miss-teaze-ism

drum roll please...

2007-06-11T11:09:00.002+08:00

and here it is:

**as i kiss the sky**

ladies and gents... step into my world.
peace, true love, & happiness.
i'll see you on the other side.

allow me to re-introduce myself...

2007-06-11T09:12:00.000+08:00

it's been almost 2 years since i've written anything...
i feel as if this person has completely morphed into someone else. No longer are these issues a weight on my shoulders. Wow, such a thing of the past.
I have grown tremendously in the past 2 years. I've left some characteristics behind and have locked up memories, never again to be dwelled upon. I'm the new ME.
With that said... i'm thinking about writing again.
I started this blog because it was a great outlet for the chaos going on in my head when i had nobody to talk to and when i simply felt like i wanted to be "heard".
It helped me through some of the most challenging things i had to experience in my life... so here i am.
I'm starting fresh because i feel like this is no longer who i am... but i don't want to erase it as if it never existed. So when i start up again... i'll be sure to let you know. It might even be sooner than you think.
Are we really halfway through 2007 already?
insanity, i tell you.

in the now

2007-05-26T10:23:00.000+08:00

where did it go? time flew past me so quickly. It's taking so much and giving so little... i don't understand that. There are more questions to be answered and more things that need to be done. But when does it stop? Is there really a destination? or is it supposed to be a journey all our lives? Who ever said that better necessarily means "happy". And how do you know for sure that it IS what WILL make you happy... then does it end there? Or will there be a need for more happiness? See, it's just never enough. It doesn't stop there. So if your whole life is a journey.. shouldn't we might as well enjoy the scenery? It might take a while...
i'm taking the necessary steps... i'm just taking my time. I haven't exactly put a permanent stamp on a certain decision yet... but it's getting there.
I'm still unsure which path i want to take. I'm not exactly sure which one will be happier and/or better. I'm not sure which one i'll be able to take on better. Asking these questions, are all on its own, is already not such a good thing.
Fine. I'm nervous. I'm a bit freaked out. But i'm cautious. And as much as possible, i try to be realistic.
Isn't this so general? i could read this ten years from now and think the exact same thing and ask the exact same questions but only for a completely different scenario and it just might actually make sense.
It just might be the story of my life.

uh... wut?!

2005-09-09T16:38:00.000+08:00

can somebody please tell me why all the info on my sidebar decided they wanted to chill at the bottom of my page?

I swear, i didn't touch anything so i have no idea why it moved. I'm completely internet & html retarded too so it's not like i know what's going on.

help would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

in my dreams, all is good

2005-09-03T21:47:00.000+08:00

It's been three years since... and once again, i've been so caught up in the dilemma i call LiFe, that it completely slipped my mind. I went to bed early, tired & exhausted... i was ready to leave my day behind and wake up to something new. Little did i know, i would come across a detour on my way to the next day, yet again, in the form of a dream.

I'm on the beach. I'm kicking back, relaxing, just chilling. It felt like i was on vacation and it looked as if i had absolutely nothing planned for the day. It was glorious. The weather wasn't perfect... it was a bit windy. The skies were gray with clouds scattered here and there. The ocean was furious with waves violently crashing up on shore. Not a person in sight. Then, in a distance, i see a tall, dark figure appear and slowly began inching its way towards me. For a moment, i didn't know exactly who it was... but as he calmly walked towards my direction... it hit me like a slap across the face. For a brief moment, i felt like a wanted to wake up. I knew who it was. I knew what this dream meant... but as much as i didn't want to go through it again... i wanted to see what he had to say this time around.

He casually sat down next to me on the sand. We both just glanced at each other quickly, exchanged a friendly nod with a smile, and at the same time just looked away and stared out into the open sea.

It was Donni.

"We've never been to the beach together..." he said.

I looked at him again, smiled, and replied, "I know..."

There was silence for a while until he started again, "I heard about what happened. Are you okay? How've you been?"

This whole time we don't even look at each other. We're both just staring out into the ocean... we have a casual conversation just like old friends catching up. I didn't expect this at all. Actually, i expected something quite different.

We ramble on for what felt like only a few minutes. It was a quick catch-up conversation. Nothing serious. Suddenly, he gets up, dusts the sand off his shorts, and says, "I have to go. It was good talking to you. I'll see you again, okay?"

I answer back, "of course." And he started walking away the exact manner, as casually, as he arrived. I was surprised. That was it? REally? and then i realized i had spoken too soon...

Only a few feet away from me, he pauses... turns around and heads back towards me. He asks, "Are you happy?" and i reply, "I'm trying..."

The dream that i had before slowly started to take shape once again. I was ready for it. "I'm not. It's hard for me, you see... i need you." he mutters.

"I can't..." was all i could say. I couldn't even look at him. I was staring at the ground. The grains of sand all of a sudden started to look interesting. I didn't wanna have this conversation again. My life is different now... much more different from the last time he visited. What scares me, however, is that this time, i almost felt like i wanted to say yes and go with him. Maybe, just maybe, it would be easier. But i couldn't do that. Not now, not ever. It's a path that will never be an option for me. Never.

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. My facial expression telling him that i couldn't handle all this right now. He didn't say anything at first... and then finally, just whispered, "I understand."

With that, he kissed my forehead, got up, and went on his way. The dream was over.

I woke up in an instant, in a dark, cold room. None of the lights were on. Rain was pouring outside like a mother biatch. Rumbling thunder. It was freezing in this room. I woke up alone, scared, and confused. I didn't know what to do... or what to think for that matter.

Later on today, i went on the internet. Without even thinking about it, i went on Google and looked up the name Cadiogan, Donni. 3 results came up. 2 of which were the same article and one that wasn't so significant. I clicked on the article and was astounded with what i found. I was shocked.

Someone had actually written a serious article about the incident. The story behind it, the reason, how it played out, and the opinions of the people living in the village. It was crazy. I never even bothered to try and look it up before. This article was written in 2003. http://www.jtesoro.net/trarchives/categories/filipino/

I've accepted what happened. But i still constantly wonder about the coulda shoulda woulda's. I can't help it. That was a tragic milestone in my life that i would rather never happend. It still haunts me... and reading that article had a huge impact on me. There were things in there that i never knew about. Facts i never thought about... details i didn't even wonder about. I have images in my head now that bothers me. I don't know whether to believe it or not.

It was a shock to me and i felt my heart break and shatter into a million pieces. They made it seem like his life was so tragic. They made it look like he was such a bad person. They made it seem like what happened was completely expected. "The natural end to his troubled existence"... ? ? ? what exactly is that supposed to mean?

It is a common belief in majority of religions that one who takes his/her own life automatically buys themselves a one way ticket to the "bad" place. The worst and scariest interpretation of that place, that i have ever seen, was depicted in the movie, Constantine. Now, that was horror. I seriously got a glimpse of hell. I could feel the tragedy. When i saw it, i couldn't contain myself... i ended up thinking about this and just started crying. It hurt me so much just the thought that such a place could possibly exist and this is where a close friend of mine is doomed to spend his entire being for all eternity. I can't even find the words to fully express just how much this upsets me. It not only breaks my heart... it shatters my soul.

I can't make up excuses for what happened. I can't defend him. I barely even know the foundation of the situation. Nobody ever talks about it. It was a tragedy. I know that. But please... there's no need to speak of it in an ill manner. It's not necessary to rub it in. It's already understood.

“It gives you real respect for the truth when you have to clean up lives that have been based on a lie. Think about it. Donni”

Those were the last words he ever wrote... now, written on his epitaph.
i just want to understand what was going on... i need to find closure. If he was screaming out loud right before he did it... what was he saying? Why didn't i get that feeling? Why didn't i know? I should have known... again, i'm consumed by guilt.

Every year, in my dreams, only once every now and then, on the same day, same time--- i meet with him. Is it real? spiritual maybe? or just plain trauma & guilt, planted in my subconscious?

I miss him. I miss his smile and his bear hugs. I miss our high times and our crazy laugh trips. I miss sitting out on the curb, at 3am for 3 hours, in the cold, waiting for a taxi with him just so we both make it through our doors before "curfew". I miss our stupid drinking games that neither of us would win whenever we played against each other. I miss the inside jokes and our made up words that noone else would understand. I miss the random, "i'm in Manila, let's party" texts. I miss the random phone calls. i miss the clowning and the crazy conversations. I just miss his presence.

I pray to all the higher beings that he has found peace. If he felt like an outcast in this superficial world, i hope, through whatever miracle, that he has found his place. He just needed to be accepted... he just wanted to belong. Is that asking for too much?

