living in fear

Gone are the days when kids could play out in the street. Gone are the times when walking alone at night was absolutely safe. How many places still have families who sleep at night with their front door left unlocked? When people walk the busy streets of the city, they clutch onto their belongings, paranoia is always in the back of their heads, and they eye suspiscious looking people. The only thing heard, read, and seen on the news these days are all about terrorism, kidnapping, murder, theft, injuries, illness & abnormalities. Is this really it? This is the world we live in?

We're all living in fear. Even if we don't think about it everyday or it's not something that we worry about constantly, at one time or another, we are fearful of what could possibly be out there.

As a new mother, i signed up for a life of constant worry. My life would come to a screeching halt if, Heaven forbid, anything would happen to my baby. *knock on wood* And then i thought about it... there are about 100 million thousand gazzillion trillion billion things to worry about when you think of your child.

Right now, i worry whether he eats enough or if he's getting too fat. I worry whether what he just put in his mouth is clean or not. I worry if he gets enough attention.

Something as simple as learning how to walk can trigger ideas that would give me a heart attack--- i mean, what if he falls? and hits his head on something?! or take out an eye?! So many possibilities.

And then there are the toddler years... what if he trips on something while he's running around? What if we take him to the mall and he gets lost? or worse, kidnapped?! What if he falls off his bike?!

And then there's that time in their lives when they wanna go out all on their own... hang out with friends, do stupid adolescent things. What if they get into bad drugs? what if he does horrible in school? what if they get into an accident? what if he picks the wrong kind of girl to date?

The list could go on and on... there's no stopping worry, fear, and paranoia. But then again, that's life, isn't it? That's just the way the ball rolls... I mean, really... is it gonna stop me from being a good parent? no. Will i be strict? to an extent... maybe. But i'm gonna have to let him live his life, right? Yes, there are horrible possibilities, but that's the risk i'm willing and going to have to take. I'll let him fall and make his mistakes... there are no better teachers than the mistakes they make themselves. I say whatever happens, really, is meant to happen. But there's a difference between being liberal and just being plain wreckless.

I still want world peace though... and sick, inhuman, cruel people do belong behind bars.

eh... this is just me... thought of something, wrote about it. Asked questions and answered them myself... i'm having a conversation with myself... weird.

mY LittLe mAn...

*PeEk-A-bOo!!!*



*HaPpY Li'L BaBy*



*hUh?!*



*bLeH*



*SmiLe for the CaMeRa*


***Dylan is 4 and a half months now... and he's just so happy! =)

He's quickly discovering new things and he's starting to become so malikot! He loves to laugh and play. He smiles all the time and coos & gurgles as if he's trying to have a conversation with me. He flips around like it's nothing and he's beginning to crawl--- backwards! haha!=) yea, he's crawling alright... in reverse. He's starting to sit on his own... he did it for the first time yesterday and i was so proud! =) *yay*

When he discovered his hands, he wouldn't stop playing with em... now, he's discovered his feet... and he loves playing with his toes.

He's considerate enough to sleep on his own when he wakes up in the middle of the night and it's nice of him to play in his crib, on his own, when he wakes up in the morning, so that i get an extra hour of sleep. =)

I'm so happy and extremely grateful that i have him. He's pleasant, well behaved, fun, & smart. This guy has so much personality. He's gonna grow up to be a well refined man... you can already tell. ;-P

I love being with him... there's nothing better in the world. He makes anything insignificant, unimportant, and stressful just fade away. He makes me see what really matters... it's amazing how someone so small can have such a huge impact in your life. =)

That's my little man... =)

no pain, no gain

It takes a lot to be "beautiful". Not even beautiful, just simply being content with yourself and the way you look. Notice that it takes a lot of hard work and pain, literally, to achieve your desired look. I'm talking about the normal people out there though... not the ones that claim to do absolutely nothing, eat anything and everything they want, still maintain a perfect figure, and blame it all on genetics. What a load of crap...

