miss-teaze-ism

groundless speculation

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

meeting my angel

*WARNING: extremely long entry and includes details about pregnancy, giving birth, & babies. Again, if this does not interest you in any way whatsoever, go ahead and skip this, and read someone else's blog. Thank you. =)

*This idea came to mind because a friend of mine wrote about her experience... i found it to be so interesting and i also realized that i never put my experience down in writing. I consider it to be the most important day of my life, a life changing experience, and one of the happiest moments i've ever had... why shouldn't i put it into writing and share it with everybody else? It would be nice to recall how the last week or so of my pregnancy unfolded all up to the point i met my angel. Besides, if nobody cares to read about this, i'm doing it for me. =)

Here goes nothing...

Hmm... where do i even begin? Okay, well everybody knows that pregnancy lasts about 9 (Lunar) or 10 (real, actual) months which equals to about 40 weeks or so. Or something like that. (If you've never experienced pregnancy you're probably thinking that the time thing doesn't really matter [it'll be time when it's time] and what's the use of counting... but believe me... we counted. Every day, week, month, hour, minute and second). But however it goes... it's a loooooooong and strenuous process. Women should definitely be considered heroes of the world for what we have to go through to populate the world and keep our species alive.

I was tired of lugging my fat-ass-swollen-massive-self around. I gained 60 pounds when i was pregnant! Although i don't recommend it to everyone else who's thinking of having a baby... it really wasn't so bad. I mean yeah, it was hard to fit into my clothes, it was hard to stand (what more, walk!), i had to roll outa bed, and it was difficult to get outa the car. But really, i just couldn't help it... i had the urge to eat every 30 minutes and when i ate, i really ATE. Besides, you shed the pounds after you give birth anyway. I know i complained about this A LOT when i was pregnant, but you forget about it anyway and really, it was for a good cause. With that said, i'd like to make a very positive report that i only have 8 more pounds to go until i'm back to my original size. *hOoRaY* It's a biatch getting rid of the last 13 pounds... i'm just glad that the first 45 pounds just disappeared naturally. Also, the amount of weight you gain when you're pregnant doesn't determine the size of your baby. It depends on WHAT you eat. I mean sure, i gained 60 pounds... but my baby came out 6.2 pounds. haha! that means 53 pounds was all ME! *bLah* so anyway, contradiciting what i said in the beginning... try not to gain too much weight. But if you do... it's all good. No need to stress. (swaying off the topic here)

Anyway, i was on week 38 already. Just a week before my due date. I was 186 pounds and about 45 inches in diameter around the belly. haha! =) good gracious... i was HUGE! During the previous weeks i had felt killer contractions only twice and felt the baby drop at about week 34. Or something like that (i don't have my book with me, this is just a guess... or i'm trying to recall but i'm not totally accurate. I'll change it if i turn out to be wrong). The anticipation was killing me. Finally, one morning, something worth something happened... and it all just rolled from there.

