drum roll please...

and here it is:

**as i kiss the sky**

ladies and gents... step into my world.
peace, true love, & happiness.
i'll see you on the other side.

allow me to re-introduce myself...

it's been almost 2 years since i've written anything...
i feel as if this person has completely morphed into someone else. No longer are these issues a weight on my shoulders. Wow, such a thing of the past.
I have grown tremendously in the past 2 years. I've left some characteristics behind and have locked up memories, never again to be dwelled upon. I'm the new ME.
With that said... i'm thinking about writing again.
I started this blog because it was a great outlet for the chaos going on in my head when i had nobody to talk to and when i simply felt like i wanted to be "heard".
It helped me through some of the most challenging things i had to experience in my life... so here i am.
I'm starting fresh because i feel like this is no longer who i am... but i don't want to erase it as if it never existed. So when i start up again... i'll be sure to let you know. It might even be sooner than you think.
Are we really halfway through 2007 already?
insanity, i tell you.

in the now

where did it go? time flew past me so quickly. It's taking so much and giving so little... i don't understand that. There are more questions to be answered and more things that need to be done. But when does it stop? Is there really a destination? or is it supposed to be a journey all our lives? Who ever said that better necessarily means "happy". And how do you know for sure that it IS what WILL make you happy... then does it end there? Or will there be a need for more happiness? See, it's just never enough. It doesn't stop there. So if your whole life is a journey.. shouldn't we might as well enjoy the scenery? It might take a while...
i'm taking the necessary steps... i'm just taking my time. I haven't exactly put a permanent stamp on a certain decision yet... but it's getting there.
I'm still unsure which path i want to take. I'm not exactly sure which one will be happier and/or better. I'm not sure which one i'll be able to take on better. Asking these questions, are all on its own, is already not such a good thing.
Fine. I'm nervous. I'm a bit freaked out. But i'm cautious. And as much as possible, i try to be realistic.
Isn't this so general? i could read this ten years from now and think the exact same thing and ask the exact same questions but only for a completely different scenario and it just might actually make sense.
It just might be the story of my life.

uh... wut?!

can somebody please tell me why all the info on my sidebar decided they wanted to chill at the bottom of my page?

I swear, i didn't touch anything so i have no idea why it moved. I'm completely internet & html retarded too so it's not like i know what's going on.

help would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

in my dreams, all is good

It's been three years since... and once again, i've been so caught up in the dilemma i call LiFe, that it completely slipped my mind. I went to bed early, tired & exhausted... i was ready to leave my day behind and wake up to something new. Little did i know, i would come across a detour on my way to the next day, yet again, in the form of a dream.

I'm on the beach. I'm kicking back, relaxing, just chilling. It felt like i was on vacation and it looked as if i had absolutely nothing planned for the day. It was glorious. The weather wasn't perfect... it was a bit windy. The skies were gray with clouds scattered here and there. The ocean was furious with waves violently crashing up on shore. Not a person in sight. Then, in a distance, i see a tall, dark figure appear and slowly began inching its way towards me. For a moment, i didn't know exactly who it was... but as he calmly walked towards my direction... it hit me like a slap across the face. For a brief moment, i felt like a wanted to wake up. I knew who it was. I knew what this dream meant... but as much as i didn't want to go through it again... i wanted to see what he had to say this time around.

He casually sat down next to me on the sand. We both just glanced at each other quickly, exchanged a friendly nod with a smile, and at the same time just looked away and stared out into the open sea.

It was Donni.

"We've never been to the beach together..." he said.

I looked at him again, smiled, and replied, "I know..."

There was silence for a while until he started again, "I heard about what happened. Are you okay? How've you been?"

This whole time we don't even look at each other. We're both just staring out into the ocean... we have a casual conversation just like old friends catching up. I didn't expect this at all. Actually, i expected something quite different.

We ramble on for what felt like only a few minutes. It was a quick catch-up conversation. Nothing serious. Suddenly, he gets up, dusts the sand off his shorts, and says, "I have to go. It was good talking to you. I'll see you again, okay?"

I answer back, "of course." And he started walking away the exact manner, as casually, as he arrived. I was surprised. That was it? REally? and then i realized i had spoken too soon...