He was a good person...
I pray to God he's resting in peace.

***I consider this experience to have been one of the hardest things i ever had to go through. It took me months to heal. I wrote about it for the first time only a year ago.
http://mtism.blogspot.com/2004/09/donni.html

i'm only human

2005-08-14T14:41:00.000+08:00

I'm not Superwoman (in that "sense" of being "super"). I'm not Mother Teresa, either. I'm not an eternal optimist and i don't have the answer to everybody's problems. I don't have a never-ending-flowing-river of strength that i magically conjure up from within whenever i please. I don't have all the time in the world nor can i stop it either. My emotions do get the better of me at times... I break down too... i have my moments of confusion... and a lot of the time, life gets so tough, i do feel like giving up. I have my share of making dumb decisions and retarded choices. I make my mistakes.

hey, i'm only human.

It's been a few weeks since i last published anything. Not that i haven't written anything... just not anything worth sharing for the world to see. I was under the impression that if it wasn't anything motivating, inspirational, or productive that it wasn't worth posting up. I'm not one to bitch about certain aspects of my life... so i didn't do it.

To be honest, the past few weeks of my life have been one chaotic whirlpool. To put it bluntly--- it was a mess. Straight up confusion and drama. I met my alter ego and decided to stick with this person. I became the newest rebel of the world. I lost me.

I’ve written a fair bit in the past few weeks. Articles I wouldn’t dare publish. For a while I had even forgotten that I had written anything… and when I discovered them just sitting there, waiting to be read… I was shocked at what I had found. I didn’t realize I was so caught up in depression. All the aggression, the anxiety, the front, the repression, the rage just decided to creep up behind me and when least expected, turned me around and kicked me in the face. Just when i thought i was all good. I didn’t see it coming…
I really did lose me…

I was consumed by the chaos building up inside me. I ran away from my sadness with high hopes that everything will just magically work out on its own. I abandoned the reality of my life. I wanted to stop time and conjure up a life where everything was good... and even though i new it would all eventually end... i tried my best to make now last for as long as i could.

I sought refuge in a place that allowed me to be myself and fully accepted me for everything that i was. Within these walls, i felt like i was invincible. This box was my sanctuary. Once again, i felt like my life was something remotely close to what i would consider "normal". For a while, i actually took a step back, looked at how everything was and thought to myself, "this is what life is supposed to be like".

I guess as real as it was for those moments, and as happy as it made me... it was actually just an artificial high. Sooner or later i would have to snap out of it and sober up. It was time for me to recognize the side effects of being trapped in Never-Never-Land.

I have my reasons for doing what i did. I don't have the need to explain myself... because honestly, i just don't care anymore. Other people can judge me and make assumptions all on their own... but it doesn't mean they completely know what's going on within me. It doesn't mean they understand. But I do.

I'm not inconsiderate. Don't judge me. I'm not stupid nor crazy. Don't pitty me. I'm a rational person, a woman of reason. I realize i have to take responsibility for my actions. Different people handle certain situations in their own way... so please, let me be. I don't want to rush things. Slowly but surely, i'm getting better. I'll get there in due time. I don't want to hide things and brush off certain issues anymore... i'm sick and tired of putting up a front. I'll be the first to tell you--- it only makes things worse. It doesn't work that way for me. I'm not gonna wake up one morning and decide that i'll be fabulous that day. That's just not how it works. I have to understand what's going on and fully accept my situation first before anything else. I know what i'm doing. It might not look it... but have a little bit more faith in me.

I've stumbled many times in my journey throughout this life. I've always managed to pick myself up. Sometimes i get up faster than expected, others, i tend to dwell upon just a little bit longer. Recently, i felt the strength within me diminish swiflty. It was definitely one of my darkest hours... but i'm not weak spirited. I don't quit either. My emotions tend to get the better of me at times... but it's nothing that can't be fixed.

We all fall... every single one of us. I've never had to deal with anything like this before... it should be no surprise that i find it so damn difficult. I'm only human. All i'm asking for is some understanding... and a little bit of time.

Let me be.

don't procrastinate... MOTIVATE!

2005-07-14T01:09:00.000+08:00

I've made up my mind. I'm ready. I have to do this. Time to get over my fears and move on already.

The end of an era, the dawn of a new horizon...

I've come to realize that i use that statement a lot. I've had certain phases of my life just come to a complete stop and the next chapter of my life quickly starts to unfold. That's how life really is, isn't it?

And so it starts. The reality that i neglected and the responsibility i irresponsibly ignored is calling out for me.

I'm 22 years old... and i'm about to leave my youth behind and sacrifice my early adult life. I realize that i've been whining over petty things. I've been selfish to the point where my priorities got crazy mixed up. I just wanted my life back again... but i know that no matter how hard i try, my reality will always be there. I can't ignore it any longer. I don't want to reach that point where it becomes something irreplaceable, something i can't get back to, absolutely cannot fix, and then i'll just end up regretting it. I've been selfish.

What could be more important in life than making sure that the well being of your seed is solidified? Isn't that what almost everyone strives for? At some point in everyone's life, all they really want is to know that they've built themselves up well enough to ensure the survival of their seed. That's what i'm supposed to do. That's what i'm about to embark on.

I'm coming home. And when i do... i'm staying there. It's where i belong. That's where my life is at. That's where my loyalty lies, above anything else. I have to focus on my family and moving on to bigger and better things.

I can't live like this... the way i've been dealing with my life for the past 6 years. My lifestyle has to completely change. No more halfies. I can't try to balance things out. Being a parent is about sacrifice... and there's no room for selfishness.

So there... i'm coming home. I'm leaving all the bullshit outside the door. I'm bringing productivity and motivation with me. My world is about to change within a few hours.

Acceptance and understanding. The beginning of mentally healing. Everything else comes after.

i'm going home.

and THEN... there were pictures

2005-07-09T20:04:00.000+08:00

here it is. I don't know why they came out this size... but it was saved that way, so it's not my fault. I'm internet/computer retarded... so it's out of my control. Hope y'all see em alright.

so here they are...

"what's your biggest pet peeve?"

"bullet in the leg" --- Thea & Maryann, June 9, 2005

That would be me on the hospital bed on my 2nd or 3rd day at the hospital. I managed to move a little bit and have my buddy Jay-D take a photo. I'd say it was "gangsta"... but that's far from what the hell i really am... nothing even remotely close.
It hurt like a bitch... still does... but i'm a soldier, what can i say? *chyea* haha! (i can actually joke about it, yes. Is that strange?)

Nokia saves lives...
this would be the remains of my beloved Nokia 8310. I had that phone for 4 solid years. If you look closer, you can actually see where the bullet went straight through. This was in my right pocket.
My dumbass never bothered to backup all my numbers, emails, messages, and everything else in there... so i lost all my information. If you've been trying to text me or call me on (0919)8847834... you won't reach me. That's long gone... *sigh* I loved that phone. I still miss it.

Armani White... it wreaks.
I had that cologne for 2 years. I even bought the huge bottle, dammit. It's a can... and as you can see, that huge gash, right there (c'mon, you can't miss it) is obviously where the bullet passed. That's a CAN. Solid metal. I would've thought my phone and that cologne would be enough to stop a bullet. I'm stoOpid. haha! I watch too many movies, that's why.
Everytime i step into my room, it wreaks of Armani White. My bag is just hanging off the pole of my bed. I haven't washed it, i haven't thrown away anything that was in it. There's still rubble and everything in there. Shards of metal, tobacco from my cigarette pack, pieces of plastic and paper... i'm telling you, the bullet went through everything i had in that bag.

Thank God for gurly junk and those annoying bags that get in our way when we wanna dance.
Look closer and you'll see 2 (not 1, but 2!!!) bullet holes on my bag. Yes, one other bullet missed me. *phew* Then, there's my tampon, broken in half, my cologne, and my phone. We didn't put everything else on there because those were the most interesting ones... but yeah. There they are.
I wasn't gonna go out with a bag that night. Thank God i did...

***Those are the pics. That's my story. *sigh*
Craziness... just pure insanity.
Entertaining though, right? People love this kinda craziness...
Why do you think the media dwells on violence and negativity? Because it's the type of ish that entertains people and captivates their attention the most. *tsk tsk*
Whatever, it's human nature.

i'm out.

I.D.I.O.T

2005-07-08T14:44:00.000+08:00

Idealistic Dreamer Instantly Optimistic & Trustworthy

I've been an idiot. How could i let myself go through all that again? Because it was good at the time? Because for a few glorious moments, nothing else mattered in the world but "us"? When am i ever gonna learn... that something so good, exceptionally great even, can only be shortlived. I live in a dream world, that's why.