I woke up at 8am on a Monday, May 3, 2004. I had to use the bathroom. So there i was, doing my business when i noticed a stain in my ever so unattractive granny underwear. Something i've been waiting for for weeks! It was "the show" (meaning blood). A feeling of excitement came over me. I was ecstatic!
The previous weeks i've been having crazy contractions but they were still very irregular. Being the anxious sick-of-being-pregnant-expectant-mother-to-be that i was, i always thought that maybe it was gonna happen real soon... but nothing. Besides, the doctor said if it didn't come with "a show", then it was not anywhere near being time.
So i texted Mars (who was at work, ofcourse), "I'm bleeding! =)" and he drove home as soon as he finished up. I told him not to rush though coz i knew i wasn't gonna give birth right then and there. I just knew that it was a sign that we were gonna meet our baby boy very soon. =)
We had a doctor appointment for that day too. All the way at Asian Hospital in Alabang. So we picked up our ready-to-go bags (that were already packed and had just been waiting to go for weeks) and headed to the clinic for my chekup at 5:00pm.
As i told the doctor the great news, she checked me out and reported that i was 2cm dilated! *wOoP wOoP* I asked if we should just stay at the hospital already but she said that my contractions were still so irregular that it might not happen as soon as we had hoped. You see, when the dilating starts, you could go into labor anywhere between an hour to two whole weeks. There was really no telling whether it was gonna happen that day or the next week. But i was only 4 days shy of our due date and people kept telling me that boys come earlier than the due date and girls usually come later (for some reason i don't know why). Also, the doctor (Dra. Jacinto, the wonderful lady who delivered Dylan. She was fantastic. I recommend her to everyone who is thinking of having a baby) said that it was no use checking in if we weren't 100% sure it was gonna happen soon... waste of money for the room we were gonna have to pay for. So again, she told us to go home, relax, and just wait it out for a bit more. *boo*
After the check up i insisted we went to the 3rd Floor of the hospital coz i wanted MArs to see the Huggery (that's what they called the Nursery... so cute!). Mars also wanted to see the rooms again just so we could decide on what kind we really wanted to get. We got to the Huggery and there were about 7 babies all lined up on the other side of the window... so small and so cute. I was more anxious than ever to go into labor and get this whole pregnancy over with.
We had some guy give us the tour upstairs to show us the rooms. We decided on getting a large private (to accomodate visitors too and not just us). As we were on our way down, the guy asked if i was gonna give birth there, and how far along i was. I replied, "yea. I'm 9 months pregnant, we're hoping it'll happen real soon". And he responded, "talaga? hmm... mataas pa siya. Maybe one or two more weeks". I was like, whaaaaaaaaaat?!?! oh, hell no. I do not wanna wait that long. And for his information, i was 2cm dilated! so there. And when we hopped off the elevator, he said, "see you in one week!" and i was like, "no, we'll be seeing you tonight..." in the nicest way i could, but i really wanted to yell at him. I think it was one of those moments where the hormones were taking over and the bitchy me was let loose.

So there we were, back in the car, heading back to the house. It was around 6:30pm and we didn't wanna get stuck in traffic on the way back to QC so we decided to hang out at Rockwell. We got to the mall, did a little window shopping, walked around a lot (which is supposed to help speed up labor), and then had dinner at Pazzo (i saved the receipt and stuck it on Dylan's baby book). By this time, i was having painful contractions already (not that i was dying, but it was a bit uncomfortable). However, it was still very irregular (like 7mins and then 20mins and then 5mins and then 30mins...). But nonetheless, they were contractions and i had to pause every now and then to wait for em to go away.

By 9:00pm at the house, the contractions were starting to be a real bitch. Not only were they annoying... they were 7 minutes apart. *oOoOoooh* But the doctor said to not go to the hospital unless they were very regular and only 5 minutes apart. So we stayed home... watched TV. I was watching the Discovery Channel, i remember. My dad told me to watch something about Amazing Women (just a bit of useless information for ya... wala lang). By 2am though, the contractions were starting to get pretty crazy. I tried all the little techniqes my Bible (every pregnant woman's bible--- What to expect when you're expecting. I did call it my Bible... apparently, everybody else did too) had suggested. Nothing worked. So i tried to sleep it off. Of course, in between annoying contractions and the urge to go to the bathroom every 2 frikin' minutes, i didn't get to sleep. Mars had a good 2 hours and by 4am... i started to whine like a brat. =) haha! Mars suggested we head to the hospital already and maybe the nurses could do something about it. I refused for a bit (coz my contractions weren't 5mins apart yet!). I also didn't wanna make the trip for nothing if it had been a false alarm. But we drove off at 4:55am and headed to hospital.

On the way to the hospital the highway was clear. Hardly any cars on the road. By this time... my contractions were 5mins apart and highly irritating. It just had to happen soon... it just had to.

We got to the hospital and it felt nothing like the movies. I wasn't screaming in pain during the drive. Mars wasn't rushing and zigzagging past other cars in a hurry to get me to the delivery room. We didn't park by the emergency entrance and i wasn't rushed off in some bed with wheels, crying in pain. Nope. We calmy walked into the hospital and headed to the labor room. 3rd Floor. Genesis. =)

We got there and some nurse took my weight (i always hated that part), my height, my blood pressure, and whatever other information they needed. We had to sign and fill in what felt like a hundred forms!! and finally, i was assigned a bed... and if that bed could talk... i bet it'd tell you one crazy story. And for the next 11 hours... it was gonna have to put up with me.

