don't procrastinate... MOTIVATE!

I've made up my mind. I'm ready. I have to do this. Time to get over my fears and move on already.

The end of an era, the dawn of a new horizon...

I've come to realize that i use that statement a lot. I've had certain phases of my life just come to a complete stop and the next chapter of my life quickly starts to unfold. That's how life really is, isn't it?

And so it starts. The reality that i neglected and the responsibility i irresponsibly ignored is calling out for me.

I'm 22 years old... and i'm about to leave my youth behind and sacrifice my early adult life. I realize that i've been whining over petty things. I've been selfish to the point where my priorities got crazy mixed up. I just wanted my life back again... but i know that no matter how hard i try, my reality will always be there. I can't ignore it any longer. I don't want to reach that point where it becomes something irreplaceable, something i can't get back to, absolutely cannot fix, and then i'll just end up regretting it. I've been selfish.

What could be more important in life than making sure that the well being of your seed is solidified? Isn't that what almost everyone strives for? At some point in everyone's life, all they really want is to know that they've built themselves up well enough to ensure the survival of their seed. That's what i'm supposed to do. That's what i'm about to embark on.

I'm coming home. And when i do... i'm staying there. It's where i belong. That's where my life is at. That's where my loyalty lies, above anything else. I have to focus on my family and moving on to bigger and better things.

I can't live like this... the way i've been dealing with my life for the past 6 years. My lifestyle has to completely change. No more halfies. I can't try to balance things out. Being a parent is about sacrifice... and there's no room for selfishness.

So there... i'm coming home. I'm leaving all the bullshit outside the door. I'm bringing productivity and motivation with me. My world is about to change within a few hours.

Acceptance and understanding. The beginning of mentally healing. Everything else comes after.

i'm going home.

and THEN... there were pictures

here it is. I don't know why they came out this size... but it was saved that way, so it's not my fault. I'm internet/computer retarded... so it's out of my control. Hope y'all see em alright.

so here they are...


"what's your biggest pet peeve?"

"bullet in the leg" --- Thea & Maryann, June 9, 2005

That would be me on the hospital bed on my 2nd or 3rd day at the hospital. I managed to move a little bit and have my buddy Jay-D take a photo. I'd say it was "gangsta"... but that's far from what the hell i really am... nothing even remotely close.
It hurt like a bitch... still does... but i'm a soldier, what can i say? *chyea* haha! (i can actually joke about it, yes. Is that strange?)


Nokia saves lives...
this would be the remains of my beloved Nokia 8310. I had that phone for 4 solid years. If you look closer, you can actually see where the bullet went straight through. This was in my right pocket.
My dumbass never bothered to backup all my numbers, emails, messages, and everything else in there... so i lost all my information. If you've been trying to text me or call me on (0919)8847834... you won't reach me. That's long gone... *sigh* I loved that phone. I still miss it.


Armani White... it wreaks.
I had that cologne for 2 years. I even bought the huge bottle, dammit. It's a can... and as you can see, that huge gash, right there (c'mon, you can't miss it) is obviously where the bullet passed. That's a CAN. Solid metal. I would've thought my phone and that cologne would be enough to stop a bullet. I'm stoOpid. haha! I watch too many movies, that's why.
Everytime i step into my room, it wreaks of Armani White. My bag is just hanging off the pole of my bed. I haven't washed it, i haven't thrown away anything that was in it. There's still rubble and everything in there. Shards of metal, tobacco from my cigarette pack, pieces of plastic and paper... i'm telling you, the bullet went through everything i had in that bag.


Thank God for gurly junk and those annoying bags that get in our way when we wanna dance.
Look closer and you'll see 2 (not 1, but 2!!!) bullet holes on my bag. Yes, one other bullet missed me. *phew* Then, there's my tampon, broken in half, my cologne, and my phone. We didn't put everything else on there because those were the most interesting ones... but yeah. There they are.
I wasn't gonna go out with a bag that night. Thank God i did...


***Those are the pics. That's my story. *sigh*
Craziness... just pure insanity.
Entertaining though, right? People love this kinda craziness...
Why do you think the media dwells on violence and negativity? Because it's the type of ish that entertains people and captivates their attention the most. *tsk tsk*
Whatever, it's human nature.

i'm out.