From the get go, there were red flags raising up in every direction. We decided, the hell with the world. We know it's real, we know it's great, we're gonna do this and work at it. Keep it on the low low, right? Politics? Why does it matter if people are all up in our business? We live in the Philippines... you just can't avoid that. Why is it so important to worry about what other people think? It's our lives, it's our relationship... nobody else matters.

Easier said than done, right?

Wrong timing. That's what it was. At this point in both our lives, a possibility for us to have something we both want really bad is just not an option. Too much to handle. Too many other things to deal with. It's all about priorities. Adding another something that's important, something you have to work on--- it's just not gonna happen. It just complicates life even more. Why complicate things when it doesn't have to be that way. It's pointless.

I understand.

It only hurts and i'm put in a situation that really sucks because i found something that's so great... but i can't have it given the circumstances. Everything we have going against us won. In my eyes, it just wasn't priority enough to work on. In my heart, I wasn't good enough to work on. I should've seen it from the beginning. Seriously, now... what was i freakin' thinking?

How can you let go of something so great? Something that fits so well. You find something so wonderful that you may never find again... and just like that, you let it go. Not because you want to... but because it's what you have to do.

"Nothing is perfect... but this is nice." Sure, nothing is perfect... yeah, but it was pretty damn close. Or was that just me? How can something so good, just not work, and in other peoples' eyes actually be something bad? I don't understand it.

Things happens for a reason. A huge thing happened for all this to have started... perhaps there's a hidden agenda, an even better reason for why it can't happen.

As great as everything was... i'm beginning to regret it. Ignorance is bLiss. If i never knew what it would have been like to be with someone like that and experience life in a perspective where the "what if's" came in the picture... and i saw what life would have been like if it had worked out... maybe it would hurt less... or even better, none at all.

It wasn't all bad. I'm just not feeling so hot right now. It was great while it lasted. I guess something is better than nothing...

It's just so much harder to look at the good things right now when you're hurting so bad. I had to leave Never Neverland behind. I knew there was a time limit. I knew there was a HUGE possibility it wasn't gonna last forever. So when i thought about it... might as well make do with what you have. Make the most out of it. But how do you do that without getting your feelings and emotions involved? It's complicated, i know.

I'm an idiot. But just so you know... I understand. I really do.

there are some things we already know... we just tend to forget sometimes...

2005-07-08T14:32:00.000+08:00

Is it really that simple?

... yeah, it is.

who me?!

2005-07-08T01:14:00.000+08:00

I've been asked to speak to 52 4th year psychology students about my experiences on life.

Me? really? interesting...

I turned 22 years old 4 days ago. I had dinner with my family and that was about it. This was the first time in my whole entire life that i didn't do anything to celebrate my birthday. I didn't see a reason for celebrating... hell, i didn't even write about it or mention it til now.

But i do have a reason to celebrate... i actually lived to see my 22nd birthday. That's a good thing, right? a bonus: i got to keep my right leg. =)

In the previous years, my birthday (it should be called birthweek over here) would be celebrated from the time it hit midnight (my actual birthday) all the way through the week. I'm not kidding. I'm sure some of you from here have done that too. You celebrate your birthday for an entire week. Every night in a different club, you get hooked up with drinks, you get a VIP room, the works... every single night for a full week. Everyone would get hammered, we tear up the dance floor and everyone has a good time. That's how it usually goes. But not this year. It was just different.

For a 22 year old, i think it would be fair for me to say that i've been through quite a lot. I'm not talking about cliche stories like what every other teenager talks about... I mean serious issues that i've had to tackle for the past 7 years. I don't even know where to begin or how to explain myself.

Most of the people i know would tell you that i don't think or act like the average chick in her early 20's. It's a given fact. I'm different. I've always known that. No wonder i always seem to vibe more with people who are way older than me. I'm just different... but, hey, that's just me.

I believe i'm a strong individual. I've been put through a lot... but i've always pulled through... always. It might have not been easy at the time, and i sure as hell didn't make speedy recoveries like i was superwoman or anything... but i managed to pick myself up. Having a very strong support group (that would be my friends and family) always helped. Some issues took a really long time for me to get over... some even still haunt me to this day. But that's just the way life is.

I've lived a great life thus far. I'm happy for my 22 years of existence. It hasn't been smooth sailing, and it sure as hell wasn't a party all throughout... believe me when i say this, i've been through hell and back. But i'm thankful for everything that i've gone through... be it complete and utter bullshit or just dandy rainbows and sunflowers. All that has made me the person i am today... and i happen to like me.

The different phases in my life associated with the different people i've met on my journey paved the way to the person i have become. I've made mistakes, God knows i'm not perfect. I have ghosts in my closet and secrets too unbearable to mention. I have regrets in my life that i wish i could undo. But who doesn't? I'm normal in a sense that i am a human being and i have feelings too... but life isn't just about the shit we step on or the rocks thrown in our paths... it's about the decisions you make with what you're given and where you are... the way you think about it and choose how to take it all.

Shit happens... what are you gonna do about it?

I thrive on experience. I feed off experience... both the good and the bad. That's just how i am. As great as it is... it is also my weakness. Sometimes i tend to get out of control and go buckwild... i live life on the fastlane... and as fun and adventurous as it may seem... it could lead to my demise.

Who the hell am i to tell people about my story? Nobody. But i believe that everything i have been through in life are those only a rare few have experienced all in one blow. I'm sure of it. These experiences, the memories, everything i have gone through are all mine, and mine to keep. It hasn't been easy... but it's been one crazy ride. =)

Lately, i've been getting a lot of feedback from people thanking me for sharing my thoughts and experiences with them. It caught me off guard and i found it to be completely astounding. Like i said, "who the hell am i?".
But it's always good to hear that by sharing bits and pieces of what has happened to me in my life help motivate and inspire other people. I never really thought about it that way...

So thank you for letting me know that i'm being heard. Feedback is always welcome... be it positive or negative... it's all constructive criticism.

I said this from the beginning... i was only doing all this to vent out. Somebody told me it was therapeutic. It's done me good so far. =)

I know some people will be reading this thinking that i'm talking about the ordinary telenovela drama ish... but i guarantee you don't know what you're talking about... hehe.

Hey, everyone has their own drama going on in their lives. I'm not looking to battle anybody, okay? Let me be.

"Be kind... for every person you meet is fighting a harder battle."

Amen.

it's all about peRspEctiVe

2005-07-06T21:30:00.000+08:00

i was once told that God would not throw anything my way if He knew i wouldn't be able to handle it... and a lot of the time, i believe it's true.

It has been a full month since the incident happened. The "shooter" has been caught. Maryann and i are healing fine. No complications at all whatsoever. I had surgery yesterday to have the bullet taken out. Everything went smoothly... and i get to keep my leg. so *yAy* They even let me keep the bullet (eeew and cool at the same time, huh?). But i'm back to square one. Just when i felt like i could start doing things again because my first wound was healing... i had to get this operation done. So now i have an exit wound. It's painful as hell... and it's like getting shot all over again. *sigh* Two and a half more months to go...

Monday was a tough day for me. My friends had texted me that they were gonna show the guy on tv... and for a second, i was a bit hesitant. Did i really wanna see? Did i really wanna know? But being me, of course, i had to look. I saw him. It was a slap in the face because i have never seen this guy my whole entire life... nothing about him seemed the least bit familliar. Call me an idiot... but i'm not satisfied. There's something about how it all played out that just doesn't fit, it just does not go, it so doesn't flow. I'm not gonna mention anything more... perhaps for my own good. But let's just say, that the way this situation is playing out just doesn't sit well in my stomach. Not at all.

I'm letting all my anger go. A whole month struggling with fury and rage within and at the same time keeping a calm and composed exterior is not an easy task. As a matter of fact, it may drive you up the walls. It has me. I have let this situation destroy me enough... and this is as far as i'm willing to let it take me. I don't want it anymore. Gotta change my perspective on everything. It's the only way out of this mental shit hole. I have to conjure up enough strength to pick myself up and move on. It's just what i have to do.

