i wish it were all a dream...

i shit you not... evil was there that night.


i don't understand...
Fights broke out one after another. It was chaos. It didn't have to happen. Completely unnecessary. Useless.
I saw Maryann run towards a crowd. She didn't have anybody with her. I ran after her and when i finally caught up to her, i tugged on her arm and yanked her away. We ran towards the other direction... i just wanted to get out of there. We heard the first shot... we slowed down a bit and kind of looked around. Honestly, we thought it was a policeman firing a warning shot to stop the fighting. When we couldn't see anybody and saw everyone just sort of disperse from the scene, i grabbed Maryann's hand and started to run again. That's when shots went off like mad... one after the other. The next thing i knew, Mary fell to the ground, i stopped and turned around, & before i knew it, i was hit too. It all happened so fast. I took one step and fell. I dragged myself behind a car and saw Mark drag Maryann behind another car. The gunshots just continued. 12-13 rounds... it seemed like an eternity.

When we got to the hospital, it was complete and utter choas. Screaming and crying in every direction. People didn't know who was hit, who was missing, who was hurt. I was in panic mode because the moment i realized i was shot, it hit me that Maryann was shot too... i just didn't know where. Imagine the thoughts running through my head... the horror my imagination started to build up.

My mind was put to ease when i was wheeled into the Emergency Room and saw everyone there. I was assured that everything was gonna be okay... or so they thought.


Wrong place at the wrong time? ...
We don't know for sure... but was the shooter aiming for the people who got shot or was it a random spray of bullets into the crowd? Why was he so confident? You can't just fire a whole clip into a crowd of people in front of a hundred more people and just casually walk away. And how the hell do you manage to do all that in front of that many people and at the least, 8 police men, and still get away with it? That's fuckin' bullshit.

I was hit on the right upper thigh. I was shot at twice... one hit me, the other missed. HOw do i know? I CSI'd my shit and my bag tells me so. The bullet that hit me went through my bag and everything i had in there. If i took pictures of my stuff, you'd see it... but i don't have that with me at the moment. The bullet went through my bag, my cigarettes, my pad, my tampon (completely broken in half) , my cologne (armani, white. It's a CAN), and finally, my phone, before it lodged itself up my leg, hitting a bone and was put to a stop.

(If you're queasy, you might wanna skip this bit...)
Yeah, the bullet is still in my leg. Doctors think that if they remove the bullet, i could lose my entire right leg (feeling in it, anyway. In other words, i could be paralyzed). They say there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping the bullet in there... but if i develope a fever and my body rejects it, they're gonna have to risk it and take the bullet out. So far, i think everything is going well. The muscles in my body are pushing the bullet out... possibly away from whatever nerves it hit, so it might be safe to take it out after all. My entrance wound is about an inch and a half wide and disgustingly deep. Doctors also say that i'm extremely lucky that the bullet hit all my belongings including my phone because it somewhat softened the impact. Otherwise, it would've shattered my hip bone and i would never walk or dance another day in my life again.

As for now, i'm using crutches. I'm not gonna be walking for the next 4 months. I wanna be stubborn and hard headed and tell everyone i'll be dancing in 2 weeks... but these are just one of those things you can't rush... and you really just have to be patient. It's not fun.


in a rage
right after surgery i was wheeled into my room at makati med. My first visitors just happened to be the unwelcomed party. It was the other group responsible for the first fight.
These people casually walk into my room and stand there, in a bunch, to tell me, that "all is good. ok na tayo. peace na."
Excuse me?!?! all is freakin' good? I dont think so. I'm not holding grudges, and i'm not pointing fingers. I'll be honest with you and tell you, i'm sorry that all that shit went down and that i don't know who the fuck started shooting at all my friends... but i'm not gonna stand there and say to your face that all is fuckin' good. I have a bullet in my fuckin' leg and my best friend won't be walking for the next year and a half. One of our closest friends lost a brother, and we lost a friend. A good guy, who didn't deserve any of this bullshit, at that. So don't stand there to clear your conscience and feel good about your apology because i don't give a rat's ass about what you think. You guys may have thought that it was "the right thing to do"... but let me just say... it was SO not the right time to be making friends, buddy. SO NOT the right time.
Even worse, i had visitors everyday from that other group casually walking into my room to check up on me. People i've never seen before my whole life! WHY?!?! What the hell for? These are not the people i wanna have anything to do with and absolutely not the ones i want to see.

That's just my 2 cents... so whatever.