I.D.I.O.T

Idealistic Dreamer Instantly Optimistic & Trustworthy

I've been an idiot. How could i let myself go through all that again? Because it was good at the time? Because for a few glorious moments, nothing else mattered in the world but "us"? When am i ever gonna learn... that something so good, exceptionally great even, can only be shortlived. I live in a dream world, that's why.

From the get go, there were red flags raising up in every direction. We decided, the hell with the world. We know it's real, we know it's great, we're gonna do this and work at it. Keep it on the low low, right? Politics? Why does it matter if people are all up in our business? We live in the Philippines... you just can't avoid that. Why is it so important to worry about what other people think? It's our lives, it's our relationship... nobody else matters.

Easier said than done, right?

Wrong timing. That's what it was. At this point in both our lives, a possibility for us to have something we both want really bad is just not an option. Too much to handle. Too many other things to deal with. It's all about priorities. Adding another something that's important, something you have to work on--- it's just not gonna happen. It just complicates life even more. Why complicate things when it doesn't have to be that way. It's pointless.

I understand.

It only hurts and i'm put in a situation that really sucks because i found something that's so great... but i can't have it given the circumstances. Everything we have going against us won. In my eyes, it just wasn't priority enough to work on. In my heart, I wasn't good enough to work on. I should've seen it from the beginning. Seriously, now... what was i freakin' thinking?

How can you let go of something so great? Something that fits so well. You find something so wonderful that you may never find again... and just like that, you let it go. Not because you want to... but because it's what you have to do.

"Nothing is perfect... but this is nice." Sure, nothing is perfect... yeah, but it was pretty damn close. Or was that just me? How can something so good, just not work, and in other peoples' eyes actually be something bad? I don't understand it.

Things happens for a reason. A huge thing happened for all this to have started... perhaps there's a hidden agenda, an even better reason for why it can't happen.

As great as everything was... i'm beginning to regret it. Ignorance is bLiss. If i never knew what it would have been like to be with someone like that and experience life in a perspective where the "what if's" came in the picture... and i saw what life would have been like if it had worked out... maybe it would hurt less... or even better, none at all.

It wasn't all bad. I'm just not feeling so hot right now. It was great while it lasted. I guess something is better than nothing...

It's just so much harder to look at the good things right now when you're hurting so bad. I had to leave Never Neverland behind. I knew there was a time limit. I knew there was a HUGE possibility it wasn't gonna last forever. So when i thought about it... might as well make do with what you have. Make the most out of it. But how do you do that without getting your feelings and emotions involved? It's complicated, i know.

I'm an idiot. But just so you know... I understand. I really do.

there are some things we already know... we just tend to forget sometimes...

Is it really that simple?

... yeah, it is.

who me?!

I've been asked to speak to 52 4th year psychology students about my experiences on life.

Me? really? interesting...

I turned 22 years old 4 days ago. I had dinner with my family and that was about it. This was the first time in my whole entire life that i didn't do anything to celebrate my birthday. I didn't see a reason for celebrating... hell, i didn't even write about it or mention it til now.

But i do have a reason to celebrate... i actually lived to see my 22nd birthday. That's a good thing, right? a bonus: i got to keep my right leg. =)

In the previous years, my birthday (it should be called birthweek over here) would be celebrated from the time it hit midnight (my actual birthday) all the way through the week. I'm not kidding. I'm sure some of you from here have done that too. You celebrate your birthday for an entire week. Every night in a different club, you get hooked up with drinks, you get a VIP room, the works... every single night for a full week. Everyone would get hammered, we tear up the dance floor and everyone has a good time. That's how it usually goes. But not this year. It was just different.

For a 22 year old, i think it would be fair for me to say that i've been through quite a lot. I'm not talking about cliche stories like what every other teenager talks about... I mean serious issues that i've had to tackle for the past 7 years. I don't even know where to begin or how to explain myself.

Most of the people i know would tell you that i don't think or act like the average chick in her early 20's. It's a given fact. I'm different. I've always known that. No wonder i always seem to vibe more with people who are way older than me. I'm just different... but, hey, that's just me.

