bragging rights

i am crazy in love with Dylan. To me, he is the most adorable creature to ever walk (or lie upon? drool on?) the face of the earth. What kind of mother wouldn't feel that way about their baby? =) Since nobody wants to hear me ramble on and on about my baby (coz they're all so sick of hearing it every day), i'll just write about it. After the cruel ordeal i had to endure (which is pregnancy, of course--- morning sickness, weight gain, severe swelling, aching joints, stretch marks, weak bladder, etc), the labor i had to go through (and they don't call it labor for nothing, believe me!), and finally pushing him out to see the world... i think i've earned bragging rights fair and square. =) so there.
 
***drugs are greeeaaat, first of all. =P My doctor was fabulous! and men... (i think) will never get it.  
 
I remember gazing into his eyes for the very first time... and it was like meeting a tiny stranger but not (if you know what i mean). It truly was love at first sight... and i can honestly say that now i know the true meaning of love. Not just love on its own, but pure, unconditional love. I would move mountains and swim shark infested waters for this boy if i had to.
 
He has the prettiest, big, brown, puppy dog eyes. The cutest, curly, brown hair. His cheeks are so pudgy! He's got folds on his arms and legs (and his arms are so short)! He has the tiniest, little hands with chubby, little fingers. The smallest little feet and he wiggles his toes all the time! they're like hands. He's adorable even when he cries. You can't ever get mad at him coz he's so darn irresistible. He's so cute, i just wanna squash him, & attack him with kisses (omigod, i'm turning into one of those mothers). 
 
But, really... wow. He just never ceases to enchant me. I still go *aaww* and *eeee* at everything that he does even though i've seen it a million times. No matter how cranky and how drained i am, it just takes one smile to turn my mood around, lift my spirit, and light up my day. It never fails... he greets me every single morning, when i pick him up, with the sweetest smile. I just melt.

He's almost 3 months old. He's flipped over from tummy to back. He smiles all the time (especially when he can recognize the face. That's how you can tell who the favorites are). He's just about starting to laugh. He loves taking a bath, hates taking his vitamins, he'll play on his own when he's in the mood, he loves being rocked to sleep, he'll *coo* when he's in a really good mood, he screams like a girl, farts like a man, shrieks when we don't understand him, & he loves loves luuuuuvs his mommy. *hihi*

He's doing so well... i'm like the "proud mother" just waiting for people to ask me how he's doing so i can blab away and give them a full report on his life story. But i'm not psycho and i know how people respond to that, so i keep myself calm and collected and keep the bragging to a minimum.
 
I'm loving motherhood. At the end of the day, i'm physically tired, but spiritually alive. He makes me happy... and that's enough for me. I'm gonna love watching him grow up. =)   

issues

there are so many things going on in my life right now, i don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure you can really tag this as complaining... but to make it clear, this is just venting. 
  
I've been thinking of what i could write about and i have just come to realize that aside from Dylan, everything i seem to think about just so happens to be negative. So not good.
 
My living situation. I don't even know where to begin with this one. When you live in a place where you can't be completely yourself, without a doubt, you're uncomfortable. No matter how much you fit in or how settled in you are, you're not completely comfortable if deep down inside you just can't really be yourself. This is how i feel. Sure, i was invited and they treat me like i'm part of the family... but it's just not the same. There's something about it that's not right and it just doesn't sit well with me. There are certain things i wanna do around the house that i can't... because it's not my place. It drives me up the walls. And i've been dealing with this for a while now...
 
My funds. I am just straight up not the dependent type. I hate asking for money and it kills me to have somebody else buy me the things i need for my normal every day life. Nowadays, i hate walking around the mall looking at things and finding something i like and knowing i can't buy it because i can't afford it... because i don't wanna ask for it. I'm just the type of person who likes being independent... and the best situation for me is where i don't have to depend on anybody else to take care of me. I wanna do great and be able to survive all on my own. I've done it before... and i sure as hell will do it again. That's on hold right now because i have a certain little somebody who constantly needs me... i just wish there was a way i could work around it. 
 
My friends. uh... yeah. *blah* This is a topic that really disappoints me. I know how stressful and how busy one's life can get... so in a way, there's room for understanding. But really... *blah*. Seriously, how difficult is it to pick up your phone and check up on a person once in a while... especially when you consider em to be one of your closest and "bestest" friends? I'm not even gonna start elaborating on how things played out in the past year. i get really agitated just thinking about it. So that's that... for now.

My family. I'm homesick. I miss them. I miss the noise, the company, & just simply being around them. I miss having breakfast with my mom and having talks with my dad. I miss being crazy, weird, & stupid all day, everyday with my sister. I actually miss seeing my brothers argue... because sometimes it's so pointless, it's funny. Most of all, i just miss having that "family atmosphere". You just get so used to everbody because you've been around them all your life... it's the "comfort zone". When all in the world seems to be going wrong, it's nice to know that you can seek refuge & find peace at home with your family. Sure, it's not always perfect... but hey, what is?
** i grew up with these people. I always had company... and a sudden switch to living in a box with nobody in the house all day is not so easy to deal with.
 
