the time is now...

Grow up.

2 words. So much power. So much meaning.

I've been procrastinating for the longest time. Dreading the future. Dwelling on the past.
I'm not gonna lie... i'm scared shitless of what's to come.

There are arrows pointing towards a specific direction... signs clearly telling me which way to go... the time is now. Can't you tell? Grow up.

It's not just procrastination that's getting to me. It's obvious i'm also in denial. I can't seem to leave behind the only life i know. I've been doing this for so long. It's all i know. Growing up means change. Change means starting over. And starting over means i leave everything behind... and everything i know becomes just another story in my past. That's it. Just another story.

The future. The uncertainty scares me. The trials to come. The obstacles to tackle. The drama to endure. It's a natural part of life. Everybody goes through it... but i feel as though i've been through enough. Can't it be smooth sailing even for just a little while. That's all i'm asking for. Just a little while. I feel like i'm overloading on so many things and i can't find an outlet to just let it all go.

It's different when you, yourself, know it's time to move on and do better things with your life. It's different when you decide all on your own that you're gonna make that change. It's another thing to have it said right in front of your face. Grow up. It comes out somewhat harsh. But take it. Because it it's true.

I am put in a situation right now where i need to make adjustments and change a huge part of my lifestyle... if not just part of it--- the whole damn thing. It goes back to that whole "change of pace". I've been living on the fast lane. Slowly deteriorating... heading towards a direction that would lead me to a dead end.

I'm still procrastinating. I'm scared. What lies behind door #2? What do i have in store for me next?

As much as i would love to kick it with my friends and do crazy shit, go buckwild, and take each day as it comes with no plan at all whatsoever... I can't. I have my responsibilities and i can't just let it all go. I can't risk it. Not at this point in my life.

Procrastinating... yeah. Getting ready... yeah. Am i ready? not yet. But i will be. In due time. But i know... the time is now.

excuse me, pardon me

all my life i've been the tall, skinny girl. I would think i was considered to be average, normal... nothing out of the norm. I would get the occassional stare every now and then... but most of the time, i would think that people just pass me, walk on by, without even thinking twice about me. I liked it like that. Who wouldn't want to be normal?

all my life, i had taken a lot of things for granted.

yeah, i had a label growing up... i've always been the tall, skinny girl. I would say it has a lot to do with genetics (i'd say i'm doing okay)... but i've always been a very active person. I was always running around, playing, riding bikes, skating, etc. When i hit high school, i lived for sports. After school, dancing became my life. Never in my life did i ever think... not once... that there was a possibility that i wouldn't be so athletic, so active... that i wouldn't be so normal.

i got my very first dose of "out-of-the-norm" experience when i was pregnant. I gained 70 pounds... yeah, i was a walking house weighing in at 190 pounds. At 5.8" you wouldn't think that would be so bad... but i could barely carry myself around. I was massive. I know, i know... i had an excuse coz i was pregnant... but that's not my point. For months, i had experienced what it was like to be over weight. The depression of not fitting into my clothes hit me, the insecurity of why people would stare while i was eating, or the fact that i was invisble when i was walking around... just the mere fact that i felt completely unattractive. It was not fun...
While lining up at Mercury Drug (who has the worst system ever!), i was neglected and ignored. All i wanted to do was buy my meds, just like everyone else. But the people behind the counter would prioritize other people even if they got there AFTER me. That's never happened to me before! It didn't feel too great.
When i was in a crowded elevator, i would get looks as if they were saying, "why'd i have to be in the elevator with this girl? She's taking up too much space". It's mean... but it's true. Some people may find it funny... but really, it's just hurtful.
Somehow it seems like you're treated like less of a person if people don't find your appearance to be so appealing. It's not fair. But you know it's true. Good looking people use it to their advantage and the rest just get used to the way things work.

i'm now experiencing my 2nd dose... i'm a crippled girl hopping around using crutches. In other words... i'm disabled. The stares that i get are just unbelievable! people wondering, "what happened to her?". I walk by and in the corner of my eye i see heads turn towards my direction like a wave. One after the other. They stare at me as if i have vomit and blood continuously flowing from my ears!
Most of the time, i see people look at me and they look like they're thinking that i'm nothing more than an inconvenience. "Why did i have to walk behind her?". I'm sorry if i'm not an expert in the crutch-using department. I've never had to do this my whole entire life.
Some people are just too busy to think about others and be the slightest bit considerate... they serioulsy try to walk past me and hit my crutches in the process. Or when they see me coming (and i KNOW they see me!!!) and my path just so happens to cross with theirs... instead of letting me through, they'll speed up and try to beat me to it! So i'm there, hopping in mid-air, and i almost trip! It's not so easy to stop yourself from swinging... especially when you already have a rhythm going... i may not be fast, but i'm trying my best to get the hell out of your way.
(i swear, they see me there, but somehow refuse to acknowledge my presence)
Excuse me, pardon me, I'M SORRY.

