the dawn of a new horizon

For the past 3 and a half years i have been content with the people i surrounded myself with. Lost with the illusion that we were everything we all needed, we all became really close, and thought that this was it. The crew for life. As the years passed, people would come and go. The Crew would go through different phases but the core would more or less remain the same. It's all different now though. I think it's over. People change.

In 2 months, my gurls will be moving back home, away from the Philippines. I don't remember the last time i was struck with this much sadness... almost as if i was mourning for a life. Even though a promise to keep in touch and the intension of staying tight is there, the relationship just isn't the same when you don't see them on a regular basis. That's just the way it is.

I don't care what anyone says, gurls need girl friends. We just do. Guys are cool and all... but they're not gonna understand exactly what you're going through when you tell them "it's that time of the month" and "i'm just PMSing". Guys won't know what to say when you need to talk about the kind of makeup you wanna buy. Guys won't tolerate the topic of how "men suck" and how "they just don't understand" and "guys just never get it". Sure, a rare few of the male gender can do all that... a very rare few... but they just don't compare to your gurls.

Having my gurls sure as hell helped me when i found out i was having a baby... =)
(but that's a whole other story...)

I've spent the majority of my life having guys as my best friends. I could just relate to them better. I was never the girly kind of girl... I never really had all the gurly things to talk about til later on anyway. I started wearing makeup when i was 18 (seriously!). Before that, all i ever needed in my pocket was money and my chapstick. I didn't even carry a bag.

I went through a whole year once without any friends. I'm not even kidding. All my friends were out of the country and all the people i knew were just close aquaintances. This was that time when i went out every single freakin' night (mostly coz i was working at a club) and the only person i could really kick it with was my boss. hahah! so sad. I would chill with all these different people at night, but come day time... there wasn't really anyone there for me to hang out with.

One day (around 4 years ago) i met this group of people. They were all dancers. We all clicked in an instant. We stuck together ever since and even expanded through the years. That's when my gurls and i all got together. There was the 4 of us. We all used to be the non-girly types. We all related to dudes better which is why we all had more guy friends than gurl friends. We had a whole bunce in common but we were all very different. We were a quite a quad. Eventually 4 turned into 3, 3 into 2... and come July... i will be the last one left over here... doomed to start all over again.

So yeah, the Crew. We were a proud bunch. Walked everywhere with our heads held high. We all knew that if anything ever went down, we always had each others' backs. Mess with one of us, it's ON. We were under the impression that we were everything we all needed. BEing together was like feeling at home. We never kicked it with other people unless someone would bring a friend around to chill with us. It was never really talked about, but somehow it was almost like an unspoken rule. Nobody ever complained... we were happy with the way things worked. We were the Crew. I just don't think any of us ever anticipated what the future had in store for us...

I want to say that til this day everyone is happy and things work out like rainbows and dandelions. I want to say that we're tighter than ever and that the friendships made here are those made to cherish for a lifetime and beyond. I want to say that we are everything we ever needed & that being together feels like home. However, i can't... because i'm just not so sure anymore.

All these years, i've ignored my relationships with other people. I've denied myself the pleasure of getting to know everyone else around me. Burned by the past, i chose to stick around with the easiest option that was set before me. I never really thought of how long all this was gonna last... for a moment there, i forgot that life goes on for quite a while (i'd like to think so, anyway). People do change and sometimes they happen to move out of the country too. DuH!!! I've been quite naive...

So my gurl is leaving. . . i have no gurls. I feel kinda lost just thinking about it.

The Crew will always be "the crew". It's just different now. They're used to the way things are. Their lifestyle is how they like things to be. Whether it be my cup of tea or not, they are my friends. Drama is inevitable and things happen to get a bit rough sometimes... but that's just the way it is wherever you are. I'm just not sure if i'm ready for what's coming up next. What ever happened to the days when we went all out just for fun? Things were just so much easier then...

I'm expanding my horizons by changing my game a bit. I say the hell with routine and be a little bit more spontaneous for a change. Changes need to be made within myself and around me... i need it. I have to start busting out my extroverted conversational skills again and find out what everybody out there is up to nowadays. I don't wanna limit myself again. I don't wanna miss out on whatever good may be out there.

I may just wipe my slate clean and start all over again...

