one intervention that prevents the early start of the season, stores are forced to delay the x'mas music and decorations. I'm so serious. They start playing the jingles at around that time and bust out the little decors that early.

Most people still don't do the whole early shopping. It's typical. Everyone knows how it is everywhere during Christmas season yet everybody waits last minute to do their shopping. And by this time, all human beings are let loose in the aisles of the stores like wolves in a hen house. By mid-season, the malls become a mad house. It's insane and highly barbaric. I doubt it's like this only in the Philippines though... i'm pretty sure it happens all over the world. I hate going through the hustle and bustle of the crowd and it's already starting. I promised myself that this year i will do all my christmas shopping before December even hits. I don't know what to buy yet... but i will get it done.

I was at Greenhills this last weekend and i got stepped on 8 times (3 of which were all caused by Mars), elbowed 3 times, pushed 4 times, and literally shoved twice. I was pretty upset (more of pissed, really) and got so worked up that i was ready to hit the next person who ran into me. Fortunately, that was the last flock of abuse that flew in my direction. You know what else is highly irritating? Little miss Daisies... you know them... they're the people who happen to walk right in front of you and walk like 5 steps an hour. Then there are the ones who walk, walk, walk, and then just stop right in front of you, in the middle of the entire walkway just because they want to. Finally, there are the ones that hang out in front of the escalators just because they feel like it's the best place to check their phone, look into their bags, or chat with a buddy. Did i miss anyone? Lemme know. I should write a whole post dedicated to pet peeves...

So anyway, swaying off topic here. Christmas, right. I think this Holiday Season would continue if it weren't for Valentines Day. It's funny coz they still sell Christmas trees way past December (which is a good time to buy them though because it's way cheaper... i'm contradicting myself here). But yeah, if it weren't for V-day, it would be Christmas all year round... or maybe not.

Okay, running out of things to say. this is me going Blah bLah bLAH.
So i'm thinking of who to get presents for and what to get em... it's a lot harder this year for some reason. But yeah... i really need to get it all done and over with. I don't need to linger with the stress. I'm not a shopper, if you can already tell. I'll buy stuff, a LOT of stuff (hehe), but i'm not one to linger in a store and dig for the goodies. I can't even stay in a store for more than 5 minutes (unless i'm trying something on) which is why i hate shopping with Mars. This guy loves to shop. He'll dig, and look, and he'll hang out at a store for a hella long time and it kills me.

so there.

ANDwhat?!

This last Saturday, i spent my day at the Araneta Coliseum to watch the AND1 mixtape tour. I was expecting to see something i've never seen before in all my years of basketball watching... but to my disappointment, it wasn't really much of a show. And to make it worse, i met some of the players after the game... and they weren't the least bit friendly. *sigh*

I've seen the DVD and they were spectacular. Tricks here and there, dunk after dunk, dribbling techniques nobody has ever seen, everything, in a word, amazing. If you're a basketball fan, then i'm sure you've heard of this, and know exactly what i'm talking about. The turnout was quite huge, but not as packed as i expected it to be. There were a lot of people there and the number of ballers who joined the elimination round in the morning was quite surprising.

The game was interesting but it just wasn't mind blowing enough for me to rave about. Yeah, they dunked every now and then, but they just didn't really put on a "show". I don't know, for me, it was a bit disappointing.

Mary caught Helicopter's shorts (eeeeew... right after the game too... gross). She wanted to have it signed and some camera guy offered to have it done for her. The dude came out and said that Helicopter was gonna hand it to Mary personally and the both of us got really excited coz we were adtually gonna meet the dude!!! He came out, all big and scary, and continued to act like some egotistical man slob. After he signed the shorts and had his picture taken, he actually tried to hit on the gurls and ask where we were all heading. *eeEeEeEw* Then, some of his team mates came out and as we praised them and complimented them on a job-well-done... they just nodded and continued to ignore li'l-ol-us as if we weren't there. If that's the way they usually treat fans... all i can say is *TSK TSK TSK*. I hate it when people like that act all big-headed and think they're all that. Sure, they got skills, but they wouldn't be where they are if it weren't for their fans. The people who adore and support them are the people who make them... they should know that.

it was a bit of a let-down... but what can a gurl do?
not one of my best entries... but i tried. ha! =)

BaBy BoY UPDATE:
We have lift-off!!!
Dylan is now officially mobile!!! *whOoP wHoOp* My little guy is crawling, rolling, sliding, and loving it! He has a fixation with the edge of the bed though... gotta do something about that. Somehow he thinks falling off the bed, head-first, is considered fun. Not so much when he actually experiences it.