donni

I was just about to fall asleep... i was in that state where you're not exactly sleeping, but not entirely awake. It was the end of one long night of partying and i just wanted to knock out. However, my phone started to ring. I was too tired and still drunk. I checked the caller ID and it read, "Dons". He was my best friend from Brent Baguio and he usually calls me when he's in Manila so we can hook up and hang out. I didn't think i could really talk to him just yet so i told myself i'd get back to him tomorrow as soon as i got up. I put my phone on silent, ignored the phone call, and went to sleep.

It's 10:30am and my phone started to vibrate... it was Donni again. I've only had 5 hours of sleep. I was hungover, tired, groggy, and the sunlight was giving me a headache. I thought since he was calling so early in the morning and that he tried calling me last night that whatever he had to say should be important. I picked up the phone and greeted him, "wasuk?". I was a bit surprised & caught off guard because instead of Dons, it was a lady on the other end of the line. What's going on? She responded, "Is this Thea? Donni's friend from Brent?"
Discreetly, i answered, "Yes..."
Little did i know, that the next few words would have such an impact on me... in a way, haunt me, perhaps for the rest of my life. The lady continued, "I would just like to let you know that Donni passed away this morning. Please pray for him."
"What?!?! How?! That's not possible..." I quickly bolted and sat up on my bed. I was frantic. In a state of shock. I couldn't believe what i was hearing.
"Your number is the last one he dialled... it says here on the dialled numbers list. Did he say anything to you?"
"What happened?" This was a joke, right? Somebody tell me that the prank is over...
"We found him this morning at the bottom of a cliff..." There was a sound of emptiness in her voice. This was his mother trying to explain to me what had happened to her son...
"Oh my God... i'm so sorry..." I didn't know what to say. I was still thinking that there was no way that this could possibly be real.

With that, Mrs. Cadiogan said goodbye and once again, asked me to pray for her only son. I sat there on my bed. I was wide awake now. It felt completely surreal. I couldn't believe it. What had happened? Oh my God... what did he call me for? Donni's gone... i can't believe he's gone...

I jumped out of bed, stormed out of my room, stood in the middle of the hallway and yelled, "Mommy!!!" My mom quickly rushed over from the kitchen, asked me what happened... and that was that. Nobody could comfort me. I had lost one of my bestest buds... my best friend... and there was absolutely nothing i could do about it. I went on shut down mode and zoned everybody out of my world. All i could really do was cry... i bawled like there was no tomorrow... i just couldn't believe it had happened. Something so tragic, so final...

That was two years ago... and it still gets me every time i think about it. Later that week, i found out it was suicide. Whether it had anything to do with drugs or just depression, nobody knows. That phone call he made to me? To this day, i regret i didn't pick up. Maybe i could've changed how it all played out... maybe he was just calling to say goodbye. We'll never really know. I'd like to think that i could've made a difference... but it kills me to think that, really, i didn't. It eats me up inside to think that i ignored it... that somehow, i could've done something to have made things better. For a while i kept thinking to myself that his death was my fault... that it was all up to me, and i made him take the wrong path. People tell me that there was nothing i could do about it or that it really wasn't my fault... i really don't know. I've played the perfect scenario over and over again in my head, i keep wishing that i could go back and do things differently... but i can't.

Exactly a year after this happened...

I was in Cebu. We were staying at the Marriot Hotel and we had a gig at this bar/club called Vudu. After a night of a hardcore dancing, partying, and drinking, Michelle and i retired for the night and headed back to our room. We were so drunk we didn't even bother to clean up (i know, totally gross... believe me, we were assed out!). I think we managed to wash our faces though (with great difficulty), just so we got all the makeup off our faces (huge no-no to sleep with makeup on). We also managed to change out of our party clothes and slipped into our sleeping clothes. After that, we were completely knocked out!

At 5:20am, i woke up, rattled. I had only slept for less than an hour. I checked my phone and looked at the time... and i realized, it was the exact time Donni had called me a year ago. I was shook up... because he had come to me in a dream. I don't know whether it was just planted in my subconscious, or if it had some hocus-pocus to do with it... but it kinda freaked me out.