Only a few feet away from me, he pauses... turns around and heads back towards me. He asks, "Are you happy?" and i reply, "I'm trying..."

The dream that i had before slowly started to take shape once again. I was ready for it. "I'm not. It's hard for me, you see... i need you." he mutters.

"I can't..." was all i could say. I couldn't even look at him. I was staring at the ground. The grains of sand all of a sudden started to look interesting. I didn't wanna have this conversation again. My life is different now... much more different from the last time he visited. What scares me, however, is that this time, i almost felt like i wanted to say yes and go with him. Maybe, just maybe, it would be easier. But i couldn't do that. Not now, not ever. It's a path that will never be an option for me. Never.

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. My facial expression telling him that i couldn't handle all this right now. He didn't say anything at first... and then finally, just whispered, "I understand."

With that, he kissed my forehead, got up, and went on his way. The dream was over.

I woke up in an instant, in a dark, cold room. None of the lights were on. Rain was pouring outside like a mother biatch. Rumbling thunder. It was freezing in this room. I woke up alone, scared, and confused. I didn't know what to do... or what to think for that matter.

Later on today, i went on the internet. Without even thinking about it, i went on Google and looked up the name Cadiogan, Donni. 3 results came up. 2 of which were the same article and one that wasn't so significant. I clicked on the article and was astounded with what i found. I was shocked.

Someone had actually written a serious article about the incident. The story behind it, the reason, how it played out, and the opinions of the people living in the village. It was crazy. I never even bothered to try and look it up before. This article was written in 2003. http://www.jtesoro.net/trarchives/categories/filipino/

I've accepted what happened. But i still constantly wonder about the coulda shoulda woulda's. I can't help it. That was a tragic milestone in my life that i would rather never happend. It still haunts me... and reading that article had a huge impact on me. There were things in there that i never knew about. Facts i never thought about... details i didn't even wonder about. I have images in my head now that bothers me. I don't know whether to believe it or not.

It was a shock to me and i felt my heart break and shatter into a million pieces. They made it seem like his life was so tragic. They made it look like he was such a bad person. They made it seem like what happened was completely expected. "The natural end to his troubled existence"... ? ? ? what exactly is that supposed to mean?

It is a common belief in majority of religions that one who takes his/her own life automatically buys themselves a one way ticket to the "bad" place. The worst and scariest interpretation of that place, that i have ever seen, was depicted in the movie, Constantine. Now, that was horror. I seriously got a glimpse of hell. I could feel the tragedy. When i saw it, i couldn't contain myself... i ended up thinking about this and just started crying. It hurt me so much just the thought that such a place could possibly exist and this is where a close friend of mine is doomed to spend his entire being for all eternity. I can't even find the words to fully express just how much this upsets me. It not only breaks my heart... it shatters my soul.

I can't make up excuses for what happened. I can't defend him. I barely even know the foundation of the situation. Nobody ever talks about it. It was a tragedy. I know that. But please... there's no need to speak of it in an ill manner. It's not necessary to rub it in. It's already understood.

“It gives you real respect for the truth when you have to clean up lives that have been based on a lie. Think about it. Donni”

Those were the last words he ever wrote... now, written on his epitaph.
i just want to understand what was going on... i need to find closure. If he was screaming out loud right before he did it... what was he saying? Why didn't i get that feeling? Why didn't i know? I should have known... again, i'm consumed by guilt.

Every year, in my dreams, only once every now and then, on the same day, same time--- i meet with him. Is it real? spiritual maybe? or just plain trauma & guilt, planted in my subconscious?

I miss him. I miss his smile and his bear hugs. I miss our high times and our crazy laugh trips. I miss sitting out on the curb, at 3am for 3 hours, in the cold, waiting for a taxi with him just so we both make it through our doors before "curfew". I miss our stupid drinking games that neither of us would win whenever we played against each other. I miss the inside jokes and our made up words that noone else would understand. I miss the random, "i'm in Manila, let's party" texts. I miss the random phone calls. i miss the clowning and the crazy conversations. I just miss his presence.

I pray to all the higher beings that he has found peace. If he felt like an outcast in this superficial world, i hope, through whatever miracle, that he has found his place. He just needed to be accepted... he just wanted to belong. Is that asking for too much?