Davao * September 2003 * OUr last gig together. I hella miss my gurls.

Enchanted Kingdom * December 2002 * The original Crew * We call this "the OnE LuV days". Back when everything was all about having fun. Life was easy and everything was smooth sailing...

crazy predictable & mad routine

There was a time when all i ever did was go out. Sure, it was routine... i did it day after day (even on Sundays), every week, for about a whole year (maybe even 2)... but it was never predictable. Never.

I've had my share of crazy, buckwild, & dumbass moments... i've experienced the insanity of being nocturnal and hardly ever sober. But what the hell is being a teenager all about if you can't experience any of that (or anything remotely close to it)... right? =) i just happened to start a lot earlier than your average teenager.

Maybe that's why at the age of 21... i think i may have passed my peak. I just can't get myself to go completely nuts anymore. I know i'm just being held back, but there's nothing (that i can think of at the moment) i can really do to change that. I'm over that phase. I'm really so over it. I think i've just been doing it for too long...

I went into hybernation for almost a full year and a half. The whole time i was living under a rock, i was under the impression that i was missing out on so much. I thought life was going on without me and i was missing out on all the fun. Finally, i start coming out again... only to the realization that not a thing has changed. It's almost like life was put on hold while i was away only to continue when i came back out. I don't think i really missed a thing (aside from Bora 2004, which i'm still kind of bitter about).

Life in the city is becoming monotonous... i'm getting bored. Clubbing everywhere you go is the same $#!+. The people, the freakin' music, the vibe... when did it stop being fun?

Everytime i go out, it's all too predictable and it's nothing but frustrating routine. Every single time. I know, i'm ranting... i'm practically whining... so why not just stay home, you ask? Because i need time away from the house and going out at night seems to be the only way i get to kick it with my friends.

4 years ago... we had something to do everyday. I'm not kidding. It was a vicious cycle that made up a weekly routine. The interesting part? It just wasn't predictable. Every night brought something new. There was always something interesting, something different going on. Another thing was that every time i went out, i'd meet someone new with a story to tell. Now, where did all that go?

I'm sure the way it is now is somewhat interesting to some people. I don't doubt for a minute that there are still people out there who still actually look forward to going out and have a blast every single time they do so. Hey, if it's new and they're having fun... good for them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I remember this one time, i ended up on a beach 12 hours away from Manila... in my clubbing clothes! =) We drove 12 hours across the Sierra Madre Mountain Range... from Porch (in Makati) to Baler (some beach faaaar away from here). The result of a dare. We left the city with nothing but the money in our pockets & the clothes on our back (but we did make one stop to someone's house to pick up a thing or two that we couldn't do without)at 6am. It was probably the most spontaneous thing i ever did my whole life. We even got stuck at some provincial town because the car broke down. I was sitting in the heat counting coins from a water container (someone's "i-just-quit-smoking-so-im-saving-my-change" type piggy bank) for a good 3 hours. We disappeared for 3 days... and we couldn't even tell anybody where we were at because the place where we went was so damn far we were out of range. So it was impossible to text or call anybody.

**I thought about it... and yeah, it was fun at the time... but for as long as you're living under your parents' roof, you tell them where you're gonna be and when you're expected to be back. Even though my parents didn't show it, i'm sure they were stricken with panic. I mean, foreal... i could've been kidnapped and killed for all they knew. I was M.I.A. for 3 whole days. Not cool.

So i'm considering going into hybernation again. Maybe i just need to give this whole clubbing thing a rest. Maybe eventually, i'll start to miss it again. It's not that i'm getting too old... i've just been doing this for too long. I just don't feel like it's for me anymore.

I noticed that clubbing nowadays isn't so much about having fun as it is about the "image". I say, "psh!".

crazy predictable & mad routine... clubbing is so overrated.

***so i tried to salvage whatever i could of what was erased from the so-called post i wrote yesterday. This was the best i could do. Out of frustration... i tried. But nothing beats an article written when you're in the zone... i just couldn't bring it back. *sigh*

!#$%^&*()_

i just wrote this really long entry that took a really long time to write... and it was actually a serious topic... and for some god-forsaken reason it just all got erased...

now aint that a bitch?