Corruption wins...
It's been a full week. They haven't caught the guy or even come remotely close to tracking him down. That's just bullshit. I'll tell you why. There were (at the least) 8 cops there... and not one of them did a thing when the shooting went down. A whole clip to empty is a long time... and no one did anything? The one cop who tried to draw his gun got shot in the arm. What was the excuse of the other cops? Oh yeah... they said they had a right to protect themselves. riiiiiiight.

i remember this one incident where this important guy was killed. The dude who killed him fled to the province, was on a port ready to head to Malaysia... and he was still caught within hours. Just hours. All they had to go on was a plate number... that was it.

The way i see it... if they wanted the guy caught, they would've had him by now. Way before now. But the thing is... this guy... he's supposedly "important". Government connections and the works. One of them kids who thinks they can get away with anything... even murder. The cops are going in circles... either they're just dumb, or they've been paid off. Who the hell knows. But damn... that's just wrong.

If i had even an ounce of patriotism in me before this whole incident... i have just been stripped of it all. Maybe it's the anger in me talking... but i really hate everything about this country. I hate the fact that you can get away with anything depending on the amount of money you have in your bank account or the people you know with enough clout. I hate the fact that power equals money and decisions aren't made because they're the right decisions... but because it's what was paid for. I hate the fact the justice does not prevail.

Everybody hopes for the best... but that's really as far as it goes. They just hope. Whatever happens doesn't really have anything to do with what we want... it's all up to what they want. Whoever the fuck "they" may be.


a million and one thoughts
I'm in a rage right now. If any emotion in particular is surging through my veins at this very moment, rage and anger would be at the very top of my list. Regret, a close second.

There were so many different possibilities on how that night could've played out. A million and one "shoulda coulda woulda's". Those are probably what i've been thinking about the most. I know it's no good, it doesn't help any, but i foreal just can't help it.

So many things go through my mind, it's hard to keep track of them all. A lot of the time, we try to find humor in our situation and joke around. But it only lasts for so long. We can't manage to think of anything else, really. Most of the time, i just find myself in a daze.

I'm definitely happy to be alive. The first sight of Dylan, i almost broke down. The thought of what my family would have gone through kills me.

5 years ago, i got into a car accident that almost killed me. I remember waking up the next morning and everything around me was just beautiful. Completely glorious. The thought that i was given a second chance at all this and that i lived to see another day was a feeling so amazing.
After Tuesday, i was in the hospital for 5 days. I didn't see the sun for 5 full days and i haven't been in a public area at all. The drive home was eerie. I didn't see pretty sunlight, lively people, and swaying trees. Everything was gloomy.

I realized that i'm just being bitter. A car accident is different. For one, it was my own fault. Secondly, it was an accident. But a shooting? This was done by someone. Who the hell gives someone the right to end sombody else's life? Who gives that person the right to do something so wrong, so evil, so final? He ended someone's life and changed ours. For that, i don't think i will ever find room in my heart to forgive him. But i sure as hell will try... because i don't want that burden on my shoulders for the rest of my life. Grudges are too tiring to keep and hating just takes too much of my energy out of me.

I can't interact with my own son. Talking to him and carrying him just isn't enough. Why now when he's such a roughneck?! i never thought i'd ever say that i actually miss doing all the chore-like things (feeding him, bathing him, changing, etc). They're not chores... that was how i bonded with him. Now, i'm helpless and useless... and i'm just his mother he sees lying in bed. It kills me.
I see Dylan look at me and wonder why i don't pick him up. He's wondering why i need those wooden crutches to go about the house. He's trying to figure out why i push him away when he comes anywhere near my right leg. It seriously kills me.
I'm there, but i still miss him...


taking it one day at a time...
Never in my life did i ever think that i was ever gonna get shot. Not even the possibility of being anywhere near a brawl that included guns and shots fired. Never. This is not the life i want. This is definitely one i pray Dylan will never have to live through. I don't want any of this. Then again, who does, right?

I find it odd that of all the people to hit, Maan and i were the ones shot. What are the odds that 2 best friends would take a bullet together? When i say, "we're in this together..." i really do mean it.

But no matter how much humor we try to put into all this, and how many jokes we throw at people about our situation... it's not as easy as we make it look. If you've seen us at the hospital, or kicked it with us at the emergency room... you'd know what i'm talking about. It's been a lot of help being surrounded by our friends and the people we love. The amount of love and support that came through for us has been amazing and it does make everything that much easier.

Despite everything, we're keeping our spirits up. A positive attitude goes a long way.

We're warriors.
Don't underestimate us.
Karma has a way of biting you in the ass when it knows you very well deserve it.

***caution: written out of pure rage and anger. May seem a bit harsh.