This is what it feels like to spend a day in someone else's shoes. All of a sudden, i'm not so average anymore. Things i never even thought of, just all of a sudden, become a part of my every-day life... and i really just have to deal with it.

Some people crave for attention (the kind of attention that is good) and they absolutely love it... others feel like they're most comfortable when they just blend in. I'm just looking to blend in again...

There are so many more obstacles to tackle out there. You figure out that the life you once had wasn't as complicated as you made it seem. You realize that there are people out there fighting a harder battle. There are people out there who live lives almost like yours... but one simple thing, a twist... makes it that much harder to cope. Do you follow? It's like a mother raising a child... it seems to be the same for everyone else... but one simple difference can make that one's life more complicated. What if the child was mentally ill? Physically disabled? or the family was seriously poverty stricken?

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. That's just always how it goes.

But we're all human beings... try and treat each other with more repect. Have a little bit more compassion, be just a bit more considerate. I guarantee it'll make life so much easier.

my 5am wake up call

be careful with what you wish for...
...you just might get it.

i wanted a change of pace right? i sure as hell got it...
we were already talking about it. Just the week before all that shit went down. Clubbing just didn't hit the spot anymore. I didn't wanna do it anymore. I was changing my game. I was setting my priorities straight. I was just starting to get my life back on track again. Why this? Why NOW?

i sure as hell broke routine though. Nothing about that night was predictable. It was definitely a change of pace... definitely.

i've been thinking a lot lately. That's pretty much all i've been able to do, really. I've covered all the bases. I've thought of all the coulda shoulda woulda's. I've thought of every possible scenario of how things could've played out differently that night. I've thought of it all. I'm telling you... i've thought of it all. But at the end of the day... what's done is done. I'm at where i'm at. It's all about perspective, really... i can choose to linger in this shit hole called depression, or i can pick myself up, accept the situation for what it is and move on. I choose the latter part of that statement.

I'm not perfect. I'm not getting over this quick. I may seem like i'm handling it well... but i do it only because i HAVE to. It's the only choice i have. Dwelling in the negativity will only destroy me. I don't need that.

I'm getting rid of all the unwanted, unnecessary, and useless bullshit in my life once and for all. I'm not tolerating anything. I'm putting my foot down. I've had enough. We're doing things MY way.

i was once told that God would not throw anything my way if He knew i wouldn't be able to handle it... and a lot of the time, i believe it's true.

shit, things happen for a reason. I know there's a really good one behind all this... i'm sure of it. Regardless the situation, i'm coming out of this a stronger and better person. I just know it. I don't mean to sound cliche, but really... what else am i supposed to say? So shoot me (no pun intended) if i'm trying to be positive and high spirited.

i think this was life's way of speeding up my decisions. I stumbled upon a fork in the road... i knew where i was really heading, i knew where i was supposed to go... but i was taking my sweet time. I was hesitant to change, i didn't wanna leave behind the life that i've been leading for all these years... the only life i really know. I was seriously just scared. But i knew that the changes had to be made. I was gonna do it eventually... but i guess the plan laid out for me was different... i couldn't just change eventually... i had to change immediately.

This was my 5am wake up call... countless of realizations have been hitting me for the past week and a half. Life screaming in my face, "wake the hell up!". This is just another turning point in my life... another drastic change... another new beginning.

I'm really just taking everything one day at a time...

i wish it were all a dream...

i shit you not... evil was there that night.


i don't understand...
Fights broke out one after another. It was chaos. It didn't have to happen. Completely unnecessary. Useless.
I saw Maryann run towards a crowd. She didn't have anybody with her. I ran after her and when i finally caught up to her, i tugged on her arm and yanked her away. We ran towards the other direction... i just wanted to get out of there. We heard the first shot... we slowed down a bit and kind of looked around. Honestly, we thought it was a policeman firing a warning shot to stop the fighting. When we couldn't see anybody and saw everyone just sort of disperse from the scene, i grabbed Maryann's hand and started to run again. That's when shots went off like mad... one after the other. The next thing i knew, Mary fell to the ground, i stopped and turned around, & before i knew it, i was hit too. It all happened so fast. I took one step and fell. I dragged myself behind a car and saw Mark drag Maryann behind another car. The gunshots just continued. 12-13 rounds... it seemed like an eternity.