I got shot, he got away. Well, my bad. Wrong place at the wrong time. Another one of life's huge lessons. But i can't concentrate on him anymore. I'm not thinking about getting the mu'fucker back. The anger and the hate i had for the past few weeks were destroying me. All because of him and the situation i was put in. You know what? Fuck it. Maybe "he'll" have issues within himself in his life that'll mentally destroy him. Maybe Karma will catch up with him one of these days and bite him back in the ass (or shoot him in the leg in some other context, if you feel me). But that's that. I'm letting it go. I live to see another day. I got shot, and hey, it's mad hard... and it's a really messed up situation to be in... but eventually, things will go back to normal. One day, i will walk again. I got to keep my leg and everything is all good.

Maryann is in a fucked up situation too... it's bad enough that we have other issues to deal with in our lives and all this shit was added on.

But life will go back to normal... maybe not soon, definitely not now. But it will. And that's a big thing. That night could've played out in an even worse way... so we're counting our blessings. The doctor, again, mentioned how lucky i was yesterday. If that bullet had not hit my bag and my phone and everything i had in it... it would have shattered my hip, i would have gone through excruciating surgery... but never walk again. And the bullet did hit it. It was just already slowed down because of the impact with all my things that it just barely nicked it, bounced off, and settled in my leg. Crazy, right? Thank God for my bag and everything i had in there. I wasn't even gonna bring a bag out that night. I never do. There was just something different about that night... i needed my bag. And i'm crazy lucky for the stance i was in when the shooter pulled the trigger while aiming at me. The alignment was perfect where it had to go through everything i had first before hitting me. Dumb luck... good luck and bad luck at the same time, i guess.

It takes a while for the good things in a bad situation to come out... but they're there. There's always a silver lining in every cloud... always.

"In dark times, the eyes begin to see..."
The past month has been an eye opener in so many ways. We've learned so much based on the situation we were put in. I could write a novel with nothing in it but the lessons we've learned... and it's a great thing. It was something we had to go through to learn something so important. You could say it was a sacrifice for a higher purpose. I thought pregnancy was therapeutic and it really made you think about the important things in life... but dude, man... this ride was even crazier.

There were so many things that we had to learn and we wouldn't have been able to discover it or achieve the knowledge as fast if none of this had happened. And who knows, if we had waited even longer to learn our lesson.. the blow might've come even harder.

It's funny how something so tragic, so devastating and frustrating can help you discover something so great. People need dark times in their lives. It's all a matter on how you choose to take it. Because if one deals with it the right way, there's nothing you can get out of it but positivity, and internal strength. The minute you pick yourself up and realize that the world isn't as horrible as you think it is... you're a stronger and better person for it.

The world is full of everything. Beauty, cruelty, kindness, ugliness, happiness, sadness, etc. etc. etc. Your life is what you make of it. The situation you're left to deal with is what you make of it. Something shitty happens, move on and learn from it. Something great happens, savour it. The simple pleasure life has to offer is everywhere. You just gotta look harder... or look in a different angle... because it's all about perspective.

That's all it really is...

never neverland

2005-07-02T04:19:00.000+08:00

the peter pan syndrome...

Everyone has that episode in their life... that one phase, that one moment that you just never wanted to end.

i think i'm experiencing "a moment" right now where i like the way things are... i'm making the most of the time i have... before i completely grow up and take responsibility for all the priorities i have in my life. I know it's not gonna last forever... i know it may end at any moment now... in a few hours even... but i just wanna cherish the moment... the memories of what i have at this point is all i really have to keep.

The fact that this "lifestyle" is gonna end at some point in the next few hours crushes me... how can i miss out on something so great?

I'm making a sacrifice right now... giving up something that means a lot to me for a higher purpose... it may be worth it (hell, i know it is!)... but it's changing the course of my life like i never thought it would. The insanity is astounding.

There are so many moments in my life that i would like to relive all over again... but i know that will never happen. But i DO dwell on them... and that makes me an individual living in the illusion of "neverland".

I have my days... some better than others. I'm having one of my better days... and i wish i could just stay in never neverland.

the time is now...

2005-06-24T17:20:00.000+08:00

Grow up.

2 words. So much power. So much meaning.

I've been procrastinating for the longest time. Dreading the future. Dwelling on the past.
I'm not gonna lie... i'm scared shitless of what's to come.

There are arrows pointing towards a specific direction... signs clearly telling me which way to go... the time is now. Can't you tell? Grow up.

It's not just procrastination that's getting to me. It's obvious i'm also in denial. I can't seem to leave behind the only life i know. I've been doing this for so long. It's all i know. Growing up means change. Change means starting over. And starting over means i leave everything behind... and everything i know becomes just another story in my past. That's it. Just another story.

The future. The uncertainty scares me. The trials to come. The obstacles to tackle. The drama to endure. It's a natural part of life. Everybody goes through it... but i feel as though i've been through enough. Can't it be smooth sailing even for just a little while. That's all i'm asking for. Just a little while. I feel like i'm overloading on so many things and i can't find an outlet to just let it all go.

It's different when you, yourself, know it's time to move on and do better things with your life. It's different when you decide all on your own that you're gonna make that change. It's another thing to have it said right in front of your face. Grow up. It comes out somewhat harsh. But take it. Because it it's true.

I am put in a situation right now where i need to make adjustments and change a huge part of my lifestyle... if not just part of it--- the whole damn thing. It goes back to that whole "change of pace". I've been living on the fast lane. Slowly deteriorating... heading towards a direction that would lead me to a dead end.

I'm still procrastinating. I'm scared. What lies behind door #2? What do i have in store for me next?

As much as i would love to kick it with my friends and do crazy shit, go buckwild, and take each day as it comes with no plan at all whatsoever... I can't. I have my responsibilities and i can't just let it all go. I can't risk it. Not at this point in my life.

Procrastinating... yeah. Getting ready... yeah. Am i ready? not yet. But i will be. In due time. But i know... the time is now.

excuse me, pardon me

2005-06-20T16:31:00.000+08:00

all my life i've been the tall, skinny girl. I would think i was considered to be average, normal... nothing out of the norm. I would get the occassional stare every now and then... but most of the time, i would think that people just pass me, walk on by, without even thinking twice about me. I liked it like that. Who wouldn't want to be normal?

all my life, i had taken a lot of things for granted.

yeah, i had a label growing up... i've always been the tall, skinny girl. I would say it has a lot to do with genetics (i'd say i'm doing okay)... but i've always been a very active person. I was always running around, playing, riding bikes, skating, etc. When i hit high school, i lived for sports. After school, dancing became my life. Never in my life did i ever think... not once... that there was a possibility that i wouldn't be so athletic, so active... that i wouldn't be so normal.

i got my very first dose of "out-of-the-norm" experience when i was pregnant. I gained 70 pounds... yeah, i was a walking house weighing in at 190 pounds. At 5.8" you wouldn't think that would be so bad... but i could barely carry myself around. I was massive. I know, i know... i had an excuse coz i was pregnant... but that's not my point. For months, i had experienced what it was like to be over weight. The depression of not fitting into my clothes hit me, the insecurity of why people would stare while i was eating, or the fact that i was invisble when i was walking around... just the mere fact that i felt completely unattractive. It was not fun...
While lining up at Mercury Drug (who has the worst system ever!), i was neglected and ignored. All i wanted to do was buy my meds, just like everyone else. But the people behind the counter would prioritize other people even if they got there AFTER me. That's never happened to me before! It didn't feel too great.
When i was in a crowded elevator, i would get looks as if they were saying, "why'd i have to be in the elevator with this girl? She's taking up too much space". It's mean... but it's true. Some people may find it funny... but really, it's just hurtful.
Somehow it seems like you're treated like less of a person if people don't find your appearance to be so appealing. It's not fair. But you know it's true. Good looking people use it to their advantage and the rest just get used to the way things work.

i'm now experiencing my 2nd dose... i'm a crippled girl hopping around using crutches. In other words... i'm disabled. The stares that i get are just unbelievable! people wondering, "what happened to her?". I walk by and in the corner of my eye i see heads turn towards my direction like a wave. One after the other. They stare at me as if i have vomit and blood continuously flowing from my ears!
Most of the time, i see people look at me and they look like they're thinking that i'm nothing more than an inconvenience. "Why did i have to walk behind her?". I'm sorry if i'm not an expert in the crutch-using department. I've never had to do this my whole entire life.
Some people are just too busy to think about others and be the slightest bit considerate... they serioulsy try to walk past me and hit my crutches in the process. Or when they see me coming (and i KNOW they see me!!!) and my path just so happens to cross with theirs... instead of letting me through, they'll speed up and try to beat me to it! So i'm there, hopping in mid-air, and i almost trip! It's not so easy to stop yourself from swinging... especially when you already have a rhythm going... i may not be fast, but i'm trying my best to get the hell out of your way.
(i swear, they see me there, but somehow refuse to acknowledge my presence)
Excuse me, pardon me, I'M SORRY.