I believe i'm a strong individual. I've been put through a lot... but i've always pulled through... always. It might have not been easy at the time, and i sure as hell didn't make speedy recoveries like i was superwoman or anything... but i managed to pick myself up. Having a very strong support group (that would be my friends and family) always helped. Some issues took a really long time for me to get over... some even still haunt me to this day. But that's just the way life is.

I've lived a great life thus far. I'm happy for my 22 years of existence. It hasn't been smooth sailing, and it sure as hell wasn't a party all throughout... believe me when i say this, i've been through hell and back. But i'm thankful for everything that i've gone through... be it complete and utter bullshit or just dandy rainbows and sunflowers. All that has made me the person i am today... and i happen to like me.

The different phases in my life associated with the different people i've met on my journey paved the way to the person i have become. I've made mistakes, God knows i'm not perfect. I have ghosts in my closet and secrets too unbearable to mention. I have regrets in my life that i wish i could undo. But who doesn't? I'm normal in a sense that i am a human being and i have feelings too... but life isn't just about the shit we step on or the rocks thrown in our paths... it's about the decisions you make with what you're given and where you are... the way you think about it and choose how to take it all.

Shit happens... what are you gonna do about it?

I thrive on experience. I feed off experience... both the good and the bad. That's just how i am. As great as it is... it is also my weakness. Sometimes i tend to get out of control and go buckwild... i live life on the fastlane... and as fun and adventurous as it may seem... it could lead to my demise.

Who the hell am i to tell people about my story? Nobody. But i believe that everything i have been through in life are those only a rare few have experienced all in one blow. I'm sure of it. These experiences, the memories, everything i have gone through are all mine, and mine to keep. It hasn't been easy... but it's been one crazy ride. =)

Lately, i've been getting a lot of feedback from people thanking me for sharing my thoughts and experiences with them. It caught me off guard and i found it to be completely astounding. Like i said, "who the hell am i?".
But it's always good to hear that by sharing bits and pieces of what has happened to me in my life help motivate and inspire other people. I never really thought about it that way...

So thank you for letting me know that i'm being heard. Feedback is always welcome... be it positive or negative... it's all constructive criticism.

I said this from the beginning... i was only doing all this to vent out. Somebody told me it was therapeutic. It's done me good so far. =)

I know some people will be reading this thinking that i'm talking about the ordinary telenovela drama ish... but i guarantee you don't know what you're talking about... hehe.

Hey, everyone has their own drama going on in their lives. I'm not looking to battle anybody, okay? Let me be.

"Be kind... for every person you meet is fighting a harder battle."

Amen.

it's all about peRspEctiVe

i was once told that God would not throw anything my way if He knew i wouldn't be able to handle it... and a lot of the time, i believe it's true.

It has been a full month since the incident happened. The "shooter" has been caught. Maryann and i are healing fine. No complications at all whatsoever. I had surgery yesterday to have the bullet taken out. Everything went smoothly... and i get to keep my leg. so *yAy* They even let me keep the bullet (eeew and cool at the same time, huh?). But i'm back to square one. Just when i felt like i could start doing things again because my first wound was healing... i had to get this operation done. So now i have an exit wound. It's painful as hell... and it's like getting shot all over again. *sigh* Two and a half more months to go...

Monday was a tough day for me. My friends had texted me that they were gonna show the guy on tv... and for a second, i was a bit hesitant. Did i really wanna see? Did i really wanna know? But being me, of course, i had to look. I saw him. It was a slap in the face because i have never seen this guy my whole entire life... nothing about him seemed the least bit familliar. Call me an idiot... but i'm not satisfied. There's something about how it all played out that just doesn't fit, it just does not go, it so doesn't flow. I'm not gonna mention anything more... perhaps for my own good. But let's just say, that the way this situation is playing out just doesn't sit well in my stomach. Not at all.

I'm letting all my anger go. A whole month struggling with fury and rage within and at the same time keeping a calm and composed exterior is not an easy task. As a matter of fact, it may drive you up the walls. It has me. I have let this situation destroy me enough... and this is as far as i'm willing to let it take me. I don't want it anymore. Gotta change my perspective on everything. It's the only way out of this mental shit hole. I have to conjure up enough strength to pick myself up and move on. It's just what i have to do.