*yEheY*

CoNgRatuLatiOns to one of my bestest gurlfriends on the face of the planet, to her husband-to-be, and to their very own little princess coming in September. I love you GuRL. =)

***(i don't know if you've noticed... but i've been rambling on and on for the past few weeks about babies... nothing else but babies. haha! i can't help it. I'm sorry. I promise i'll write about something more interesting to the general public as soon as i feel like it. *hihi*)

***1. the happy couple 2.the little miracle ***

taken for granted...

nobody really stops to think about this...
it's a tough 24 hour job. it doesn't pay. extremely loooong hours. most of the time unappreciated. a lot of times misunderstood. usually taken for granted. but somebody has to do it... and it's done... all in the name of love.

My parents told me when i was younger that i would never quite understand what they're going through until i have children of my own. I thought they were just talking gibberish... i didn't believe them. Seriously, i thought, "How hard could it possibly be?" Now i know. You can't quite explain it... there are no words to justify just how it really is, and what it's really like to be a parent. But when it happens... the transformation is miraculous.

I know i gave my parents hell when i was younger... but i think i've made up for it... even just a little bit. ;-) hehe

Parents deserve a medal. Hell, they deserve everything they want in the world. I bow down to single parents... i don't know how they do it... but they truly are heroes of the world.

I know they can be weird sometimes. Yeah, they ask you to do stuff that you'd rather not do. Sure, they can be judgemental and pushy. They can be intolerable and mean... but they only do it because they love you. Your best interest is always in mind. I know so... and i don't doubt that for one bit.

Happy MotHeR's DaY...
go do something sweet for your mommy... God knows she deserves it.


my lola, me, dylan, and my mom... that's 4 generations. =)

time really does fLy...

HaPpY BiRthdaY DyLaN!!!
my seed, my inspiration, my motivation, my happiness, my relief, my joy, the #1 man & the love of my life... you truly are amazing. You never cease to inspire me. You make every day wonderful and life incredible. YOu're all that i live for... i love you. =)

It's been a year already. I can barely believe it. At this time last year, i was experiencing pain so severe & inconceivable to man. haha! i was yelling at people to look for the anesthesiologist who went missing. That was a year ago! And although i told myself that i would never forget that experience... i sit here now racking my brains to figure out how everthing played out and how it all felt that day... and to my surprise--- i can barely remember. Of course, it's really just the way it is. How else would women gather up enough courage to have more than one child? haha!

Finally, my life (slowly yet surely) has gotten back on track.

I danced (for an event) for the first time this past Saturday. It felt exactly like how it used to. It just sucked that the first event i had to perform at was barely packed... big fish can't throw hiphop parties... it just doesn't work. Either that, or the NBC tent is just jinxed when it comes to hiphop events. I just can't believe they tried to charge hiphop people 500 bucks each at the door. haha!

I've made an effort to keep in touch with friends and meet up every so often. I try to keep a life going separate from the one i know at home. Sure, i'm a mother, i have stuff to do at home and resposibilities to fullfill... but i need a life too.

I'm back to my original size... a few glitches here and there, but it's still okay. *hihi* Finally, i get to dress up again... the way i want to, with the clothes i want. It was haaaaaaaard trying to go out and feel great when i had to sqeeze myself into something i had to wear because i had no choice. I give mad props to ladies with bigger sizes and still manage to look good. It's not an easy task.

Dylan's officially a toddler... it's starting!!! haha! he's walking all over the place and it's cool... but it's tiring!!! i'm looking forward to seeing him run and at the same time, i'm not. haha! He's talkative and very mischievous... i gave birth to a wise guy. haha!

What the f*** is up with the weather, man? you think living in manila for 6 years, i'd get used to it... but damn! I think it gets worse every year. IT's sooooooooooo HOT! The weather is unbearable... i don't know what to do.

I've been going through some changes in the past few months... some bigger than others, some more serious than the last. It's never easy for me... and i have problem letting go of the past... but i know it has to be done. I have a lot of adjusting to do. It takes a lot more than trying to get used to it... i need the strength and the will power to keep up with what i've decided. I've made the decision... and i'm sticking to it.

I don't know why it's so hard to do the right thing.

well anyway... that's the way the cookie crumbles.
mommy loves you Dylan. =)
i may have forgotten a lot about the first time we met... but i'm never gonna forget the look on your face and those beautiful brown eyes. IT was love at first sight.