what am i doing?

It just occurred to me... that my blog is lame.
I don't even know if I would read it...
ok... i'm just being cranky and bratty.

I've been looking at other people's blogs lately. Mainly because i can't think of anything to write about and also because i've had nothing to do and wanted to see if there was anything interesting that i could find out there. Apparently, there are plenty.

There are so many people out there with so much to say. Some are outspoken while others are just laid back. Some are funny while others are depressed or angry. Some talk about nonsense and are just plain weird while others tackle serious issues. It seems like everyone wants to put their ideas and thoughts into writing... others do it mainly for themselves while others want to be heard. We have officially entered the era of the Blog Phenomenon.

While reading a few entries from other people's pages, i realized that i wasn't just reading a plain old post. I was actually being given a tour of what was going on inside these people's heads. What got to me [with the few entries that i read] was that they were downright, straigh up honest, no matter how outspoken or offensive they were to whoever or whatever. And i found it to be really cool. It made me realize that the reason why i never have anything to write about is because i refuse to be completely honest with what i want to be published on this blog.

For most of my life i've been a "people pleaser" type of person. Not necessaraily a straight up doormat, but i'm one of those people who would rather not get involved in crazy drama and get into shit with other people. I used to cringe at the thought that someone disliked me or even worse, hated me. I tried my best to be a "good person" so that nobody had any excuse whatsoever to talk shit about me behind my back. I learned the hard way and realized that good guys really do finish last. I used to have so much faith in people. I believed that everybody had a good side no matter what. "Everybody has a story to tell" or "Everyone you meet is fighting their own battle" and blah blah blah is what i used to say. I moved to Manila 5 years ago from Baguio. I gotta tell you... Manila broke me and i lost faith in people. Compared to the environment i was raised in and the life i had up there in the little city in the mountains, Manila was harsh.

My point being, i've stopped being a people pleaser, however there is still a part of me that can't help but make other people's lives a little bit easier which makes mine just a tad bit more complicated.
And directly to the real point--- i should stop being afraid of what other people will think of what i think. (did i get that right?) I know there are people who read this blog (but for some reason never leave comments), even people i know. I try not to write anything way too controversial that it might just blow up in my face. I try not to offend anybody or "talk shit" about someone and then later on be accused of being a bitch that stabs people in the back. I just don't wanna be mean.

But because of this, it limits my topics and i can't fully express myself therefore these issues get bottled up inside and then i don't know what to do. *pant pant pant*
So i'm thinking... i should really just write what i wanna write and say what the hell i really wanna say. Harsh critics? fuck it. There will always be someone out there who's gonna disagree with something i have to say regardless whether i was being serious or it was just a mere statement. I can't help that. If people start buggin' then i will let them bug.

If i could write on here everyday, i would. But that's just not possible with the schedule i keep and the lifestyle i live. I will, however, try to put a little something in as much as i possibly can... and this time, i'm gonna be completely honest. This isn't for readers out there to take pleasure upon and turn into entertainment. This is really more for me... hey, it's supposed to be therapeutic.

so here goes nothing...