i'm only human
I'm not Superwoman (in that "sense" of being "super"). I'm not Mother Teresa, either. I'm not an eternal optimist and i don't have the answer to everybody's problems. I don't have a never-ending-flowing-river of strength that i magically conjure up from within whenever i please. I don't have all the time in the world nor can i stop it either. My emotions do get the better of me at times... I break down too... i have my moments of confusion... and a lot of the time, life gets so tough, i do feel like giving up. I have my share of making dumb decisions and retarded choices. I make my mistakes.
hey, i'm only human.
It's been a few weeks since i last published anything. Not that i haven't written anything... just not anything worth sharing for the world to see. I was under the impression that if it wasn't anything motivating, inspirational, or productive that it wasn't worth posting up. I'm not one to bitch about certain aspects of my life... so i didn't do it.
To be honest, the past few weeks of my life have been one chaotic whirlpool. To put it bluntly--- it was a mess. Straight up confusion and drama. I met my alter ego and decided to stick with this person. I became the newest rebel of the world. I lost me.
I’ve written a fair bit in the past few weeks. Articles I wouldn’t dare publish. For a while I had even forgotten that I had written anything… and when I discovered them just sitting there, waiting to be read… I was shocked at what I had found. I didn’t realize I was so caught up in depression. All the aggression, the anxiety, the front, the repression, the rage just decided to creep up behind me and when least expected, turned me around and kicked me in the face. Just when i thought i was all good. I didn’t see it coming…
I really did lose me…
I was consumed by the chaos building up inside me. I ran away from my sadness with high hopes that everything will just magically work out on its own. I abandoned the reality of my life. I wanted to stop time and conjure up a life where everything was good... and even though i new it would all eventually end... i tried my best to make now last for as long as i could.
I sought refuge in a place that allowed me to be myself and fully accepted me for everything that i was. Within these walls, i felt like i was invincible. This box was my sanctuary. Once again, i felt like my life was something remotely close to what i would consider "normal". For a while, i actually took a step back, looked at how everything was and thought to myself, "this is what life is supposed to be like".
I guess as real as it was for those moments, and as happy as it made me... it was actually just an artificial high. Sooner or later i would have to snap out of it and sober up. It was time for me to recognize the side effects of being trapped in Never-Never-Land.
I have my reasons for doing what i did. I don't have the need to explain myself... because honestly, i just don't care anymore. Other people can judge me and make assumptions all on their own... but it doesn't mean they completely know what's going on within me. It doesn't mean they understand. But I do.
I'm not inconsiderate. Don't judge me. I'm not stupid nor crazy. Don't pitty me. I'm a rational person, a woman of reason. I realize i have to take responsibility for my actions. Different people handle certain situations in their own way... so please, let me be. I don't want to rush things. Slowly but surely, i'm getting better. I'll get there in due time. I don't want to hide things and brush off certain issues anymore... i'm sick and tired of putting up a front. I'll be the first to tell you--- it only makes things worse. It doesn't work that way for me. I'm not gonna wake up one morning and decide that i'll be fabulous that day. That's just not how it works. I have to understand what's going on and fully accept my situation first before anything else. I know what i'm doing. It might not look it... but have a little bit more faith in me.
I've stumbled many times in my journey throughout this life. I've always managed to pick myself up. Sometimes i get up faster than expected, others, i tend to dwell upon just a little bit longer. Recently, i felt the strength within me diminish swiflty. It was definitely one of my darkest hours... but i'm not weak spirited. I don't quit either. My emotions tend to get the better of me at times... but it's nothing that can't be fixed.
We all fall... every single one of us. I've never had to deal with anything like this before... it should be no surprise that i find it so damn difficult. I'm only human. All i'm asking for is some understanding... and a little bit of time.
Let me be.
hey, i'm only human.
It's been a few weeks since i last published anything. Not that i haven't written anything... just not anything worth sharing for the world to see. I was under the impression that if it wasn't anything motivating, inspirational, or productive that it wasn't worth posting up. I'm not one to bitch about certain aspects of my life... so i didn't do it.
To be honest, the past few weeks of my life have been one chaotic whirlpool. To put it bluntly--- it was a mess. Straight up confusion and drama. I met my alter ego and decided to stick with this person. I became the newest rebel of the world. I lost me.
I’ve written a fair bit in the past few weeks. Articles I wouldn’t dare publish. For a while I had even forgotten that I had written anything… and when I discovered them just sitting there, waiting to be read… I was shocked at what I had found. I didn’t realize I was so caught up in depression. All the aggression, the anxiety, the front, the repression, the rage just decided to creep up behind me and when least expected, turned me around and kicked me in the face. Just when i thought i was all good. I didn’t see it coming…
I really did lose me…
I was consumed by the chaos building up inside me. I ran away from my sadness with high hopes that everything will just magically work out on its own. I abandoned the reality of my life. I wanted to stop time and conjure up a life where everything was good... and even though i new it would all eventually end... i tried my best to make now last for as long as i could.
I sought refuge in a place that allowed me to be myself and fully accepted me for everything that i was. Within these walls, i felt like i was invincible. This box was my sanctuary. Once again, i felt like my life was something remotely close to what i would consider "normal". For a while, i actually took a step back, looked at how everything was and thought to myself, "this is what life is supposed to be like".
I guess as real as it was for those moments, and as happy as it made me... it was actually just an artificial high. Sooner or later i would have to snap out of it and sober up. It was time for me to recognize the side effects of being trapped in Never-Never-Land.
I have my reasons for doing what i did. I don't have the need to explain myself... because honestly, i just don't care anymore. Other people can judge me and make assumptions all on their own... but it doesn't mean they completely know what's going on within me. It doesn't mean they understand. But I do.
I'm not inconsiderate. Don't judge me. I'm not stupid nor crazy. Don't pitty me. I'm a rational person, a woman of reason. I realize i have to take responsibility for my actions. Different people handle certain situations in their own way... so please, let me be. I don't want to rush things. Slowly but surely, i'm getting better. I'll get there in due time. I don't want to hide things and brush off certain issues anymore... i'm sick and tired of putting up a front. I'll be the first to tell you--- it only makes things worse. It doesn't work that way for me. I'm not gonna wake up one morning and decide that i'll be fabulous that day. That's just not how it works. I have to understand what's going on and fully accept my situation first before anything else. I know what i'm doing. It might not look it... but have a little bit more faith in me.
I've stumbled many times in my journey throughout this life. I've always managed to pick myself up. Sometimes i get up faster than expected, others, i tend to dwell upon just a little bit longer. Recently, i felt the strength within me diminish swiflty. It was definitely one of my darkest hours... but i'm not weak spirited. I don't quit either. My emotions tend to get the better of me at times... but it's nothing that can't be fixed.
We all fall... every single one of us. I've never had to deal with anything like this before... it should be no surprise that i find it so damn difficult. I'm only human. All i'm asking for is some understanding... and a little bit of time.
Let me be.