For the first time in my life i'm actually "out of shape" (a safer and in denial way of saying, "i'm fat"). No offense to bigger people out there... i'm just simply stating that i'm not content with the way i look now. And i don't think the whole, "i just gave birth." or "i just had a baby..." is really an excuse anymore. Well, not to me, anyway. That excuse expires after a while, and in my opinion, i'm past the mark where it's considered to be a valid excuse. Why is it that Debrah Messing, Gwyneth Paltrow, & Kate Hudson all looked like they never even went through the whole pregnancy ordeal after their 4th month postpartum mark? Do they even have stretch marks?! How did Brooke Burke do to a bikini photo shoot only 2 months after giving birth?! How is that possible?! *bLaH*

So, i started going to the gym and doing the whole "trying to lose weight" and "get back into shape" bit. I never really used to have this problem and now that it's something i have to deal with, i'm having a really hard time. I slave on the treadmill and the bike for about an hour a day. I lift weights and do the oh-so-strenous crunches. I kill myself trying to do 3 sets of 15 leg lifts (with the kick thing at the end). I huff and puff trying to get through my sit-ups, and bear the pain that result from back extensions. All this trouble trying to get back into shape... *sigh* (again, i long for toblerone that make you lose weight with every triangle).

I've been trying to diet but i consider it torture. I just can't do it. How can i deprive myself of something that i love so much? It kills me!!! And it just so happens that most of my favorite food are all made up of Carbs... evil carbohydrates. It also doesn't help that when i was pregnant all i did was eat to my heart's content and enjoy sleeping it off after (haha! frikin' bum!). Basically, i just got used to it and it's so hard to give it up. I'm not even gonna start with sweets, pastries, and chocolate... *boo hoo*

Now, working out aside, there are other things to "being beautiful" that includes pain in order to achieve one's goal. Take shaping/cleaning your eye brows, for example. Holy cow, the first time i tried doing that, i cried for every strand i had to take out... what's worse, if you do it wrong, you have to bear the shame of going around with hideous mis-shapen eye brows til it grows back... or you can cover it up with a liner (but sometimes that looks so fake). And what about waxing? haha! There's something about being hairless in certain areas that add bonus points to being attractive. I've never tried this... but from what i hear... it's serious torture.

There are even some people out there who have to go through plastic surgery just to be content with their appearance. Can you imagine "going under the knife" (is that how the saying goes)? Just the thought of it scares me... but apparently, some people really need it to make them happy. Hey, if it works for them, then great. That's their thing. I've seen a few episodes of "The Swan" (it's that beauty pageant where the contestants have all gone through plastic surgery) and those women cry with joy when they see the outcome of what the surgery has done to them. They love it. They're so happy and feel so much better about themselves after the whole transformation.

Back to my point, it takes pain to be beautiful. Wouldn't it be so much easier if none of this mattered to anybody? There are some people who say, "It's what's in the inside that counts". My response to that--- they're lying. Everybody knows that, to an extent, looks really matter. Even if it's just a little tiny bit... it still does.

So be it working out, dieting, surgery, simple grooming tactics, or even drugs... it takes a lot of hard work and "pain" to achieve your desired appearance. Aint that a bitch? haha! =P Well, that's just the way it goes... no pain, no gain.

*BoW*

motherhood madness

***WARNING: the following post contain information about babies, motherhood, and pregnancy. If those topics do not interest you in any way whatsoever, turn away and read someone else's blog now.

Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. Most people fail to see that. As much as it is a blessing & it can be the best thing in the whole universe... it does have a downside. Most moms don't really wanna talk about the negative side of motherhood... sometimes it comes off as a "weakness" or they tend to be labelled as a "bad mother". Other moms also think that if they fail to do everything perfect or they feel even the slightest bit of negativity towards being a mom, they're considered to be a horrible parent. But really, it's all just normal.

It takes a lot to be a mom. It all starts with pregnancy. The second you hear the news, your whole life as you know it, completely changes. All of a sudden, you get hit on the head with the realization that you have been chosen to be responsible for the life of another human being for the rest of your life. Pregnancy is all about surrender... giving in to the way nature runs its course. It's a time to stop thinking about yourself and giving in to the person who will be living inside you for the next 9-10 months. Everything you do from that point on is for that little stranger who has taken over your body. Believe me, as little as that baby can be... it can really kick ass.

The whole preganancy ordeal is tough enough... and that's only the beginning. *sigh* Morning sickness, wieght gain, stretch marks, swelling, weak bladder, contractions, the emotional rollercoaster... the list could go on and on... until finally... the birth of your little angel.

This is where it really gets interesting... =P *hehe*

From the moment you gaze into your precious baby's eyes... life as you know it, is nothing like it used to be. You have gone through a complete transformation and nothing is the same. Some mothers, like myself, fall in love with their angel instantly... while for others, it could take some time. But nevertheless, loving your child is feeling the greatest joy in your entire life and loving to the highest degree you possibly could. It's the best thing anyone could ever imagine...