When we got to the hospital, it was complete and utter choas. Screaming and crying in every direction. People didn't know who was hit, who was missing, who was hurt. I was in panic mode because the moment i realized i was shot, it hit me that Maryann was shot too... i just didn't know where. Imagine the thoughts running through my head... the horror my imagination started to build up.

My mind was put to ease when i was wheeled into the Emergency Room and saw everyone there. I was assured that everything was gonna be okay... or so they thought.


Wrong place at the wrong time? ...
We don't know for sure... but was the shooter aiming for the people who got shot or was it a random spray of bullets into the crowd? Why was he so confident? You can't just fire a whole clip into a crowd of people in front of a hundred more people and just casually walk away. And how the hell do you manage to do all that in front of that many people and at the least, 8 police men, and still get away with it? That's fuckin' bullshit.

I was hit on the right upper thigh. I was shot at twice... one hit me, the other missed. HOw do i know? I CSI'd my shit and my bag tells me so. The bullet that hit me went through my bag and everything i had in there. If i took pictures of my stuff, you'd see it... but i don't have that with me at the moment. The bullet went through my bag, my cigarettes, my pad, my tampon (completely broken in half) , my cologne (armani, white. It's a CAN), and finally, my phone, before it lodged itself up my leg, hitting a bone and was put to a stop.

(If you're queasy, you might wanna skip this bit...)
Yeah, the bullet is still in my leg. Doctors think that if they remove the bullet, i could lose my entire right leg (feeling in it, anyway. In other words, i could be paralyzed). They say there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping the bullet in there... but if i develope a fever and my body rejects it, they're gonna have to risk it and take the bullet out. So far, i think everything is going well. The muscles in my body are pushing the bullet out... possibly away from whatever nerves it hit, so it might be safe to take it out after all. My entrance wound is about an inch and a half wide and disgustingly deep. Doctors also say that i'm extremely lucky that the bullet hit all my belongings including my phone because it somewhat softened the impact. Otherwise, it would've shattered my hip bone and i would never walk or dance another day in my life again.

As for now, i'm using crutches. I'm not gonna be walking for the next 4 months. I wanna be stubborn and hard headed and tell everyone i'll be dancing in 2 weeks... but these are just one of those things you can't rush... and you really just have to be patient. It's not fun.


in a rage
right after surgery i was wheeled into my room at makati med. My first visitors just happened to be the unwelcomed party. It was the other group responsible for the first fight.
These people casually walk into my room and stand there, in a bunch, to tell me, that "all is good. ok na tayo. peace na."
Excuse me?!?! all is freakin' good? I dont think so. I'm not holding grudges, and i'm not pointing fingers. I'll be honest with you and tell you, i'm sorry that all that shit went down and that i don't know who the fuck started shooting at all my friends... but i'm not gonna stand there and say to your face that all is fuckin' good. I have a bullet in my fuckin' leg and my best friend won't be walking for the next year and a half. One of our closest friends lost a brother, and we lost a friend. A good guy, who didn't deserve any of this bullshit, at that. So don't stand there to clear your conscience and feel good about your apology because i don't give a rat's ass about what you think. You guys may have thought that it was "the right thing to do"... but let me just say... it was SO not the right time to be making friends, buddy. SO NOT the right time.
Even worse, i had visitors everyday from that other group casually walking into my room to check up on me. People i've never seen before my whole life! WHY?!?! What the hell for? These are not the people i wanna have anything to do with and absolutely not the ones i want to see.

That's just my 2 cents... so whatever.


Corruption wins...
It's been a full week. They haven't caught the guy or even come remotely close to tracking him down. That's just bullshit. I'll tell you why. There were (at the least) 8 cops there... and not one of them did a thing when the shooting went down. A whole clip to empty is a long time... and no one did anything? The one cop who tried to draw his gun got shot in the arm. What was the excuse of the other cops? Oh yeah... they said they had a right to protect themselves. riiiiiiight.

i remember this one incident where this important guy was killed. The dude who killed him fled to the province, was on a port ready to head to Malaysia... and he was still caught within hours. Just hours. All they had to go on was a plate number... that was it.