In my dream, i was sitting on a blanket, right next to a tree, in the middle of a garden. It seemed like it was a bright afternoon and there was nobody around. Donni came out from behind the tree and started to speak to me.
"Why didn't you wanna talk to me? Why didn't you help me when i needed you the most? I thought you were my friend... I thought i meant something to you. Why did you let me go?"
I began to plead, "I didn't know. Please understand. I'm sorry. I didn't know."
He exclaimed, "If you want to make it up to me, you'll come with me right now. Take my hand and come with me. We can start all over and everything will be alright."

This went on for a while. He kept asking me to take his hand and go with him somewhere. To make up for being a shitty friend. For giving up on him.
I kept on refusing, "I don't know what you're talking about. I can't go with you... i belong here... i can't go with you."
He always answered back, "Why weren't you there when i needed you? I thought you were my friend. Come with me and everything will be okay." His hand still held out.

Then, out of nowhere, Mars (my boyfriend) came into the picture. He looked at me and said, "Thea, you don't have to go with him. It wasn't your fault. Come home. C'mon, let's get out of here." He held out his hand, i took it, looked at Donni and said, "I'm sorry."

Next thing i knew, i was awake, in my hotel room, in bed, crying. (Drama, huh?)

I seriously felt, in my heart, that Donni thought i had given up on him. That i was a no good friend for letting him go. For not picking up the phone when he was hanging by a thread, facing the decision between life and death. I still don't know what to think...

I've had a few other dreams where Dons would come to me again, asking me to go with him to who-knows-where. I don't know if i'm just being paranoid, if it has anything to do with what i feel, or if it really means something...

I do know that deep down inside, i feel guilty. This is something that triggers me, and i get really emotional. What was going on in his life that was so bad, he just gave up? How horrible did he feel to do something so final? How hopeless did life look that he just wanted to let go? I know i'll never figure this out and that nobody has the answers... but i wish i could understand.

The last time i ever spoke to him, he got mad at me... he was pissed off because i couldn't make it to his birthday thing in Sagada. Supposedly, it was gonna be one huge smoke-out session. It was important to him that i'd be there... but i turned down his invitation because i was working, i had tons to do, and Sagada? I didn't have time for a smoke-out session in Sagada. I told him i'd make up for it... i never did.

Also, about two months before he passed away, i was in Baguio for a graduation. We agreed to meet up while i was there... but it never happened. I was there for a whole week. I hung out with our other buddy, Ken... but Donni didn't show up. The week passed, and by the time i was on a bus, 3 hours away from Baguio, Donni calls and says he had just arrived in Baguio... and he was looking for me and Ken. Ken left 2 days before i did... and i was on a bus heading back to Manila.

He signed my yearbook the year i left Brent Baguio... he said that there will never be a goodbye between the two of us. He said that what we had was a friendship that will linger and keep on going for all the years to come. We were gonna keep in touch and stay tight forever. We thought that he was the male me and i was the female him. We clicked from day 1. We went through so much together and it killed me to leave him when i had to move to Manila. He was a good person. He was always happy, which is why i still can't understand what happened. We were never supposed to have a goodbye...

I believe that we meet different poeple in our lives at a certain time for a purpose. You're only given so much time... and when your time is up, it's up. That's that. Our lives are made up of different chapters that form us as unique individuals and each experience defines us a person. We go through so many different things in our lives. Some good & some bad... but we are what we are because of what we've been through. The people we meet along the way also help us find ourselves... and sometimes, they are the chapter.

I will never forget Donni & everything he represented and brought into my life. Our crazy days together i consider to be the best days of my life (now, next to the birth of my son, of course). So yea, that chapter is over... i've already gone through a few others and now, i've just about started a new one... but i know i'm never gonna forget it. I miss him, i really do.

So Donni... until our lives cross paths again... it's about done in this life... so maybe the next.

*PeAcE*