Without a doubt, there is nothing like the love of a mother to her child... but motherhood isn't always just rainbows and daisies. It can really take its toll on a person... and if it's not dealt with properly, it could get out of hand. It truly is the hardest job in the world.

I've been a mom for 4 months, 10 days. It's been great, i'll have you know... but it hasn't been easy. There are so many factors that contribute to the stress of being a mom... and imagine being a single mother. I give mad props to those single moms out there who work a 9-5 job 5 days a week, and still find time to play with their kids and take care of them, wash dishes, cook the food, clean the house, do the laundry, buy groceries and whatever else they need, maybe even find a little time to themselves, and stay sane. I bow down to them. They are true heroes.

I work hard, i try to do the best i can to raise my son. He is my #1 priority and nothing is more important to me than his well-being. Everything i do, i have him in mind. Love alone, doesn't raise a child... there's so much more to it. And raising a child with little, or close to no help at all, is very difficult.

The following "rantings" are what contributes to my stress, personally... maybe other moms out there can relate.

1. Being away from family. I'm going through a huge change in my life... and for the first time, i am not in the refuge of my home, and i don't have my family to fall back on. Sure, they support me and they visit and i see them every now and then... but it's just not the same when they're not around 24/7. This is what caused my "postpartum depression". I went through this whole depression phase for about a month because i felt so alone. It's gotten easier because i've probably gotten used to the whole situation... but i still miss them. I constantly wish that i was still living with my family. Honestly, i think it would make things about 90% easier...
2. Sleep deprivation. Before Dylan, i think i used to get around 10-12 hours of sleep every night. Yes, i was a bum. I slept whenever i pleased and got up whenever i felt like it or wanted to. i absolutely miss sleeping. I haven't slept in 4 months! no, i'm just kidding... but really, i haven't slept longer than 4 hours (straight) since Dylan was born. Sometimes, he'd give me a break and sleep for 4 hours, wake up only to eat, and then sleep for 4 more hours... that would be the only time i get 8 hours of sleep. But most days, i feel like a zombie going through my daily routine. There was this one week though, he slept 6 hours, woke up to eat, and slept 4 hours after... a total of 10 hours! =) i was so happy! And then he got his shots... and it never happened again. I'm so tired... i think i'm slowly getting used to it. However, now that i'm starting to do more things, it's surely starting to take its toll on me... i'm not so sure how i'm gonna do this... but i'll figure something out. I'm still not getting a yaya though... i just can't. I really don't want to. I'll struggle for as long as i can until i absolutely cannot do it anymore.
3. Frustration with losing weight. This whole losing weight thing is such a bitch. I gained about 60 pounds when i was pregnant... i was nearly 200 pounds. *yuck* haha! breastfeeding helped me shed about 45 pounds, and the 15 pounds left is all up to me. It's just so damn frustrating coz it's hard, for one. And secondly, it takes so frikin' long to get into shape. I know it's not the right way to think, but that's just really how i am. I know it's not gonna happen instantly... but i've been massive for far too long. I've made a lot of progress though in the past 2 weeks... and knowing that it works is good motivation for me to keep on going. When i fit into my old clothes, i'll let you know. ;-)
4. I never have anything to wear because nothing looks good on me. Again, it's a weight issue... but really, it's more of a clothes issue. I tell myself i won't buy anything in my size now because i'm not gonna be this way long enough anyway... i'd rather not spend on clothes i won't use for long. (haha! i'm in denial, i think).
5. Nobody's helping me. I feel like i'm in this alone... need i say more? well, aside from my mom and my sister who visit us 2-3 times a week, i pretty much do everything on my own. it's frustrating just trying to explain it.
6. I don't have time for myself and my whole world revolves around Dylan. I love being with him... but sometimes, i just wish i had something to do for me. I'm glad i'm going to the gym because i do use that time for myself... but other than that, nothing. I don't hang out with friends, i don't see anybody else aside from the people i live with... and i feel like i've been living under a rock.
7. I have no friends. I don't think the people i used to hang out with have an interest in babies, or people who happen to have them. Sucks, but that is the reality of it all. Just goes to show what kind of people i chose to be my "friends". I've gotten over it, and it doesn't affect me as much now like it used to... but still... it just would've been nice if i found a bunch of people who would "stick around". But really, that's the least of my concerns. I have the people who really matter in my life and that's all that really matters. (ok, so i don't really have "no friends". But a grip of them that i considered to be really good friends really weren't... and that sucks... but now, i know).
8. My energy is at an all time low. And it's really hard to multi-task when when you can hardly stay awake. *BLaH*

So there... that's really all i can think of right now. If i think of anything else, i'll just add it on.