This is what it feels like to spend a day in someone else's shoes. All of a sudden, i'm not so average anymore. Things i never even thought of, just all of a sudden, become a part of my every-day life... and i really just have to deal with it.

Some people crave for attention (the kind of attention that is good) and they absolutely love it... others feel like they're most comfortable when they just blend in. I'm just looking to blend in again...

There are so many more obstacles to tackle out there. You figure out that the life you once had wasn't as complicated as you made it seem. You realize that there are people out there fighting a harder battle. There are people out there who live lives almost like yours... but one simple thing, a twist... makes it that much harder to cope. Do you follow? It's like a mother raising a child... it seems to be the same for everyone else... but one simple difference can make that one's life more complicated. What if the child was mentally ill? Physically disabled? or the family was seriously poverty stricken?

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. That's just always how it goes.

But we're all human beings... try and treat each other with more repect. Have a little bit more compassion, be just a bit more considerate. I guarantee it'll make life so much easier.

my 5am wake up call

2005-06-17T16:31:00.000+08:00

be careful with what you wish for...
...you just might get it.

i wanted a change of pace right? i sure as hell got it...
we were already talking about it. Just the week before all that shit went down. Clubbing just didn't hit the spot anymore. I didn't wanna do it anymore. I was changing my game. I was setting my priorities straight. I was just starting to get my life back on track again. Why this? Why NOW?

i sure as hell broke routine though. Nothing about that night was predictable. It was definitely a change of pace... definitely.

i've been thinking a lot lately. That's pretty much all i've been able to do, really. I've covered all the bases. I've thought of all the coulda shoulda woulda's. I've thought of every possible scenario of how things could've played out differently that night. I've thought of it all. I'm telling you... i've thought of it all. But at the end of the day... what's done is done. I'm at where i'm at. It's all about perspective, really... i can choose to linger in this shit hole called depression, or i can pick myself up, accept the situation for what it is and move on. I choose the latter part of that statement.

I'm not perfect. I'm not getting over this quick. I may seem like i'm handling it well... but i do it only because i HAVE to. It's the only choice i have. Dwelling in the negativity will only destroy me. I don't need that.

I'm getting rid of all the unwanted, unnecessary, and useless bullshit in my life once and for all. I'm not tolerating anything. I'm putting my foot down. I've had enough. We're doing things MY way.

i was once told that God would not throw anything my way if He knew i wouldn't be able to handle it... and a lot of the time, i believe it's true.

shit, things happen for a reason. I know there's a really good one behind all this... i'm sure of it. Regardless the situation, i'm coming out of this a stronger and better person. I just know it. I don't mean to sound cliche, but really... what else am i supposed to say? So shoot me (no pun intended) if i'm trying to be positive and high spirited.

i think this was life's way of speeding up my decisions. I stumbled upon a fork in the road... i knew where i was really heading, i knew where i was supposed to go... but i was taking my sweet time. I was hesitant to change, i didn't wanna leave behind the life that i've been leading for all these years... the only life i really know. I was seriously just scared. But i knew that the changes had to be made. I was gonna do it eventually... but i guess the plan laid out for me was different... i couldn't just change eventually... i had to change immediately.

This was my 5am wake up call... countless of realizations have been hitting me for the past week and a half. Life screaming in my face, "wake the hell up!". This is just another turning point in my life... another drastic change... another new beginning.

I'm really just taking everything one day at a time...

i wish it were all a dream...

2005-06-15T16:57:00.000+08:00

i shit you not... evil was there that night.

i don't understand...
Fights broke out one after another. It was chaos. It didn't have to happen. Completely unnecessary. Useless.
I saw Maryann run towards a crowd. She didn't have anybody with her. I ran after her and when i finally caught up to her, i tugged on her arm and yanked her away. We ran towards the other direction... i just wanted to get out of there. We heard the first shot... we slowed down a bit and kind of looked around. Honestly, we thought it was a policeman firing a warning shot to stop the fighting. When we couldn't see anybody and saw everyone just sort of disperse from the scene, i grabbed Maryann's hand and started to run again. That's when shots went off like mad... one after the other. The next thing i knew, Mary fell to the ground, i stopped and turned around, & before i knew it, i was hit too. It all happened so fast. I took one step and fell. I dragged myself behind a car and saw Mark drag Maryann behind another car. The gunshots just continued. 12-13 rounds... it seemed like an eternity.

When we got to the hospital, it was complete and utter choas. Screaming and crying in every direction. People didn't know who was hit, who was missing, who was hurt. I was in panic mode because the moment i realized i was shot, it hit me that Maryann was shot too... i just didn't know where. Imagine the thoughts running through my head... the horror my imagination started to build up.

My mind was put to ease when i was wheeled into the Emergency Room and saw everyone there. I was assured that everything was gonna be okay... or so they thought.

Wrong place at the wrong time? ...
We don't know for sure... but was the shooter aiming for the people who got shot or was it a random spray of bullets into the crowd? Why was he so confident? You can't just fire a whole clip into a crowd of people in front of a hundred more people and just casually walk away. And how the hell do you manage to do all that in front of that many people and at the least, 8 police men, and still get away with it? That's fuckin' bullshit.

I was hit on the right upper thigh. I was shot at twice... one hit me, the other missed. HOw do i know? I CSI'd my shit and my bag tells me so. The bullet that hit me went through my bag and everything i had in there. If i took pictures of my stuff, you'd see it... but i don't have that with me at the moment. The bullet went through my bag, my cigarettes, my pad, my tampon (completely broken in half) , my cologne (armani, white. It's a CAN), and finally, my phone, before it lodged itself up my leg, hitting a bone and was put to a stop.

(If you're queasy, you might wanna skip this bit...)
Yeah, the bullet is still in my leg. Doctors think that if they remove the bullet, i could lose my entire right leg (feeling in it, anyway. In other words, i could be paralyzed). They say there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping the bullet in there... but if i develope a fever and my body rejects it, they're gonna have to risk it and take the bullet out. So far, i think everything is going well. The muscles in my body are pushing the bullet out... possibly away from whatever nerves it hit, so it might be safe to take it out after all. My entrance wound is about an inch and a half wide and disgustingly deep. Doctors also say that i'm extremely lucky that the bullet hit all my belongings including my phone because it somewhat softened the impact. Otherwise, it would've shattered my hip bone and i would never walk or dance another day in my life again.

As for now, i'm using crutches. I'm not gonna be walking for the next 4 months. I wanna be stubborn and hard headed and tell everyone i'll be dancing in 2 weeks... but these are just one of those things you can't rush... and you really just have to be patient. It's not fun.

in a rage
right after surgery i was wheeled into my room at makati med. My first visitors just happened to be the unwelcomed party. It was the other group responsible for the first fight.
These people casually walk into my room and stand there, in a bunch, to tell me, that "all is good. ok na tayo. peace na."
Excuse me?!?! all is freakin' good? I dont think so. I'm not holding grudges, and i'm not pointing fingers. I'll be honest with you and tell you, i'm sorry that all that shit went down and that i don't know who the fuck started shooting at all my friends... but i'm not gonna stand there and say to your face that all is fuckin' good. I have a bullet in my fuckin' leg and my best friend won't be walking for the next year and a half. One of our closest friends lost a brother, and we lost a friend. A good guy, who didn't deserve any of this bullshit, at that. So don't stand there to clear your conscience and feel good about your apology because i don't give a rat's ass about what you think. You guys may have thought that it was "the right thing to do"... but let me just say... it was SO not the right time to be making friends, buddy. SO NOT the right time.
Even worse, i had visitors everyday from that other group casually walking into my room to check up on me. People i've never seen before my whole life! WHY?!?! What the hell for? These are not the people i wanna have anything to do with and absolutely not the ones i want to see.

That's just my 2 cents... so whatever.

Corruption wins...
It's been a full week. They haven't caught the guy or even come remotely close to tracking him down. That's just bullshit. I'll tell you why. There were (at the least) 8 cops there... and not one of them did a thing when the shooting went down. A whole clip to empty is a long time... and no one did anything? The one cop who tried to draw his gun got shot in the arm. What was the excuse of the other cops? Oh yeah... they said they had a right to protect themselves. riiiiiiight.

i remember this one incident where this important guy was killed. The dude who killed him fled to the province, was on a port ready to head to Malaysia... and he was still caught within hours. Just hours. All they had to go on was a plate number... that was it.