I lost track of time the minute i was strapped onto that bed. There weren't any windows in the room so there was really no way for me to know what time of day it was or anything. So there i was, lying on that bed when i'm told i have to change into some FuGLy hospital gown. The first thing i did--- i asked if they had it in BLue. =) haha! it was worth a try. The nurse walked off to check, came back, and sadly reported that the blue ones were all old stock, they didn't have em anymore and the pink ones are mandatory coz it labels me to whatever department i'm supposed to be in (in my case, the maternity section). *bOo* Then they tell me that i'm not allowed to have anything more to eat til after my baby was born. I was like, WHaT?!?!? they were depriving me of food (for a very good reason though... but for me, as a pregnant woman, it was horrible news). *wAh* and then, some GUY doctor (nothing against men doctors... i'm just more comfortable with women, that's all) comes in from behind the curtain and asks to check me out. I was 3cm dilated. So there was some progress, but it wasn't moving as fast as i thought.

I'm guessing it was somewhere around 7:30am and i've been awake for about 23 and a half hours. *gROggY* i was aSSed Out! i didn't know if i'd be able to pull it off. If this would take too long i was wondering if i'd have enough energy to go through with it. A nurse walks in and tells me that i have to take something to make me go to the bathroom. Take note, she said, "take". In my mind, i was thinking i was gonna drink a laxative to make me go. But nOoOoOoooOo... this lady walks in with a bottle... and some pointy spout thing they attach to it. (they gotta do this just so when i'm pushing, the baby doesn't come out with unpleasant friends... if you know what i mean). So she walks in and asks me to lie on my side... i'll leave the rest to your common sense. Let me just say, it was the most uncomfortable thing i ever had to do and it just straight up wasn't nice. *uRgK* Mars, however, got a kick out of it and had a real nice laugh to himself...

Okay, so i'm in bed, strapped onto monitors (baby's heartbeat, and the monitor that measures how strong my contractions are and how far apart they are), an IV digging into my right hand, sleepy, irritated, anxious, in pain, and uncomfortable. I don't even know what time of the day it was and i was delirious like crazy. All i really knew was that the contractions were starting to get damn painful and i wanted to know when they were gonna give me the drugs. *haha* Mars had been sitting on a flimsy couch right next to me the whole time. He read a few magazines and went out every now and then for a smoke. Usually, it would irritate me and send me into a bitch fit... but that time, i let it slide. I could only imagine how nervous he was. Also, at around lunch time, i told him to go out and have luch. The guy was gone for over an hour and the contractions, by this time, were NUTS. By then, i started to cry. The breathing thingamajigga (for me, anyway) just didn't do shit. I wanted pain killers... but i wasn't dilated enough for them to be able to administer any type of drugs into my system. Anesthesia slows down the dilation process so as much as possible, they give it at the last possible minute to the point where you really just cannot take it anymore. I was freezing my ass off like crazy. I had 3 blankets on me. I thought i'd be sweating like a horse (just like in the movies) but it wasn't even like that. I was frozen the entire time. My teeth were chattering, my feet were chilled, it was unbelievable.

