my 5am wake up call

be careful with what you wish for...
...you just might get it.

i wanted a change of pace right? i sure as hell got it...
we were already talking about it. Just the week before all that shit went down. Clubbing just didn't hit the spot anymore. I didn't wanna do it anymore. I was changing my game. I was setting my priorities straight. I was just starting to get my life back on track again. Why this? Why NOW?

i sure as hell broke routine though. Nothing about that night was predictable. It was definitely a change of pace... definitely.

i've been thinking a lot lately. That's pretty much all i've been able to do, really. I've covered all the bases. I've thought of all the coulda shoulda woulda's. I've thought of every possible scenario of how things could've played out differently that night. I've thought of it all. I'm telling you... i've thought of it all. But at the end of the day... what's done is done. I'm at where i'm at. It's all about perspective, really... i can choose to linger in this shit hole called depression, or i can pick myself up, accept the situation for what it is and move on. I choose the latter part of that statement.

I'm not perfect. I'm not getting over this quick. I may seem like i'm handling it well... but i do it only because i HAVE to. It's the only choice i have. Dwelling in the negativity will only destroy me. I don't need that.

I'm getting rid of all the unwanted, unnecessary, and useless bullshit in my life once and for all. I'm not tolerating anything. I'm putting my foot down. I've had enough. We're doing things MY way.

i was once told that God would not throw anything my way if He knew i wouldn't be able to handle it... and a lot of the time, i believe it's true.

shit, things happen for a reason. I know there's a really good one behind all this... i'm sure of it. Regardless the situation, i'm coming out of this a stronger and better person. I just know it. I don't mean to sound cliche, but really... what else am i supposed to say? So shoot me (no pun intended) if i'm trying to be positive and high spirited.

i think this was life's way of speeding up my decisions. I stumbled upon a fork in the road... i knew where i was really heading, i knew where i was supposed to go... but i was taking my sweet time. I was hesitant to change, i didn't wanna leave behind the life that i've been leading for all these years... the only life i really know. I was seriously just scared. But i knew that the changes had to be made. I was gonna do it eventually... but i guess the plan laid out for me was different... i couldn't just change eventually... i had to change immediately.

This was my 5am wake up call... countless of realizations have been hitting me for the past week and a half. Life screaming in my face, "wake the hell up!". This is just another turning point in my life... another drastic change... another new beginning.

I'm really just taking everything one day at a time...