uh... wut?!

can somebody please tell me why all the info on my sidebar decided they wanted to chill at the bottom of my page?

I swear, i didn't touch anything so i have no idea why it moved. I'm completely internet & html retarded too so it's not like i know what's going on.

help would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

in my dreams, all is good

It's been three years since... and once again, i've been so caught up in the dilemma i call LiFe, that it completely slipped my mind. I went to bed early, tired & exhausted... i was ready to leave my day behind and wake up to something new. Little did i know, i would come across a detour on my way to the next day, yet again, in the form of a dream.

I'm on the beach. I'm kicking back, relaxing, just chilling. It felt like i was on vacation and it looked as if i had absolutely nothing planned for the day. It was glorious. The weather wasn't perfect... it was a bit windy. The skies were gray with clouds scattered here and there. The ocean was furious with waves violently crashing up on shore. Not a person in sight. Then, in a distance, i see a tall, dark figure appear and slowly began inching its way towards me. For a moment, i didn't know exactly who it was... but as he calmly walked towards my direction... it hit me like a slap across the face. For a brief moment, i felt like a wanted to wake up. I knew who it was. I knew what this dream meant... but as much as i didn't want to go through it again... i wanted to see what he had to say this time around.

He casually sat down next to me on the sand. We both just glanced at each other quickly, exchanged a friendly nod with a smile, and at the same time just looked away and stared out into the open sea.

It was Donni.

"We've never been to the beach together..." he said.

I looked at him again, smiled, and replied, "I know..."

There was silence for a while until he started again, "I heard about what happened. Are you okay? How've you been?"

This whole time we don't even look at each other. We're both just staring out into the ocean... we have a casual conversation just like old friends catching up. I didn't expect this at all. Actually, i expected something quite different.

We ramble on for what felt like only a few minutes. It was a quick catch-up conversation. Nothing serious. Suddenly, he gets up, dusts the sand off his shorts, and says, "I have to go. It was good talking to you. I'll see you again, okay?"

I answer back, "of course." And he started walking away the exact manner, as casually, as he arrived. I was surprised. That was it? REally? and then i realized i had spoken too soon...

Only a few feet away from me, he pauses... turns around and heads back towards me. He asks, "Are you happy?" and i reply, "I'm trying..."

The dream that i had before slowly started to take shape once again. I was ready for it. "I'm not. It's hard for me, you see... i need you." he mutters.

"I can't..." was all i could say. I couldn't even look at him. I was staring at the ground. The grains of sand all of a sudden started to look interesting. I didn't wanna have this conversation again. My life is different now... much more different from the last time he visited. What scares me, however, is that this time, i almost felt like i wanted to say yes and go with him. Maybe, just maybe, it would be easier. But i couldn't do that. Not now, not ever. It's a path that will never be an option for me. Never.

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. My facial expression telling him that i couldn't handle all this right now. He didn't say anything at first... and then finally, just whispered, "I understand."

With that, he kissed my forehead, got up, and went on his way. The dream was over.

I woke up in an instant, in a dark, cold room. None of the lights were on. Rain was pouring outside like a mother biatch. Rumbling thunder. It was freezing in this room. I woke up alone, scared, and confused. I didn't know what to do... or what to think for that matter.

Later on today, i went on the internet. Without even thinking about it, i went on Google and looked up the name Cadiogan, Donni. 3 results came up. 2 of which were the same article and one that wasn't so significant. I clicked on the article and was astounded with what i found. I was shocked.

Someone had actually written a serious article about the incident. The story behind it, the reason, how it played out, and the opinions of the people living in the village. It was crazy. I never even bothered to try and look it up before. This article was written in 2003. http://www.jtesoro.net/trarchives/categories/filipino/

I've accepted what happened. But i still constantly wonder about the coulda shoulda woulda's. I can't help it. That was a tragic milestone in my life that i would rather never happend. It still haunts me... and reading that article had a huge impact on me. There were things in there that i never knew about. Facts i never thought about... details i didn't even wonder about. I have images in my head now that bothers me. I don't know whether to believe it or not.

It was a shock to me and i felt my heart break and shatter into a million pieces. They made it seem like his life was so tragic. They made it look like he was such a bad person. They made it seem like what happened was completely expected. "The natural end to his troubled existence"... ? ? ? what exactly is that supposed to mean?

It is a common belief in majority of religions that one who takes his/her own life automatically buys themselves a one way ticket to the "bad" place. The worst and scariest interpretation of that place, that i have ever seen, was depicted in the movie, Constantine. Now, that was horror. I seriously got a glimpse of hell. I could feel the tragedy. When i saw it, i couldn't contain myself... i ended up thinking about this and just started crying. It hurt me so much just the thought that such a place could possibly exist and this is where a close friend of mine is doomed to spend his entire being for all eternity. I can't even find the words to fully express just how much this upsets me. It not only breaks my heart... it shatters my soul.

I can't make up excuses for what happened. I can't defend him. I barely even know the foundation of the situation. Nobody ever talks about it. It was a tragedy. I know that. But please... there's no need to speak of it in an ill manner. It's not necessary to rub it in. It's already understood.

“It gives you real respect for the truth when you have to clean up lives that have been based on a lie. Think about it. Donni”

Those were the last words he ever wrote... now, written on his epitaph.
i just want to understand what was going on... i need to find closure. If he was screaming out loud right before he did it... what was he saying? Why didn't i get that feeling? Why didn't i know? I should have known... again, i'm consumed by guilt.

Every year, in my dreams, only once every now and then, on the same day, same time--- i meet with him. Is it real? spiritual maybe? or just plain trauma & guilt, planted in my subconscious?

I miss him. I miss his smile and his bear hugs. I miss our high times and our crazy laugh trips. I miss sitting out on the curb, at 3am for 3 hours, in the cold, waiting for a taxi with him just so we both make it through our doors before "curfew". I miss our stupid drinking games that neither of us would win whenever we played against each other. I miss the inside jokes and our made up words that noone else would understand. I miss the random, "i'm in Manila, let's party" texts. I miss the random phone calls. i miss the clowning and the crazy conversations. I just miss his presence.

I pray to all the higher beings that he has found peace. If he felt like an outcast in this superficial world, i hope, through whatever miracle, that he has found his place. He just needed to be accepted... he just wanted to belong. Is that asking for too much?

He was a good person...
I pray to God he's resting in peace.

***I consider this experience to have been one of the hardest things i ever had to go through. It took me months to heal. I wrote about it for the first time only a year ago.
http://mtism.blogspot.com/2004/09/donni.html