I was obviously in pain already, by this time. You could tell just by looking at me. I was grabbing onto the sheets, i had tears rolling down my face, i looked exhausted and every time a contraction would come, i'd do the ugly-in-pain-face. That's where i tighten everything on my face together and look like i ate something extremely sour (or something like that). And what was irritating was that some nurse would come in and ask me if i was in pain. UH... NO SHIT!!! You THINK?!?! and one time, a nurse walked in to check the chart for my contractions and said, "aaaay... umiiyak na si mommy... masakit?" She said it so demurely too. Freakin' annoying. And another time, the male nurse comes in and asks me too, "does it hurt?" Honestly, people. Really... not something to ask a pregnant woman in labor. I wanted to scream at them and knock someone's teeth out. And this whole time, i held back from yelping in pain every time a contraction would attack me. There's a monitor right next to my bed that shows how strong the contractions get. I was complaining when my contractions hit 79... and my doctor told me, "oh, those are just the mild ones. The real painful ones are around 80-90". I couldn't believe it. My hardcore ones reached 113... you can imagine how painful that was. Mars would let me know when they were coming so i could brace myself and then tell me when it was easing off. He was trying to do everything he could to make things better for me. At one point though, he was starting to feel just how difficult it was for me because i started to cry and say to him that i couldn't do it anymore. He still tried to encourage me and when this one contraction started to come, he told me to squeeze his hand. It was just something i couldn't do though... he was stroking my face, and at the point where the contraction itself was at its' highest, Mars was starting to strangle me! he was so into the monitor and i guess just wasn't paying attention to what he was doing to me, and started to choke me. I had to yell when the contraction was over, "Mars, you're CHOKING ME!!!!" i was furious. But i knew he was only trying to make me feel better and that he really didn't know what he was doing. (kinda funny after a while. I laugh at that now and MArs is so embarrassed about that).

Finally, the drugs came, and i was the happiest person in the world. Mars and i made a deal that he would buy me a huge box of Ferrero for every needle they would stick in me. I asked him if the anesthesia needle was big coz i was getting so scared, but he said it was tiny. However, the scab from it on my back proves otherwise. I remember that at this point, i was in tears, delirious, tired, in pain, and seriously freezing my ass off. I was practically shaking 75% of the time i was in the labor room... and even more when i was in the delivery room. As the anesthesia creeped into my system, it was a soothing menthol feel on my back. I could feel it all over my body... and finally, i was relaxed. I even managed to take a nap for like an hour or so.

Around an hour and half later, the anesthesia started to wear off and all hell was about to break loose. I started to feel the contractions again and this time, it was more painful than ever, and 2 minutes apart. Hardly any time for me to ease off and then brace myself all over again. I started to scream for the Anesthesiologist (a real pleasant nice old lady). Turns out, she was MIA. She was the only Anesthesiologist in the building so she had other patients who needed her. Just so happens when i needed her, she was missing. I even remember screaming, "WHere is SHE?!?!!?". My doctor checked me out, told me i was fully dilated and that it was time. She instructed the nurses to roll me over to the delivery room and prep the things they needed for the delivery. I've never been more scared (or delirious) in my life.

So they unhooked me from all the monitors and what not. This was the only part of the whole experience that felt like i was in a movie. I was lying there in pain and all i could see were the flourescent lights above me, moving past me as i was rolled along. One shitty thing that happened--- as they were rolling me out of the labor room, i think the nurses' got a bit lazy in opening both doors and tried to squeeze me out using just one. DUMB idea. I was grabbing onto the side of the bed. I was clenching on the bars because i was in so much pain... and you know what happens? They slam right into the doorway... and my right hand got ipit. What the hell, right? and it just so happened to be the hand that had the IV on it. *tsk tsk tsk* *aRay*

So, the time had finally come... i was in the delivery room, getting prepped for delivery, Mars was standing right next to me, and i was about to give birth--- the experience of a lifetime. The Anesthesiologist finally showed up and gave me the last shot i needed... and after one or two more painful contractions, everything was fine. Seriously, drugs are super fabulous. As i felt the anesthesia make its way throughout my whole body, i slowly calmed down and faded into relaxation. Again, the delivery part--- nothing like the movies. So we're all there, just chillin', waiting for my next contraction. See, i push the same time a contraction occurs... so while nothing is going on, we're all sort of just resting and hanging out. The first time i tried, nothing really happened. I don't think i pushed hard enough even though i felt like it was the hardest i really could. The second time, 2 nurses actually "helped" me push by sort of digging into my tummy and squeezing the baby out like he was toothpaste. I gotta say, that helped A LOT. It came as a shock the first time we tried it... i couldn't breath and i felt like i had been tackled to the ground... but as we went along and i look back now, i don't think i could've done it as well as i did if it weren't for them.