I got shot, he got away. Well, my bad. Wrong place at the wrong time. Another one of life's huge lessons. But i can't concentrate on him anymore. I'm not thinking about getting the mu'fucker back. The anger and the hate i had for the past few weeks were destroying me. All because of him and the situation i was put in. You know what? Fuck it. Maybe "he'll" have issues within himself in his life that'll mentally destroy him. Maybe Karma will catch up with him one of these days and bite him back in the ass (or shoot him in the leg in some other context, if you feel me). But that's that. I'm letting it go. I live to see another day. I got shot, and hey, it's mad hard... and it's a really messed up situation to be in... but eventually, things will go back to normal. One day, i will walk again. I got to keep my leg and everything is all good.

Maryann is in a fucked up situation too... it's bad enough that we have other issues to deal with in our lives and all this shit was added on.

But life will go back to normal... maybe not soon, definitely not now. But it will. And that's a big thing. That night could've played out in an even worse way... so we're counting our blessings. The doctor, again, mentioned how lucky i was yesterday. If that bullet had not hit my bag and my phone and everything i had in it... it would have shattered my hip, i would have gone through excruciating surgery... but never walk again. And the bullet did hit it. It was just already slowed down because of the impact with all my things that it just barely nicked it, bounced off, and settled in my leg. Crazy, right? Thank God for my bag and everything i had in there. I wasn't even gonna bring a bag out that night. I never do. There was just something different about that night... i needed my bag. And i'm crazy lucky for the stance i was in when the shooter pulled the trigger while aiming at me. The alignment was perfect where it had to go through everything i had first before hitting me. Dumb luck... good luck and bad luck at the same time, i guess.

It takes a while for the good things in a bad situation to come out... but they're there. There's always a silver lining in every cloud... always.

"In dark times, the eyes begin to see..."
The past month has been an eye opener in so many ways. We've learned so much based on the situation we were put in. I could write a novel with nothing in it but the lessons we've learned... and it's a great thing. It was something we had to go through to learn something so important. You could say it was a sacrifice for a higher purpose. I thought pregnancy was therapeutic and it really made you think about the important things in life... but dude, man... this ride was even crazier.

There were so many things that we had to learn and we wouldn't have been able to discover it or achieve the knowledge as fast if none of this had happened. And who knows, if we had waited even longer to learn our lesson.. the blow might've come even harder.

It's funny how something so tragic, so devastating and frustrating can help you discover something so great. People need dark times in their lives. It's all a matter on how you choose to take it. Because if one deals with it the right way, there's nothing you can get out of it but positivity, and internal strength. The minute you pick yourself up and realize that the world isn't as horrible as you think it is... you're a stronger and better person for it.

The world is full of everything. Beauty, cruelty, kindness, ugliness, happiness, sadness, etc. etc. etc. Your life is what you make of it. The situation you're left to deal with is what you make of it. Something shitty happens, move on and learn from it. Something great happens, savour it. The simple pleasure life has to offer is everywhere. You just gotta look harder... or look in a different angle... because it's all about perspective.

That's all it really is...

never neverland

the peter pan syndrome...

Everyone has that episode in their life... that one phase, that one moment that you just never wanted to end.

i think i'm experiencing "a moment" right now where i like the way things are... i'm making the most of the time i have... before i completely grow up and take responsibility for all the priorities i have in my life. I know it's not gonna last forever... i know it may end at any moment now... in a few hours even... but i just wanna cherish the moment... the memories of what i have at this point is all i really have to keep.

The fact that this "lifestyle" is gonna end at some point in the next few hours crushes me... how can i miss out on something so great?

I'm making a sacrifice right now... giving up something that means a lot to me for a higher purpose... it may be worth it (hell, i know it is!)... but it's changing the course of my life like i never thought it would. The insanity is astounding.

There are so many moments in my life that i would like to relive all over again... but i know that will never happen. But i DO dwell on them... and that makes me an individual living in the illusion of "neverland".

I have my days... some better than others. I'm having one of my better days... and i wish i could just stay in never neverland.