The way i see it... if they wanted the guy caught, they would've had him by now. Way before now. But the thing is... this guy... he's supposedly "important". Government connections and the works. One of them kids who thinks they can get away with anything... even murder. The cops are going in circles... either they're just dumb, or they've been paid off. Who the hell knows. But damn... that's just wrong.

If i had even an ounce of patriotism in me before this whole incident... i have just been stripped of it all. Maybe it's the anger in me talking... but i really hate everything about this country. I hate the fact that you can get away with anything depending on the amount of money you have in your bank account or the people you know with enough clout. I hate the fact that power equals money and decisions aren't made because they're the right decisions... but because it's what was paid for. I hate the fact the justice does not prevail.

Everybody hopes for the best... but that's really as far as it goes. They just hope. Whatever happens doesn't really have anything to do with what we want... it's all up to what they want. Whoever the fuck "they" may be.

a million and one thoughts
I'm in a rage right now. If any emotion in particular is surging through my veins at this very moment, rage and anger would be at the very top of my list. Regret, a close second.

There were so many different possibilities on how that night could've played out. A million and one "shoulda coulda woulda's". Those are probably what i've been thinking about the most. I know it's no good, it doesn't help any, but i foreal just can't help it.

So many things go through my mind, it's hard to keep track of them all. A lot of the time, we try to find humor in our situation and joke around. But it only lasts for so long. We can't manage to think of anything else, really. Most of the time, i just find myself in a daze.

I'm definitely happy to be alive. The first sight of Dylan, i almost broke down. The thought of what my family would have gone through kills me.

5 years ago, i got into a car accident that almost killed me. I remember waking up the next morning and everything around me was just beautiful. Completely glorious. The thought that i was given a second chance at all this and that i lived to see another day was a feeling so amazing.
After Tuesday, i was in the hospital for 5 days. I didn't see the sun for 5 full days and i haven't been in a public area at all. The drive home was eerie. I didn't see pretty sunlight, lively people, and swaying trees. Everything was gloomy.

I realized that i'm just being bitter. A car accident is different. For one, it was my own fault. Secondly, it was an accident. But a shooting? This was done by someone. Who the hell gives someone the right to end sombody else's life? Who gives that person the right to do something so wrong, so evil, so final? He ended someone's life and changed ours. For that, i don't think i will ever find room in my heart to forgive him. But i sure as hell will try... because i don't want that burden on my shoulders for the rest of my life. Grudges are too tiring to keep and hating just takes too much of my energy out of me.

I can't interact with my own son. Talking to him and carrying him just isn't enough. Why now when he's such a roughneck?! i never thought i'd ever say that i actually miss doing all the chore-like things (feeding him, bathing him, changing, etc). They're not chores... that was how i bonded with him. Now, i'm helpless and useless... and i'm just his mother he sees lying in bed. It kills me.
I see Dylan look at me and wonder why i don't pick him up. He's wondering why i need those wooden crutches to go about the house. He's trying to figure out why i push him away when he comes anywhere near my right leg. It seriously kills me.
I'm there, but i still miss him...

taking it one day at a time...
Never in my life did i ever think that i was ever gonna get shot. Not even the possibility of being anywhere near a brawl that included guns and shots fired. Never. This is not the life i want. This is definitely one i pray Dylan will never have to live through. I don't want any of this. Then again, who does, right?

I find it odd that of all the people to hit, Maan and i were the ones shot. What are the odds that 2 best friends would take a bullet together? When i say, "we're in this together..." i really do mean it.

But no matter how much humor we try to put into all this, and how many jokes we throw at people about our situation... it's not as easy as we make it look. If you've seen us at the hospital, or kicked it with us at the emergency room... you'd know what i'm talking about. It's been a lot of help being surrounded by our friends and the people we love. The amount of love and support that came through for us has been amazing and it does make everything that much easier.

Despite everything, we're keeping our spirits up. A positive attitude goes a long way.

We're warriors.
Don't underestimate us.
Karma has a way of biting you in the ass when it knows you very well deserve it.

***caution: written out of pure rage and anger. May seem a bit harsh.

somebody wake me up...

2005-06-14T16:09:00.000+08:00

i was gonna write about what happened last week. I already knew what i wanted to say... and then i get here... and my mind just happens to draw a blank. I've repeated the story countless of times... and every time i do, i just happen to relive that night i keep wishing was all a dream.

It didn't have to happen.

the dawn of a new horizon

2005-05-27T15:30:00.000+08:00

For the past 3 and a half years i have been content with the people i surrounded myself with. Lost with the illusion that we were everything we all needed, we all became really close, and thought that this was it. The crew for life. As the years passed, people would come and go. The Crew would go through different phases but the core would more or less remain the same. It's all different now though. I think it's over. People change.

In 2 months, my gurls will be moving back home, away from the Philippines. I don't remember the last time i was struck with this much sadness... almost as if i was mourning for a life. Even though a promise to keep in touch and the intension of staying tight is there, the relationship just isn't the same when you don't see them on a regular basis. That's just the way it is.

I don't care what anyone says, gurls need girl friends. We just do. Guys are cool and all... but they're not gonna understand exactly what you're going through when you tell them "it's that time of the month" and "i'm just PMSing". Guys won't know what to say when you need to talk about the kind of makeup you wanna buy. Guys won't tolerate the topic of how "men suck" and how "they just don't understand" and "guys just never get it". Sure, a rare few of the male gender can do all that... a very rare few... but they just don't compare to your gurls.

Having my gurls sure as hell helped me when i found out i was having a baby... =)
(but that's a whole other story...)

I've spent the majority of my life having guys as my best friends. I could just relate to them better. I was never the girly kind of girl... I never really had all the gurly things to talk about til later on anyway. I started wearing makeup when i was 18 (seriously!). Before that, all i ever needed in my pocket was money and my chapstick. I didn't even carry a bag.

I went through a whole year once without any friends. I'm not even kidding. All my friends were out of the country and all the people i knew were just close aquaintances. This was that time when i went out every single freakin' night (mostly coz i was working at a club) and the only person i could really kick it with was my boss. hahah! so sad. I would chill with all these different people at night, but come day time... there wasn't really anyone there for me to hang out with.

One day (around 4 years ago) i met this group of people. They were all dancers. We all clicked in an instant. We stuck together ever since and even expanded through the years. That's when my gurls and i all got together. There was the 4 of us. We all used to be the non-girly types. We all related to dudes better which is why we all had more guy friends than gurl friends. We had a whole bunce in common but we were all very different. We were a quite a quad. Eventually 4 turned into 3, 3 into 2... and come July... i will be the last one left over here... doomed to start all over again.

So yeah, the Crew. We were a proud bunch. Walked everywhere with our heads held high. We all knew that if anything ever went down, we always had each others' backs. Mess with one of us, it's ON. We were under the impression that we were everything we all needed. BEing together was like feeling at home. We never kicked it with other people unless someone would bring a friend around to chill with us. It was never really talked about, but somehow it was almost like an unspoken rule. Nobody ever complained... we were happy with the way things worked. We were the Crew. I just don't think any of us ever anticipated what the future had in store for us...

I want to say that til this day everyone is happy and things work out like rainbows and dandelions. I want to say that we're tighter than ever and that the friendships made here are those made to cherish for a lifetime and beyond. I want to say that we are everything we ever needed & that being together feels like home. However, i can't... because i'm just not so sure anymore.

All these years, i've ignored my relationships with other people. I've denied myself the pleasure of getting to know everyone else around me. Burned by the past, i chose to stick around with the easiest option that was set before me. I never really thought of how long all this was gonna last... for a moment there, i forgot that life goes on for quite a while (i'd like to think so, anyway). People do change and sometimes they happen to move out of the country too. DuH!!! I've been quite naive...

So my gurl is leaving. . . i have no gurls. I feel kinda lost just thinking about it.

The Crew will always be "the crew". It's just different now. They're used to the way things are. Their lifestyle is how they like things to be. Whether it be my cup of tea or not, they are my friends. Drama is inevitable and things happen to get a bit rough sometimes... but that's just the way it is wherever you are. I'm just not sure if i'm ready for what's coming up next. What ever happened to the days when we went all out just for fun? Things were just so much easier then...

I'm expanding my horizons by changing my game a bit. I say the hell with routine and be a little bit more spontaneous for a change. Changes need to be made within myself and around me... i need it. I have to start busting out my extroverted conversational skills again and find out what everybody out there is up to nowadays. I don't wanna limit myself again. I don't wanna miss out on whatever good may be out there.