Again, we were waiting for the next contraction, and everybody was just chillin. I noticed everybody started to giggle and i was wondering what the hell was going on. Then, i hear my doctor say, "Mars, would you like to be admitted to a room too?" and a nurse say, "Sir, ok ka lang? medyo namumutla ho kayo..." haha! =) Mars was leaning on the wall behind him with his hair net over his face. He looked like he was about to pass out... but in his defense, he says the smell of the blood was just making him feel a bit queesy. (uh-huh, i'm sure). Also, it was so hilarious--- he had to wear sterile sheets or whatever those blue things were. He was given a gown, a hair net (even though Mars has no hair), and a pair for over his shoes... but the biggest size wouldn't fit him and he had to wear hair nets over his shoes. He looked ridiculous... but i'm one to talk in a freakin' puke pink gown, on stirrups with my legs spread wide open, and my business on display for the world to see.

I felt a contraction coming and everybody started to get ready... i was to push like there was no tomorrow. This was my 3rd attempt, and still, nothing. I noticed that my hand started to feel sore. Mars had been squeezing my hand so tight, it felt like it was receiving no blood circulation at all whatsoever. I had to tell him because he just didn't seem like he was aware of it, "MArs, you're hurting me!" I would think he was more nervous and scared than i was...

On our 4th and 5th attempt, i pushed our baby out and Dylan was finally born. 15 minutes in the delivery room and we were done. All i heard was our doctor say, "there you go." I was stunned. I expected to be stuck in that room for an hour and that the pushing would be the most difficult thing i would ever have to do my whole life. It was anything but painful and far from being tough. Because of the shock of finishing so fast, i didn't really get caught up in the moment as much as i would have liked. I felt relieved though... relieved, excited, happy, fulfilled, tired, and content.

The first thing i heard from Dylan was a cough. The tiniest cough i have ever heard followed by a little cry. The nurses cleaned him up and finally brought him over. It is a moment i will never forget... he looked at me with his big, beautiful brown eyes, that stare, mouth open. He was beautiful and i instantly fell in love.

We didn't take any pictures... the camera was up in our room and it didn't have any batteries either. That moment is all mine.

Dylan Matthew was born. I'm somebody's Mommy... and i was happy. =)

Afterwards, they took him away for all the tests and i was being stitched up. My legs were numb and i couldn't feel anything on my lower body. I remember the song "Dirty Dancing" by the Black Eyed Peas was stuck in my head. So while i was being stitched up, i was dancing in my head, "baila, bailalalalalalalala lala baila" haha! =) whuttadork.
I also thought to myself, "damn, if he waited 4 more minutes, he would've been born at 4:20" haha! la lang. Mars was concerned that Dylan had such big ears he may never wear a cap... takes after his dad. ha!

Turns out, he had double recoil... if that's even what it's called. He had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice over. Good thing nothing went wrong and there were no signs of fetal distress. But that was all over now, and i didn't have to worry about any of it anymore.

They wanted me to stay in the delivery room a bit longer... maybe just rest, relax, or take a nap. But i was so excited and i was thinking so much, i didn't feel like knocking out. They also wanted me to make use of the room since i was paying for the first 4 hours... *tsk tsk tsk* and i was only in there for half an hour. Dumb package.

As i was being wheeled off to my room i was greeted by my mom, Aix, Gio, Javy, Mars' mom, and Tina. Oh yeah, and MArs, of course. We got to the room and it was just yapping away time. Told them how things went and of course they all talked about the baby. We had dinner, watched TV, talked some more, and by 9:30pm, they all had to go home and i was gonna get some rest... finally.

So there you go... i was awake for 37 hours, in labor for about 11 hours, in pain for about 3 hours, and i was done with being pregnant for almost 10 whole months. *siGh*

The next day, i was greeted by my dad who came to see me first thing in the morning. =) i had been in bed for 18 whole hours after giving birth and as soon as they took that catheter outa me (gross), they advised me to walk around for exercise and to go see my baby. My biggest problem after giving birth--- going to the bathroom. Gotta say... it was no fun. Goin to the "comfort room"... not very comforting.