Right now, i'm sort of struggling to get through my day. I haven't even written on my Blog for the longest time.

Yea, i'm tired... and sure, it's hard... i do complain every now and then, and yes, i get frustrated... but all i really need to do is look at Dylan, and at how far i've come. The innocence in his eyes & the happiness in his smile... the look on his face when he sees me... and i know all this is truly worth it.

donni

I was just about to fall asleep... i was in that state where you're not exactly sleeping, but not entirely awake. It was the end of one long night of partying and i just wanted to knock out. However, my phone started to ring. I was too tired and still drunk. I checked the caller ID and it read, "Dons". He was my best friend from Brent Baguio and he usually calls me when he's in Manila so we can hook up and hang out. I didn't think i could really talk to him just yet so i told myself i'd get back to him tomorrow as soon as i got up. I put my phone on silent, ignored the phone call, and went to sleep.

It's 10:30am and my phone started to vibrate... it was Donni again. I've only had 5 hours of sleep. I was hungover, tired, groggy, and the sunlight was giving me a headache. I thought since he was calling so early in the morning and that he tried calling me last night that whatever he had to say should be important. I picked up the phone and greeted him, "wasuk?". I was a bit surprised & caught off guard because instead of Dons, it was a lady on the other end of the line. What's going on? She responded, "Is this Thea? Donni's friend from Brent?"
Discreetly, i answered, "Yes..."
Little did i know, that the next few words would have such an impact on me... in a way, haunt me, perhaps for the rest of my life. The lady continued, "I would just like to let you know that Donni passed away this morning. Please pray for him."
"What?!?! How?! That's not possible..." I quickly bolted and sat up on my bed. I was frantic. In a state of shock. I couldn't believe what i was hearing.
"Your number is the last one he dialled... it says here on the dialled numbers list. Did he say anything to you?"
"What happened?" This was a joke, right? Somebody tell me that the prank is over...
"We found him this morning at the bottom of a cliff..." There was a sound of emptiness in her voice. This was his mother trying to explain to me what had happened to her son...
"Oh my God... i'm so sorry..." I didn't know what to say. I was still thinking that there was no way that this could possibly be real.

With that, Mrs. Cadiogan said goodbye and once again, asked me to pray for her only son. I sat there on my bed. I was wide awake now. It felt completely surreal. I couldn't believe it. What had happened? Oh my God... what did he call me for? Donni's gone... i can't believe he's gone...

I jumped out of bed, stormed out of my room, stood in the middle of the hallway and yelled, "Mommy!!!" My mom quickly rushed over from the kitchen, asked me what happened... and that was that. Nobody could comfort me. I had lost one of my bestest buds... my best friend... and there was absolutely nothing i could do about it. I went on shut down mode and zoned everybody out of my world. All i could really do was cry... i bawled like there was no tomorrow... i just couldn't believe it had happened. Something so tragic, so final...

That was two years ago... and it still gets me every time i think about it. Later that week, i found out it was suicide. Whether it had anything to do with drugs or just depression, nobody knows. That phone call he made to me? To this day, i regret i didn't pick up. Maybe i could've changed how it all played out... maybe he was just calling to say goodbye. We'll never really know. I'd like to think that i could've made a difference... but it kills me to think that, really, i didn't. It eats me up inside to think that i ignored it... that somehow, i could've done something to have made things better. For a while i kept thinking to myself that his death was my fault... that it was all up to me, and i made him take the wrong path. People tell me that there was nothing i could do about it or that it really wasn't my fault... i really don't know. I've played the perfect scenario over and over again in my head, i keep wishing that i could go back and do things differently... but i can't.

Exactly a year after this happened...

I was in Cebu. We were staying at the Marriot Hotel and we had a gig at this bar/club called Vudu. After a night of a hardcore dancing, partying, and drinking, Michelle and i retired for the night and headed back to our room. We were so drunk we didn't even bother to clean up (i know, totally gross... believe me, we were assed out!). I think we managed to wash our faces though (with great difficulty), just so we got all the makeup off our faces (huge no-no to sleep with makeup on). We also managed to change out of our party clothes and slipped into our sleeping clothes. After that, we were completely knocked out!