He was a good person...
I pray to God he's resting in peace.

***I consider this experience to have been one of the hardest things i ever had to go through. It took me months to heal. I wrote about it for the first time only a year ago.
http://mtism.blogspot.com/2004/09/donni.html

i'm only human

I'm not Superwoman (in that "sense" of being "super"). I'm not Mother Teresa, either. I'm not an eternal optimist and i don't have the answer to everybody's problems. I don't have a never-ending-flowing-river of strength that i magically conjure up from within whenever i please. I don't have all the time in the world nor can i stop it either. My emotions do get the better of me at times... I break down too... i have my moments of confusion... and a lot of the time, life gets so tough, i do feel like giving up. I have my share of making dumb decisions and retarded choices. I make my mistakes.

hey, i'm only human.

It's been a few weeks since i last published anything. Not that i haven't written anything... just not anything worth sharing for the world to see. I was under the impression that if it wasn't anything motivating, inspirational, or productive that it wasn't worth posting up. I'm not one to bitch about certain aspects of my life... so i didn't do it.

To be honest, the past few weeks of my life have been one chaotic whirlpool. To put it bluntly--- it was a mess. Straight up confusion and drama. I met my alter ego and decided to stick with this person. I became the newest rebel of the world. I lost me.

I’ve written a fair bit in the past few weeks. Articles I wouldn’t dare publish. For a while I had even forgotten that I had written anything… and when I discovered them just sitting there, waiting to be read… I was shocked at what I had found. I didn’t realize I was so caught up in depression. All the aggression, the anxiety, the front, the repression, the rage just decided to creep up behind me and when least expected, turned me around and kicked me in the face. Just when i thought i was all good. I didn’t see it coming…
I really did lose me…

I was consumed by the chaos building up inside me. I ran away from my sadness with high hopes that everything will just magically work out on its own. I abandoned the reality of my life. I wanted to stop time and conjure up a life where everything was good... and even though i new it would all eventually end... i tried my best to make now last for as long as i could.

I sought refuge in a place that allowed me to be myself and fully accepted me for everything that i was. Within these walls, i felt like i was invincible. This box was my sanctuary. Once again, i felt like my life was something remotely close to what i would consider "normal". For a while, i actually took a step back, looked at how everything was and thought to myself, "this is what life is supposed to be like".

I guess as real as it was for those moments, and as happy as it made me... it was actually just an artificial high. Sooner or later i would have to snap out of it and sober up. It was time for me to recognize the side effects of being trapped in Never-Never-Land.

I have my reasons for doing what i did. I don't have the need to explain myself... because honestly, i just don't care anymore. Other people can judge me and make assumptions all on their own... but it doesn't mean they completely know what's going on within me. It doesn't mean they understand. But I do.

I'm not inconsiderate. Don't judge me. I'm not stupid nor crazy. Don't pitty me. I'm a rational person, a woman of reason. I realize i have to take responsibility for my actions. Different people handle certain situations in their own way... so please, let me be. I don't want to rush things. Slowly but surely, i'm getting better. I'll get there in due time. I don't want to hide things and brush off certain issues anymore... i'm sick and tired of putting up a front. I'll be the first to tell you--- it only makes things worse. It doesn't work that way for me. I'm not gonna wake up one morning and decide that i'll be fabulous that day. That's just not how it works. I have to understand what's going on and fully accept my situation first before anything else. I know what i'm doing. It might not look it... but have a little bit more faith in me.

I've stumbled many times in my journey throughout this life. I've always managed to pick myself up. Sometimes i get up faster than expected, others, i tend to dwell upon just a little bit longer. Recently, i felt the strength within me diminish swiflty. It was definitely one of my darkest hours... but i'm not weak spirited. I don't quit either. My emotions tend to get the better of me at times... but it's nothing that can't be fixed.

We all fall... every single one of us. I've never had to deal with anything like this before... it should be no surprise that i find it so damn difficult. I'm only human. All i'm asking for is some understanding... and a little bit of time.

Let me be.

don't procrastinate... MOTIVATE!