So i was up and about 18 hours after the delivery (28 hours without looking at myself in the mirror)... i felt ever so light. =) key word: felt. I was so sure that i had lost weight and that my tummy had atleast reduced its size to atleast HaLF. But nooOoOOoOOo... i was about 179 pounds and i still looked like i was atleast 7 months pregnant. The feeling was decieiving and that mirror wasn't lying.

We headed to the huggery and i got to see my baby. *yAy* I wasn't able to pick him up though. He had a bit of trouble coz he swallowed some of his doo doo. The poor thing was hooked to an IV, had oxygen tubes on his nose, and sticky things attached to him hooked onto monitors. It was the saddest sight... and for a mother to see that... it was heartbreaking.



He got a lot better though... and 4 days later, we brought him home. =) It was nice spending the first 4 days in the hospital. It was quite comfortable and it wasn't like other normal hospitals anyway. I got some rest, Dylan got the treatment he needed, and we all headed home happy as can be. =) *hihi*

Thus, motherhood began. I didn't sleep very well for the first 5 months... but we're doing great now. =) I can't imagine what my life would be like without him. I look at him everyday and remind myself how lucky i am to be blessed with such a great baby. =) I'm crazy in love with him and nothing makes me happier than to see him smile at me every morning. =) It's the greatest way to start a day.

He's making wonderful progress and i'm just so proud of him. He's growing up so well and we're all very happy. =)

That's that & our lives go on...

***If you got this far and actually finished reading this entire story, i applaud you and thank you in your interest in the so-called events that happen in my life. It took me 4 days to finish writing this.





Monday, October 18, 2004

homeward bound

Tonight, Dylan and myself are heading home... i am the happiest girl in the world. Ever since the decision was finalized that Dylan and i would spend most of our week at my house, i instantly became happy. My spirit lifted and the cloud of gloom simply floated away. Everything just started to look way better already. *yAy*

Finally, i had enough courage to step up, put my foot down, and say, "hey, i'm not happy and i'm gonna do something about it". Okay, well it wasn't that easy... a huge part of me didn't want to take Dylan away from his dad and i didn't wanna be the bad person, the one who decided to "break up the family". But things were heading towards the wrong direction, it was starting to look really ugly, i was becoming more and more unhappy & stressed, and something simply had to be done. So there, i did it. I got us out of that horrible situation and hopefully things will be smooth sailing (if not, atleast easier and happier) from now on. =)

It just wasn't working for us... it just didn't. I gave it almost 6 months. Dylan's well-being is my priority and nothing will stop me from making sure that everything we do is for his best interest. I've had enough and it was just time for us to move on to something better. I'm not willing to walk that extra mile just to make him happy... not if the cost is Dylan's well being. Hell no. I'm not gonna risk it. I was done making everything more convenient for him... especially since i'm the one doing 95% of the work (all by myself). He didn't take on the role as "father"... he was just being the provider. Dylan doesn't need all the toys that he's not gonna pay attention to or remember anyway.... he needs a dad. Someone he can look up to. Someone for him to count on, someone to love, someone to connect with, and someone who will always be there for him regardless any situation. I don't know why everything has to revolve around money. I've said this before, and i'm saying it again--- you can always make your millions later, money will always be around.... but watching your child grow up and raising him right is something you can never get back to... something you can never make up for. I guess i was expecting too much... i set myself up for disappointment. Maybe things will get better. I'm hoping it will.

Don't get me wrong, though. He's a great boyfriend... he treats me like a queen and takes care of me. He is the nicest, sweetest person and i say this as a fact--- nobody has ever treated me better. But i don't need him to be my boyfriend anymore... i need him to become the father he's supposed to be.

So what we're gonna do is--- my house on weekdays and the other house on weekends (and holidays where Mars doesn't have to go to work). The whole point is for Mars to spend time with Dylan. I mean, the only time he ever gets to spend with us is on the weekends anyway... so why do we have to put up with the rest of the week all by our lonesome, bored and unhappy? right? problem solved.