I may just wipe my slate clean and start all over again...

Davao * September 2003 * OUr last gig together. I hella miss my gurls.

Enchanted Kingdom * December 2002 * The original Crew * We call this "the OnE LuV days". Back when everything was all about having fun. Life was easy and everything was smooth sailing...

crazy predictable & mad routine

2005-05-17T14:56:00.000+08:00

There was a time when all i ever did was go out. Sure, it was routine... i did it day after day (even on Sundays), every week, for about a whole year (maybe even 2)... but it was never predictable. Never.

I've had my share of crazy, buckwild, & dumbass moments... i've experienced the insanity of being nocturnal and hardly ever sober. But what the hell is being a teenager all about if you can't experience any of that (or anything remotely close to it)... right? =) i just happened to start a lot earlier than your average teenager.

Maybe that's why at the age of 21... i think i may have passed my peak. I just can't get myself to go completely nuts anymore. I know i'm just being held back, but there's nothing (that i can think of at the moment) i can really do to change that. I'm over that phase. I'm really so over it. I think i've just been doing it for too long...

I went into hybernation for almost a full year and a half. The whole time i was living under a rock, i was under the impression that i was missing out on so much. I thought life was going on without me and i was missing out on all the fun. Finally, i start coming out again... only to the realization that not a thing has changed. It's almost like life was put on hold while i was away only to continue when i came back out. I don't think i really missed a thing (aside from Bora 2004, which i'm still kind of bitter about).

Life in the city is becoming monotonous... i'm getting bored. Clubbing everywhere you go is the same $#!+. The people, the freakin' music, the vibe... when did it stop being fun?

Everytime i go out, it's all too predictable and it's nothing but frustrating routine. Every single time. I know, i'm ranting... i'm practically whining... so why not just stay home, you ask? Because i need time away from the house and going out at night seems to be the only way i get to kick it with my friends.

4 years ago... we had something to do everyday. I'm not kidding. It was a vicious cycle that made up a weekly routine. The interesting part? It just wasn't predictable. Every night brought something new. There was always something interesting, something different going on. Another thing was that every time i went out, i'd meet someone new with a story to tell. Now, where did all that go?

I'm sure the way it is now is somewhat interesting to some people. I don't doubt for a minute that there are still people out there who still actually look forward to going out and have a blast every single time they do so. Hey, if it's new and they're having fun... good for them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I remember this one time, i ended up on a beach 12 hours away from Manila... in my clubbing clothes! =) We drove 12 hours across the Sierra Madre Mountain Range... from Porch (in Makati) to Baler (some beach faaaar away from here). The result of a dare. We left the city with nothing but the money in our pockets & the clothes on our back (but we did make one stop to someone's house to pick up a thing or two that we couldn't do without)at 6am. It was probably the most spontaneous thing i ever did my whole life. We even got stuck at some provincial town because the car broke down. I was sitting in the heat counting coins from a water container (someone's "i-just-quit-smoking-so-im-saving-my-change" type piggy bank) for a good 3 hours. We disappeared for 3 days... and we couldn't even tell anybody where we were at because the place where we went was so damn far we were out of range. So it was impossible to text or call anybody.

**I thought about it... and yeah, it was fun at the time... but for as long as you're living under your parents' roof, you tell them where you're gonna be and when you're expected to be back. Even though my parents didn't show it, i'm sure they were stricken with panic. I mean, foreal... i could've been kidnapped and killed for all they knew. I was M.I.A. for 3 whole days. Not cool.

So i'm considering going into hybernation again. Maybe i just need to give this whole clubbing thing a rest. Maybe eventually, i'll start to miss it again. It's not that i'm getting too old... i've just been doing this for too long. I just don't feel like it's for me anymore.

I noticed that clubbing nowadays isn't so much about having fun as it is about the "image". I say, "psh!".

crazy predictable & mad routine... clubbing is so overrated.

***so i tried to salvage whatever i could of what was erased from the so-called post i wrote yesterday. This was the best i could do. Out of frustration... i tried. But nothing beats an article written when you're in the zone... i just couldn't bring it back. *sigh*

!#$%^&*()_

2005-05-16T14:57:00.000+08:00

i just wrote this really long entry that took a really long time to write... and it was actually a serious topic... and for some god-forsaken reason it just all got erased...

now aint that a bitch?

yEheY

2005-05-13T17:43:00.000+08:00

CoNgRatuLatiOns to one of my bestest gurlfriends on the face of the planet, to her husband-to-be, and to their very own little princess coming in September. I love you GuRL. =)

***(i don't know if you've noticed... but i've been rambling on and on for the past few weeks about babies... nothing else but babies. haha! i can't help it. I'm sorry. I promise i'll write about something more interesting to the general public as soon as i feel like it. *hihi*)

***1. the happy couple 2.the little miracle ***

taken for granted...

2005-05-08T18:41:00.000+08:00

nobody really stops to think about this...
it's a tough 24 hour job. it doesn't pay. extremely loooong hours. most of the time unappreciated. a lot of times misunderstood. usually taken for granted. but somebody has to do it... and it's done... all in the name of love.

My parents told me when i was younger that i would never quite understand what they're going through until i have children of my own. I thought they were just talking gibberish... i didn't believe them. Seriously, i thought, "How hard could it possibly be?" Now i know. You can't quite explain it... there are no words to justify just how it really is, and what it's really like to be a parent. But when it happens... the transformation is miraculous.

I know i gave my parents hell when i was younger... but i think i've made up for it... even just a little bit. ;-) hehe

Parents deserve a medal. Hell, they deserve everything they want in the world. I bow down to single parents... i don't know how they do it... but they truly are heroes of the world.

I know they can be weird sometimes. Yeah, they ask you to do stuff that you'd rather not do. Sure, they can be judgemental and pushy. They can be intolerable and mean... but they only do it because they love you. Your best interest is always in mind. I know so... and i don't doubt that for one bit.

Happy MotHeR's DaY...
go do something sweet for your mommy... God knows she deserves it.

my lola, me, dylan, and my mom... that's 4 generations. =)

time really does fLy...

2005-05-04T16:16:00.000+08:00

HaPpY BiRthdaY DyLaN!!!
my seed, my inspiration, my motivation, my happiness, my relief, my joy, the #1 man & the love of my life... you truly are amazing. You never cease to inspire me. You make every day wonderful and life incredible. YOu're all that i live for... i love you. =)

It's been a year already. I can barely believe it. At this time last year, i was experiencing pain so severe & inconceivable to man. haha! i was yelling at people to look for the anesthesiologist who went missing. That was a year ago! And although i told myself that i would never forget that experience... i sit here now racking my brains to figure out how everthing played out and how it all felt that day... and to my surprise--- i can barely remember. Of course, it's really just the way it is. How else would women gather up enough courage to have more than one child? haha!

Finally, my life (slowly yet surely) has gotten back on track.

I danced (for an event) for the first time this past Saturday. It felt exactly like how it used to. It just sucked that the first event i had to perform at was barely packed... big fish can't throw hiphop parties... it just doesn't work. Either that, or the NBC tent is just jinxed when it comes to hiphop events. I just can't believe they tried to charge hiphop people 500 bucks each at the door. haha!

I've made an effort to keep in touch with friends and meet up every so often. I try to keep a life going separate from the one i know at home. Sure, i'm a mother, i have stuff to do at home and resposibilities to fullfill... but i need a life too.

I'm back to my original size... a few glitches here and there, but it's still okay. *hihi* Finally, i get to dress up again... the way i want to, with the clothes i want. It was haaaaaaaard trying to go out and feel great when i had to sqeeze myself into something i had to wear because i had no choice. I give mad props to ladies with bigger sizes and still manage to look good. It's not an easy task.

Dylan's officially a toddler... it's starting!!! haha! he's walking all over the place and it's cool... but it's tiring!!! i'm looking forward to seeing him run and at the same time, i'm not. haha! He's talkative and very mischievous... i gave birth to a wise guy. haha!

What the f*** is up with the weather, man? you think living in manila for 6 years, i'd get used to it... but damn! I think it gets worse every year. IT's sooooooooooo HOT! The weather is unbearable... i don't know what to do.

I've been going through some changes in the past few months... some bigger than others, some more serious than the last. It's never easy for me... and i have problem letting go of the past... but i know it has to be done. I have a lot of adjusting to do. It takes a lot more than trying to get used to it... i need the strength and the will power to keep up with what i've decided. I've made the decision... and i'm sticking to it.