At 5:20am, i woke up, rattled. I had only slept for less than an hour. I checked my phone and looked at the time... and i realized, it was the exact time Donni had called me a year ago. I was shook up... because he had come to me in a dream. I don't know whether it was just planted in my subconscious, or if it had some hocus-pocus to do with it... but it kinda freaked me out.

In my dream, i was sitting on a blanket, right next to a tree, in the middle of a garden. It seemed like it was a bright afternoon and there was nobody around. Donni came out from behind the tree and started to speak to me.
"Why didn't you wanna talk to me? Why didn't you help me when i needed you the most? I thought you were my friend... I thought i meant something to you. Why did you let me go?"
I began to plead, "I didn't know. Please understand. I'm sorry. I didn't know."
He exclaimed, "If you want to make it up to me, you'll come with me right now. Take my hand and come with me. We can start all over and everything will be alright."

This went on for a while. He kept asking me to take his hand and go with him somewhere. To make up for being a shitty friend. For giving up on him.
I kept on refusing, "I don't know what you're talking about. I can't go with you... i belong here... i can't go with you."
He always answered back, "Why weren't you there when i needed you? I thought you were my friend. Come with me and everything will be okay." His hand still held out.

Then, out of nowhere, Mars (my boyfriend) came into the picture. He looked at me and said, "Thea, you don't have to go with him. It wasn't your fault. Come home. C'mon, let's get out of here." He held out his hand, i took it, looked at Donni and said, "I'm sorry."

Next thing i knew, i was awake, in my hotel room, in bed, crying. (Drama, huh?)

I seriously felt, in my heart, that Donni thought i had given up on him. That i was a no good friend for letting him go. For not picking up the phone when he was hanging by a thread, facing the decision between life and death. I still don't know what to think...

I've had a few other dreams where Dons would come to me again, asking me to go with him to who-knows-where. I don't know if i'm just being paranoid, if it has anything to do with what i feel, or if it really means something...

I do know that deep down inside, i feel guilty. This is something that triggers me, and i get really emotional. What was going on in his life that was so bad, he just gave up? How horrible did he feel to do something so final? How hopeless did life look that he just wanted to let go? I know i'll never figure this out and that nobody has the answers... but i wish i could understand.

The last time i ever spoke to him, he got mad at me... he was pissed off because i couldn't make it to his birthday thing in Sagada. Supposedly, it was gonna be one huge smoke-out session. It was important to him that i'd be there... but i turned down his invitation because i was working, i had tons to do, and Sagada? I didn't have time for a smoke-out session in Sagada. I told him i'd make up for it... i never did.

Also, about two months before he passed away, i was in Baguio for a graduation. We agreed to meet up while i was there... but it never happened. I was there for a whole week. I hung out with our other buddy, Ken... but Donni didn't show up. The week passed, and by the time i was on a bus, 3 hours away from Baguio, Donni calls and says he had just arrived in Baguio... and he was looking for me and Ken. Ken left 2 days before i did... and i was on a bus heading back to Manila.

He signed my yearbook the year i left Brent Baguio... he said that there will never be a goodbye between the two of us. He said that what we had was a friendship that will linger and keep on going for all the years to come. We were gonna keep in touch and stay tight forever. We thought that he was the male me and i was the female him. We clicked from day 1. We went through so much together and it killed me to leave him when i had to move to Manila. He was a good person. He was always happy, which is why i still can't understand what happened. We were never supposed to have a goodbye...

I believe that we meet different poeple in our lives at a certain time for a purpose. You're only given so much time... and when your time is up, it's up. That's that. Our lives are made up of different chapters that form us as unique individuals and each experience defines us a person. We go through so many different things in our lives. Some good & some bad... but we are what we are because of what we've been through. The people we meet along the way also help us find ourselves... and sometimes, they are the chapter.

I will never forget Donni & everything he represented and brought into my life. Our crazy days together i consider to be the best days of my life (now, next to the birth of my son, of course). So yea, that chapter is over... i've already gone through a few others and now, i've just about started a new one... but i know i'm never gonna forget it. I miss him, i really do.

So Donni... until our lives cross paths again... it's about done in this life... so maybe the next.

*PeAcE*