I'm ever so grateful that Mars was very supportive and understanding about the whole decision. I know this is hard for him. The fact that he didn't even argue with my idea means a whole lot to me and i really appreciate it. I know because of this everything will get better... not just with me and Dylan, but our relationship as a whole as well.

*pHeW* thank god that's done and over with. I'm happy with my decision and i look forward to our days ahead. =)

Friday, October 08, 2004

family ties

Dylan and i are staying over at my house with my family over the weekend... i've only been here one night and already i realize just how much i miss being at home. It's so refreshing. We may not be living a luxurious lifestyle... but being with my family makes me feel like i have everything i'll ever need.

I come from a very tight-knit family. We're all very close and very family oriented. I value the relationship we have and i absolutely love the way we are together. I want Dylan to grow up with something like it because i know just how important it is to me.

Living in QC is just something very different. I don't sense the feeling of togetherness. Aside from the noise our dog, Scratch, makes... the house is always very quiet, empty, and lonely. Dylan and i spend the hours of our day together in the confined perimeter of "our" room. We are accompanied by MTV, National Geographic, The Discovery Channel, sometimes Sesame Street, & The Disney Channel. Dylan watches me eat lunch by myself in the dining room. The familiar voices he hears are those of Oprah, Jay Leno, & Conan O'Brien.

This isn't what i want for him... i don't want him growing up thinking that that's what "family" is all about. I don't want him to get used to it being that way and have him think that it's okay. I want him to know and love the people around him and value the sense of being a family. I want him to feel the love i had as i was growing up. I want him to grow up with the noise and the chaos.

*sigh* i just want us to go home...

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

blast from the past

About a week ago, i signed up for My Space. Everybody's been asking me to do it because apparently it's a lot better than just plain old e-mail. So i did it as an attempt to keep in touch with friends & keep myself updated on what people have been doing lately. In the process of adding friends on my list and viewing other people's profiles, i ran into a grip of people i haven't seen in years. Some were old friends and others were the type i'd rather not remember. Nevertheless, the flood gates of memory lane burst open and stirred up my emotions pretty good.

It got me thinking of what my life was like years back... i began to remember what kind of a life i had, the people i hung out with, everything i used to do... and how i felt back in the day. It all started coming back... and i didn't quite know how to handle it. I missed it all, and at the same time, i was glad it was all over. I wasn't so sure if i wanted to click on certain people to "add as a friend" because i wasn't sure if i really wanted to know how they were doing and i also didn't know if i wanted these people back in my life. I mean, really... i let them slip out of my life for a reason and lost touch with them to begin with. Others, i was kinda glad i found... but there were more of the ones i didn't wanna get in touch.

Because of this, i realized that i'm the type of person who can hold a grudge. I'm the type of person who cannot forgive and forget. Am i evil because of that? Is that just wrong?

It's possible that these people have changed... it's also possible that they've grown up and perhaps have become better people. If you had trouble with someone when you were 15 years old, do you simply let that go because now you're "all grown up"? Will they look at you the same way you look at them?

It's so crazy... because ever since i started thinking about this... i've been hearing "old songs", i've been seeing so many things that remind me of the past, and i've even seen a few people! It's almost like life was trying to rub it into my face.

Lately, i've been thinking a lot about my past. Yeah, a lot of it was great, and i had a really good time. I'm a very semntimental person and i reminisce a lot. But i think it's really time for me to let that all go. I'm starting something new and i'm doing so with a very clean slate.

Ah... well, there you go. Just something i thought about and wanted to write down. It's amazing how getting in touch with a lot from my past affected me so much. *bLaH*










Friday, October 01, 2004

how old is grandpa?

***just a little something i read and thought it was quite interesting and funny at the same time. So much has changed in such a short amount of time... *sigh*
i wonder... could mankind be the cause of our own destruction?


***
One evening, a grandson was talking to his grandfather about currentevents. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.The Grandpa replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.

There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.
Your Grandmother and I got married first and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"- - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen andevery man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains outlistening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a street car, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad because, gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.

And how old do you think grandpa is?

........Grandpa is 58 (born 1946)
***