I've made up my mind. I'm ready. I have to do this. Time to get over my fears and move on already.

The end of an era, the dawn of a new horizon...

I've come to realize that i use that statement a lot. I've had certain phases of my life just come to a complete stop and the next chapter of my life quickly starts to unfold. That's how life really is, isn't it?

And so it starts. The reality that i neglected and the responsibility i irresponsibly ignored is calling out for me.

I'm 22 years old... and i'm about to leave my youth behind and sacrifice my early adult life. I realize that i've been whining over petty things. I've been selfish to the point where my priorities got crazy mixed up. I just wanted my life back again... but i know that no matter how hard i try, my reality will always be there. I can't ignore it any longer. I don't want to reach that point where it becomes something irreplaceable, something i can't get back to, absolutely cannot fix, and then i'll just end up regretting it. I've been selfish.

What could be more important in life than making sure that the well being of your seed is solidified? Isn't that what almost everyone strives for? At some point in everyone's life, all they really want is to know that they've built themselves up well enough to ensure the survival of their seed. That's what i'm supposed to do. That's what i'm about to embark on.

I'm coming home. And when i do... i'm staying there. It's where i belong. That's where my life is at. That's where my loyalty lies, above anything else. I have to focus on my family and moving on to bigger and better things.

I can't live like this... the way i've been dealing with my life for the past 6 years. My lifestyle has to completely change. No more halfies. I can't try to balance things out. Being a parent is about sacrifice... and there's no room for selfishness.

So there... i'm coming home. I'm leaving all the bullshit outside the door. I'm bringing productivity and motivation with me. My world is about to change within a few hours.

Acceptance and understanding. The beginning of mentally healing. Everything else comes after.

i'm going home.

and THEN... there were pictures

here it is. I don't know why they came out this size... but it was saved that way, so it's not my fault. I'm internet/computer retarded... so it's out of my control. Hope y'all see em alright.

so here they are...


"what's your biggest pet peeve?"

"bullet in the leg" --- Thea & Maryann, June 9, 2005

That would be me on the hospital bed on my 2nd or 3rd day at the hospital. I managed to move a little bit and have my buddy Jay-D take a photo. I'd say it was "gangsta"... but that's far from what the hell i really am... nothing even remotely close.
It hurt like a bitch... still does... but i'm a soldier, what can i say? *chyea* haha! (i can actually joke about it, yes. Is that strange?)


Nokia saves lives...
this would be the remains of my beloved Nokia 8310. I had that phone for 4 solid years. If you look closer, you can actually see where the bullet went straight through. This was in my right pocket.
My dumbass never bothered to backup all my numbers, emails, messages, and everything else in there... so i lost all my information. If you've been trying to text me or call me on (0919)8847834... you won't reach me. That's long gone... *sigh* I loved that phone. I still miss it.


Armani White... it wreaks.
I had that cologne for 2 years. I even bought the huge bottle, dammit. It's a can... and as you can see, that huge gash, right there (c'mon, you can't miss it) is obviously where the bullet passed. That's a CAN. Solid metal. I would've thought my phone and that cologne would be enough to stop a bullet. I'm stoOpid. haha! I watch too many movies, that's why.
Everytime i step into my room, it wreaks of Armani White. My bag is just hanging off the pole of my bed. I haven't washed it, i haven't thrown away anything that was in it. There's still rubble and everything in there. Shards of metal, tobacco from my cigarette pack, pieces of plastic and paper... i'm telling you, the bullet went through everything i had in that bag.


Thank God for gurly junk and those annoying bags that get in our way when we wanna dance.
Look closer and you'll see 2 (not 1, but 2!!!) bullet holes on my bag. Yes, one other bullet missed me. *phew* Then, there's my tampon, broken in half, my cologne, and my phone. We didn't put everything else on there because those were the most interesting ones... but yeah. There they are.
I wasn't gonna go out with a bag that night. Thank God i did...


***Those are the pics. That's my story. *sigh*
Craziness... just pure insanity.
Entertaining though, right? People love this kinda craziness...
Why do you think the media dwells on violence and negativity? Because it's the type of ish that entertains people and captivates their attention the most. *tsk tsk*
Whatever, it's human nature.

i'm out.