The way i see it... if they wanted the guy caught, they would've had him by now. Way before now. But the thing is... this guy... he's supposedly "important". Government connections and the works. One of them kids who thinks they can get away with anything... even murder. The cops are going in circles... either they're just dumb, or they've been paid off. Who the hell knows. But damn... that's just wrong.

If i had even an ounce of patriotism in me before this whole incident... i have just been stripped of it all. Maybe it's the anger in me talking... but i really hate everything about this country. I hate the fact that you can get away with anything depending on the amount of money you have in your bank account or the people you know with enough clout. I hate the fact that power equals money and decisions aren't made because they're the right decisions... but because it's what was paid for. I hate the fact the justice does not prevail.

Everybody hopes for the best... but that's really as far as it goes. They just hope. Whatever happens doesn't really have anything to do with what we want... it's all up to what they want. Whoever the fuck "they" may be.


a million and one thoughts
I'm in a rage right now. If any emotion in particular is surging through my veins at this very moment, rage and anger would be at the very top of my list. Regret, a close second.

There were so many different possibilities on how that night could've played out. A million and one "shoulda coulda woulda's". Those are probably what i've been thinking about the most. I know it's no good, it doesn't help any, but i foreal just can't help it.

So many things go through my mind, it's hard to keep track of them all. A lot of the time, we try to find humor in our situation and joke around. But it only lasts for so long. We can't manage to think of anything else, really. Most of the time, i just find myself in a daze.

I'm definitely happy to be alive. The first sight of Dylan, i almost broke down. The thought of what my family would have gone through kills me.

5 years ago, i got into a car accident that almost killed me. I remember waking up the next morning and everything around me was just beautiful. Completely glorious. The thought that i was given a second chance at all this and that i lived to see another day was a feeling so amazing.
After Tuesday, i was in the hospital for 5 days. I didn't see the sun for 5 full days and i haven't been in a public area at all. The drive home was eerie. I didn't see pretty sunlight, lively people, and swaying trees. Everything was gloomy.

I realized that i'm just being bitter. A car accident is different. For one, it was my own fault. Secondly, it was an accident. But a shooting? This was done by someone. Who the hell gives someone the right to end sombody else's life? Who gives that person the right to do something so wrong, so evil, so final? He ended someone's life and changed ours. For that, i don't think i will ever find room in my heart to forgive him. But i sure as hell will try... because i don't want that burden on my shoulders for the rest of my life. Grudges are too tiring to keep and hating just takes too much of my energy out of me.

I can't interact with my own son. Talking to him and carrying him just isn't enough. Why now when he's such a roughneck?! i never thought i'd ever say that i actually miss doing all the chore-like things (feeding him, bathing him, changing, etc). They're not chores... that was how i bonded with him. Now, i'm helpless and useless... and i'm just his mother he sees lying in bed. It kills me.
I see Dylan look at me and wonder why i don't pick him up. He's wondering why i need those wooden crutches to go about the house. He's trying to figure out why i push him away when he comes anywhere near my right leg. It seriously kills me.
I'm there, but i still miss him...


taking it one day at a time...
Never in my life did i ever think that i was ever gonna get shot. Not even the possibility of being anywhere near a brawl that included guns and shots fired. Never. This is not the life i want. This is definitely one i pray Dylan will never have to live through. I don't want any of this. Then again, who does, right?

I find it odd that of all the people to hit, Maan and i were the ones shot. What are the odds that 2 best friends would take a bullet together? When i say, "we're in this together..." i really do mean it.

But no matter how much humor we try to put into all this, and how many jokes we throw at people about our situation... it's not as easy as we make it look. If you've seen us at the hospital, or kicked it with us at the emergency room... you'd know what i'm talking about. It's been a lot of help being surrounded by our friends and the people we love. The amount of love and support that came through for us has been amazing and it does make everything that much easier.

Despite everything, we're keeping our spirits up. A positive attitude goes a long way.

We're warriors.
Don't underestimate us.
Karma has a way of biting you in the ass when it knows you very well deserve it.

***caution: written out of pure rage and anger. May seem a bit harsh.

somebody wake me up...

i was gonna write about what happened last week. I already knew what i wanted to say... and then i get here... and my mind just happens to draw a blank. I've repeated the story countless of times... and every time i do, i just happen to relive that night i keep wishing was all a dream.

It didn't have to happen.