my time to reflect
The end of the year is drawing nearer.
Usually, at this time, i sum up everything this year has brought me.
I consider the past year to be the biggest, most important year of my life thus far. It is a clear beginning of a new chapter and it has changed my life drastically. I remember when i was pregnant, the days used to drag on. I would count days and minutes and feel like time has just stopped and my due date would never arrive. Then, finally, Dylan enters my life, motherhood begins, and the next thing i know... he's 7 months old, standing, crawling all over the place, and trying to communicate like he's no longer a baby, but already a little boy. Where did the year go?
As the newest chapter of my life unfolds, i can't help but think about my past. It seems like the more i think about my future, the more i begin to reminisce about my past. In a way, i have prepared myself for the life that i have brought upon myself. I have physched myself up, telling myself that i'm ready for it, and all i can really do is move on, look forward, and take on whatever comes along. But at the same time, i can't help but look back. I've been looking back constantly in the past few months... and in a way, i think i'm mourning for the life i have left behind.
The last time i remember having to do this and feeling this way was the day i left Baguio. I may seem like a "Manila gurl" and sometimes people even think that i'm from the States or somewhere definitely not from here... and i correct them... I'm really from Baguio. A little city up in the mountains. I hated Manila when i moved here... and i've made my feelings about it very clear. Then again, you stay here a couple of years and after a while the city kinda grows on you and you realize that it's really not so bad. You make new friends, you experience new things, and after a while, the city i hated so much became my home.
I've definitely been through a lot. Manila has been so great... but really, i consider my life in Baguio, the last 2 years up there, to be the best years of my life. Something i will truly never forget, something i cherish, and it's what i constantly look back on. The friends i made, the shit i went through, truly remarkable, and i consider myself so lucky to have experienced it all. I really miss it.
It was hard to let it all go. Now, thinking that i have to do it again, it's heart wrenching. Saying goodbye to a life i was so comfortable with is hard to do... but i know i have to do it. I'm not saying that i'm leaving my old lifestyle for one that's worse, that's hardly it. My life now is great. I have a wonderful son who i love with all my heart and soul. It's the responsibility that i dread. I feel like my carefree days are over. I'm not allowed to goof around anymore, make mistakes, and be irresponsible... i have to take everything seriously and be a responsible parent... and i'm only 21. What scares me is the thought that runs through my mind, night and day, "Can i do this?"
There are so many scenarios of a life i could have had that run through my head and begin with the thought, "What if...". Then i think of all the shoulda-coulda-woulda's... but no matter how hard i think of a life i never really had, it's still not gonna happen.
I long to live a carefree life where i can be whisked away by my knight in shining armor, smoke our worries away, and have everything be just dandy.
But i'm gonna go home after writing this, and be brought back down to reality. I'm gonna do the groceries, walk home, walk through the door, climb our stairs and be greeted with a big smile, the smell of baby sweat and baby powder from my 7 month old son and realize... that i love what i have and i'm really okay with it. I just get paranoid sometimes...
Usually, at this time, i sum up everything this year has brought me.
I consider the past year to be the biggest, most important year of my life thus far. It is a clear beginning of a new chapter and it has changed my life drastically. I remember when i was pregnant, the days used to drag on. I would count days and minutes and feel like time has just stopped and my due date would never arrive. Then, finally, Dylan enters my life, motherhood begins, and the next thing i know... he's 7 months old, standing, crawling all over the place, and trying to communicate like he's no longer a baby, but already a little boy. Where did the year go?
As the newest chapter of my life unfolds, i can't help but think about my past. It seems like the more i think about my future, the more i begin to reminisce about my past. In a way, i have prepared myself for the life that i have brought upon myself. I have physched myself up, telling myself that i'm ready for it, and all i can really do is move on, look forward, and take on whatever comes along. But at the same time, i can't help but look back. I've been looking back constantly in the past few months... and in a way, i think i'm mourning for the life i have left behind.
The last time i remember having to do this and feeling this way was the day i left Baguio. I may seem like a "Manila gurl" and sometimes people even think that i'm from the States or somewhere definitely not from here... and i correct them... I'm really from Baguio. A little city up in the mountains. I hated Manila when i moved here... and i've made my feelings about it very clear. Then again, you stay here a couple of years and after a while the city kinda grows on you and you realize that it's really not so bad. You make new friends, you experience new things, and after a while, the city i hated so much became my home.
I've definitely been through a lot. Manila has been so great... but really, i consider my life in Baguio, the last 2 years up there, to be the best years of my life. Something i will truly never forget, something i cherish, and it's what i constantly look back on. The friends i made, the shit i went through, truly remarkable, and i consider myself so lucky to have experienced it all. I really miss it.
It was hard to let it all go. Now, thinking that i have to do it again, it's heart wrenching. Saying goodbye to a life i was so comfortable with is hard to do... but i know i have to do it. I'm not saying that i'm leaving my old lifestyle for one that's worse, that's hardly it. My life now is great. I have a wonderful son who i love with all my heart and soul. It's the responsibility that i dread. I feel like my carefree days are over. I'm not allowed to goof around anymore, make mistakes, and be irresponsible... i have to take everything seriously and be a responsible parent... and i'm only 21. What scares me is the thought that runs through my mind, night and day, "Can i do this?"
There are so many scenarios of a life i could have had that run through my head and begin with the thought, "What if...". Then i think of all the shoulda-coulda-woulda's... but no matter how hard i think of a life i never really had, it's still not gonna happen.
I long to live a carefree life where i can be whisked away by my knight in shining armor, smoke our worries away, and have everything be just dandy.
But i'm gonna go home after writing this, and be brought back down to reality. I'm gonna do the groceries, walk home, walk through the door, climb our stairs and be greeted with a big smile, the smell of baby sweat and baby powder from my 7 month old son and realize... that i love what i have and i'm really okay with it. I just get paranoid sometimes...
1 Comments:
At Friday, December 3, 2004 at 10:12:00 PM GMT+8,
Erica Paredes said…
you gotta have more faith in yourself :) and that God wouldn't give us anything that we can't handle...we've come this far right? and I knw there will be worst times, but there will also be way more GREAT times so keep your head up :)
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