motherhood madness

***WARNING: the following post contain information about babies, motherhood, and pregnancy. If those topics do not interest you in any way whatsoever, turn away and read someone else's blog now.

Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. Most people fail to see that. As much as it is a blessing & it can be the best thing in the whole universe... it does have a downside. Most moms don't really wanna talk about the negative side of motherhood... sometimes it comes off as a "weakness" or they tend to be labelled as a "bad mother". Other moms also think that if they fail to do everything perfect or they feel even the slightest bit of negativity towards being a mom, they're considered to be a horrible parent. But really, it's all just normal.

It takes a lot to be a mom. It all starts with pregnancy. The second you hear the news, your whole life as you know it, completely changes. All of a sudden, you get hit on the head with the realization that you have been chosen to be responsible for the life of another human being for the rest of your life. Pregnancy is all about surrender... giving in to the way nature runs its course. It's a time to stop thinking about yourself and giving in to the person who will be living inside you for the next 9-10 months. Everything you do from that point on is for that little stranger who has taken over your body. Believe me, as little as that baby can be... it can really kick ass.

The whole preganancy ordeal is tough enough... and that's only the beginning. *sigh* Morning sickness, wieght gain, stretch marks, swelling, weak bladder, contractions, the emotional rollercoaster... the list could go on and on... until finally... the birth of your little angel.

This is where it really gets interesting... =P *hehe*

From the moment you gaze into your precious baby's eyes... life as you know it, is nothing like it used to be. You have gone through a complete transformation and nothing is the same. Some mothers, like myself, fall in love with their angel instantly... while for others, it could take some time. But nevertheless, loving your child is feeling the greatest joy in your entire life and loving to the highest degree you possibly could. It's the best thing anyone could ever imagine...

Without a doubt, there is nothing like the love of a mother to her child... but motherhood isn't always just rainbows and daisies. It can really take its toll on a person... and if it's not dealt with properly, it could get out of hand. It truly is the hardest job in the world.

I've been a mom for 4 months, 10 days. It's been great, i'll have you know... but it hasn't been easy. There are so many factors that contribute to the stress of being a mom... and imagine being a single mother. I give mad props to those single moms out there who work a 9-5 job 5 days a week, and still find time to play with their kids and take care of them, wash dishes, cook the food, clean the house, do the laundry, buy groceries and whatever else they need, maybe even find a little time to themselves, and stay sane. I bow down to them. They are true heroes.

I work hard, i try to do the best i can to raise my son. He is my #1 priority and nothing is more important to me than his well-being. Everything i do, i have him in mind. Love alone, doesn't raise a child... there's so much more to it. And raising a child with little, or close to no help at all, is very difficult.

The following "rantings" are what contributes to my stress, personally... maybe other moms out there can relate.

1. Being away from family. I'm going through a huge change in my life... and for the first time, i am not in the refuge of my home, and i don't have my family to fall back on. Sure, they support me and they visit and i see them every now and then... but it's just not the same when they're not around 24/7. This is what caused my "postpartum depression". I went through this whole depression phase for about a month because i felt so alone. It's gotten easier because i've probably gotten used to the whole situation... but i still miss them. I constantly wish that i was still living with my family. Honestly, i think it would make things about 90% easier...
2. Sleep deprivation. Before Dylan, i think i used to get around 10-12 hours of sleep every night. Yes, i was a bum. I slept whenever i pleased and got up whenever i felt like it or wanted to. i absolutely miss sleeping. I haven't slept in 4 months! no, i'm just kidding... but really, i haven't slept longer than 4 hours (straight) since Dylan was born. Sometimes, he'd give me a break and sleep for 4 hours, wake up only to eat, and then sleep for 4 more hours... that would be the only time i get 8 hours of sleep. But most days, i feel like a zombie going through my daily routine. There was this one week though, he slept 6 hours, woke up to eat, and slept 4 hours after... a total of 10 hours! =) i was so happy! And then he got his shots... and it never happened again. I'm so tired... i think i'm slowly getting used to it. However, now that i'm starting to do more things, it's surely starting to take its toll on me... i'm not so sure how i'm gonna do this... but i'll figure something out. I'm still not getting a yaya though... i just can't. I really don't want to. I'll struggle for as long as i can until i absolutely cannot do it anymore.
3. Frustration with losing weight. This whole losing weight thing is such a bitch. I gained about 60 pounds when i was pregnant... i was nearly 200 pounds. *yuck* haha! breastfeeding helped me shed about 45 pounds, and the 15 pounds left is all up to me. It's just so damn frustrating coz it's hard, for one. And secondly, it takes so frikin' long to get into shape. I know it's not the right way to think, but that's just really how i am. I know it's not gonna happen instantly... but i've been massive for far too long. I've made a lot of progress though in the past 2 weeks... and knowing that it works is good motivation for me to keep on going. When i fit into my old clothes, i'll let you know. ;-)
4. I never have anything to wear because nothing looks good on me. Again, it's a weight issue... but really, it's more of a clothes issue. I tell myself i won't buy anything in my size now because i'm not gonna be this way long enough anyway... i'd rather not spend on clothes i won't use for long. (haha! i'm in denial, i think).
5. Nobody's helping me. I feel like i'm in this alone... need i say more? well, aside from my mom and my sister who visit us 2-3 times a week, i pretty much do everything on my own. it's frustrating just trying to explain it.
6. I don't have time for myself and my whole world revolves around Dylan. I love being with him... but sometimes, i just wish i had something to do for me. I'm glad i'm going to the gym because i do use that time for myself... but other than that, nothing. I don't hang out with friends, i don't see anybody else aside from the people i live with... and i feel like i've been living under a rock.
7. I have no friends. I don't think the people i used to hang out with have an interest in babies, or people who happen to have them. Sucks, but that is the reality of it all. Just goes to show what kind of people i chose to be my "friends". I've gotten over it, and it doesn't affect me as much now like it used to... but still... it just would've been nice if i found a bunch of people who would "stick around". But really, that's the least of my concerns. I have the people who really matter in my life and that's all that really matters. (ok, so i don't really have "no friends". But a grip of them that i considered to be really good friends really weren't... and that sucks... but now, i know).
8. My energy is at an all time low. And it's really hard to multi-task when when you can hardly stay awake. *BLaH*

So there... that's really all i can think of right now. If i think of anything else, i'll just add it on.

Right now, i'm sort of struggling to get through my day. I haven't even written on my Blog for the longest time.

Yea, i'm tired... and sure, it's hard... i do complain every now and then, and yes, i get frustrated... but all i really need to do is look at Dylan, and at how far i've come. The innocence in his eyes & the happiness in his smile... the look on his face when he sees me... and i know all this is truly worth it.