My significant other. I miss him too. I understand that he has to work, and that there are a million things that need to be done... but seriously. He's not just missing out, he's missing us.          

Me. It's been 3 months since i've given birth. When i was pregnant i gained almost 60 pounds. So far i've lost about 45 pounds... and sure, that's great... but not fitting into my old clothes just really annoys me. Call me "arte" or obssessed about my weight, or impatient, or whatever... but seriously, it just bugs me. I put on an old pair of pants and yea, it fits... but i look like suman in it! If you've never been pregnant or have never given birth, you don't have a say in this (because you don't understand). But i know all the new mommies out there feel me. 
 
Anyway, i think this is enough of me being a brat for today. For someone who's got so much to say, my brain just isn't up to speed.
 
i'll probably be back to my old self by tomorrow... if i'm lucky, maybe later this afternoon. This is "Thea who didn't get enough sleep last night so i'm cranky don't talk to me" signing out.

love at first sight

born on a Tuesday, May 4, 2004, at 4:16pm,
Asian Hospital & Medical Center.
6.2 pounds, 51 cm, wavy brown hair, & beautiful brown eyes.
It was love at first sight. =) 

 

DyLaN MattHew is almost 3 months old now... he's healthy, happy, & extremely loved. =)

He changed my life & i love him more than anything else in this world.  

buzz kill

nobody understands what being a new mom is like... unless you're a mom yourself. So if you've never given birth to a child, have never been pregnant for 9-10 months, have never experienced morning sickness, severe swelling, uncontrollable weight gain (not to mention the stretch marks), having a weak bladder, intense contractions, hours of labor, and the healing process postpartum, you have absolutely no right to say that being a mother is "over rated", that "you're over reacting", or when us moms tend to ramble on about how hard it is, that "it can't be that bad" or, you "understand"... because NO, you don't.

everybody's been asking me when that time will come when i give in to my old self and live life the way i used to. I don't think they understand that that'll NEVER happen again. That my priorities are completely different and my life has completely changed.

i used to be an idiot. I would go out every single night of the week (except Sundays, because i have values and thought that i would make Sunday "spending time with my family" day), drink (most of the time get drunk), smoke, and stay up til the wee hours of the morning, sleep all day, wake up and do it all over again. Back then, i thought it was fun. I'll take it easy on myself for a bit here and let you know that i was out a lot because i was working and i had to make money. Yes, i was paid to have fun. I never bought my own drinks, everywhere we went we could get in for free, the city was ours for the taking. I spent all that time with my bestest friends, dancing the night away, drinking til we were stupid & basically just having "fun".

now, i'm 21, responsible for the life of a beautiful baby boy... and they ask me, "so, when are you coming back out?"

is this really how it is?
new mom = buzz kill ?

when my friends ask me how i'm doing, i respond by saying "we're fine. we're doing really good." All of a sudden, i'm a WE. I can tell you everything that's happening in my son's life, a full report on his progress and what his life is like... but i can't seem to find the words to describe how I'M doing all on my own. So if you're not a mom, most likely you're not gonna take an interest in me blabbing about how my baby is doing and what life is like with a child. That's buzz kill #1... i can't hold a descent conversation anymore. I almost don't care about what's going on in the world unless it has something to do with babies.

Alcohol and Cigarettes. Won't touch the stuff. I hate the smell, i hate the taste. (it's just something being pregnant does to a former alcoholic/smoker). So if ya'll drink and constantly light up... you're not gonna wanna be around me. And that, is buzz kill #2. First of all, (how do i put this in a decent way?) i am producing milk (haha)... and smoking and drinking just doesn't quite make the cut of what i'm allowed to be exposed to. What i take, i pass on to my son, and i take this very seriously. So there...

Partying all night. Can't do it. I hardly get enough sleep as it is... and whatever time i spend away from my son, i'm thinking about him anyway. So seriously, what is the point? I'm either gonna nag about leaving early or bore you to death so you take me home early. Besides, the night life in MAnila isn't quite like what it used to be anyway... from what i heard, it's shit. So why waste my time and energy? yup, buzz kill #3.

Give me a few months... things will never be the way they used to be... NEVER. My life is NoThiNg like the way it was exactly a year ago. And it's not like it's something i can easily go back to. Things are different now. I'm different now. But i like this change. I stare at Dylan when he's asleep... and i fall in love with him all over again. He truly is something. He's precious and i wouldn't trade him for anything in this world.

getting to know this

i heard that this was supposed to be therapeutic... but before i start writing my innermost feelings, random ideas, and thoughts... i needa learn how to use this first. haha! i'm just not a computer or internet person... so this is actually a bit difficult for me. E-mail was as far as i would go.

How do i post pictures? i tried reading the instructions... but it was far too complicated for me... =/