I don't know why it's so hard to do the right thing.

well anyway... that's the way the cookie crumbles.
mommy loves you Dylan. =)
i may have forgotten a lot about the first time we met... but i'm never gonna forget the look on your face and those beautiful brown eyes. IT was love at first sight.

1-2 stEp

2005-04-27T11:16:00.000+08:00

BabyBoy DyLan is walking!!! =) *yAY*

I was the only one around to see it... so i couldn't celebrate with anybody. (boo...) I think i almost cried, but i managed to hold back the tears. (haha! dramatic mother)

I say, "It's about time!". Got me worried there for a bit... usually kids start walking at around 11 months or so... so why's Dylan only walking now? eh... i think he's just lazy. haha! naw, i'm playing. Hey, the books say kids start walking at 12-15 months (ofcourse, this is just me justifying the fact that my son may be a bit late when it comes to the mobility department).

I expected him to start walking at 9 months for all i knew! He did everything else earlier than expected, so why not walking, right? He's been running everytime he uses the walker... seeing that for the first time was pretty amazing. =)

My baby is officially not a baby anymore. =( aww... i'm gonna miss it. I'm gonna miss all the baby stuff...

stage 2: the toddler
oh boy, here i go...

a li'l afternoon swim... =)

planning his escape

ready to roll!

now & then

2005-04-22T18:15:00.000+08:00

in about a week and a half it will be exactly a year since the day Dylan came into my life. It will be almost 2 years since my life completely changed. So how different is everything in my life now compared to how it all used to be?

I've been doing a lot of thinking, rearranging, changing, and discovering. Life's been a bit weird the past 2-3 months. It seems to throw in the craziest things when you least expect it... which is ironic coz we should all know that by now but we never seem to do so.

I'm completely past the mourning stage. I'm over the life i left behind, the people who are no longer around, everything i used to do and the person i used to be. For a little while though, i tried to salvage what was left of the "old me" perhaps because i thought it was comfortable to remain as a person whom i already know so very well. Change is one of my biggest enemies. It scares me. It has traumatized me a few too many times. Time and time again, i have had to face it and get over it and deal with it. It's a viscious cycle, really.

Being a mother completely changes a person. I mean, completely (if they take it seriously, anyway). How can it not?! The transformation, the responsibility, the sacrifices that have to be made, and that tiny new person involved... there's no way nothing changes and one remains to be the exact same person she was before the whole baby ordeal.

It took some time... but i know now. There's no way to going back to the life i left behind. It's not like i want to... but there are some things about being young and spontaneous that i will definitely miss. I'm only 21... i grew up too fast. I feel like i'm past my crazy stage... and everyone says that was all meant for your 20's. Well... the beginning of my 20's was a different chapter in my life, alright... just not the one i thought it would be.

I believe in a parallel universe. Somewhere out there, there's another me living a life quite different from the one i know now. (kind of like the Jet Lee movie The ONe). There are almost dozens and hundreds of different stories of how my life "could have been". And it's going on right now... somewhere. I'm not crazy. Just phylosophical. =)

The difference of lifestlye from now and then never ceases to amaze me. the drastic changes i have experienced & my state of mind...

i just ran into a few people recently... they've known me since i was 10 years old, but i haven't seen them since i was 15. After asking me how i've been and listening to the 411... they were shocked, surprised, speechless, and awestruck. Not as if what's happened is a bad thing... more of--- highly unlikely (based on how i was back then).

***sorry... this entry was a mess. I think only i can understand it. It's been hard trying to gather my thoughts together lately... maybe i'll clean it up one of these days. This has been blabbering and gibberish... just so i could put it somewhere and get ish off my mind.

over and out.

frustration doesn't really do anything

2005-04-12T15:54:00.000+08:00

One of my bestest gurlfriends is getting married in July and she's having a baby in September. All this is happening in Canada and i'm so bummed i won't be able to be there...
it's frustrating...

I don't wanna elaborate on the main reason on why i'm so frustrated... it's so unfair... and i'm gonna get into trouble mentioning it.

arg! f@#n $#!+

HaPpY BiRthdaY!!! =)

2005-04-04T17:22:00.000+08:00

Dylan is turning 1 year old in exactly a month. =)
exactly a year ago... we were having his baby shower. =)
My baby's growing up... *sigh*

is that the same baby?

No official plans for his birthday party yet... but we're leaning towards a Sesame St. party coz he watches them everyday. It's so cute!!! The other day, they had a clapping song and Dylan was dancing and clapping along with them!! hahaha! This kid is growing up so fast.

Oh... and i'm back to my pre-pregnancy looking self. haha! Mission Accomplished! I just looked at a picture of myself from the babyshower last year... and i was freakin' massive. My sister says i looked like a whale. haha! But yeah... that's done and over with. I may have lost all the weight... but i have my battle scars to show off what i've been through. Whaddya know... i lost 63 pounds. Believe that.

rest and relaxation... at last!

2005-03-30T15:12:00.000+08:00

boracay 2005 (march 21-28)

finally... a vacation long overdue.
one whole week of rest, relaxation, no worries, no stress, and absolutely nothing to do.
i can't really get into detail about everything i did... but it was a great trip. Had a lot of time to think about stuff and figured out a few things for myself.

The first four days i was there, i did absolutely nothing. I tried to tan... i ate... slept... you know, the usual. I tried to get some color on my skin.

beautiful boracay sunsets... and me trying to be a photographer. haha!

Wednesday morning i hooked up with an old friend of mine. MAnila boy turned Boracay local, Reo. He introduced me to the other side of the island and the sport known as kite surfing. They got pros doing all sorts of tricks and what not on the water... they make it look easy. I didn't dare try it.

kite surfing school... on the non-partying side of the island

Most of the time i was there though, i didn't really do much. Which was the whole point of the vacation, right? I mean i'd walk to d'mall and look for "stuff" to buy or food to eat. I woke up everday at around 10am to catch the cocomangas free breakfast (that i would consider to be lunch) and then i'd have the barbeque things for dinner. I did that everday... pretty sad, right? but it was alright. =) haha! i had a good lunch every now and then.

official cocomangas beach bum

( i was sitting in this position about 60% of the time i was in boracay. haha!)

I was pretty much a roamer... none of my close friends had gone to Bora as early as i did... so i didn't really have anyone to hang out with. I was there with Mars and his co-workers... and since they were working most of the time, i didn't wanna get in the way. I was pretty sure i'd run into people if i walked around a bit... i mean, c'mon, the island's not that big. So i did... i'd walk around, and whoever i ran into, i'd hang out with.

kickin' it with the guys

that's DJ Apollo yo!!! =)

completely rocked the island Friday night

Finally, on Friday, my peoples arrived. =) the partying was crazy and we all had a good time. =)

1. pretty awesome group picture 2. soul sistaz... with a hangover. 3. crazy party people

I felt like i didn't stay in Boracay long enough... then again, that's what most people feel like when they get back to the city. It's a Bora aftershock type thing. =) I swear, i wanted to go watch a movie wearing tsinelas, board shorts a bikini and a sando over it. haha!

last day in Boracay... the weather was beautiful

Boracay from the plane... i'm just staring blankly at it.

agh... i miss it. whatever. what happened in BOra, stays in Bora...

officially the most interesting week of my life...

2005-03-19T21:26:00.000+08:00

thus far, anyway.
it's been a while since i've had weird encounters... and it took me so long to write about it... just because.

So at the night of my sister's surprise party, towards the end of the night, we're all just chilling outside. My sister facing a certain direction and i'm facing the opposite way, she says, "Hey, Thea... isn't that Frankie?" and i turned around and foreal, i think for a split second, my heart stopped. It was Frankie Callaghan... a guy i once knew back from Baguio, a guy included in some of the most memorable moments i have ever had in my entire life. I couldn't believe it.

The last time i had contact with anyone from there, or that circle of people i used to kick it with, was about 5 years ago. When i went up for Donni's graduation. So basically, the past just creeped up behind me and decided to give me a good kick in the gut. As shocking as it was... it was freakin' awesome.

AND THEN, i run into JOhn Nassr... yet another Brentonian from the life i had left behind way up in the mountains. We talked for a bit, did a little catching up... it was nice. =)

The next day, I headed over to greenbelt 3 for the Crew's usual Movie Night. I decided i wanted a Chai Latte from Coffee Bean and started to walk towards the cafe... just as soon as i hopped onto the escalator, i hear a chorus of people yell out "Thea!". I looked back, didn't recognize them, and thought that it was just the usual people i see every so often when i go out. I thought they could wait... i'd grab my coffee first, and then walk back the same way. ON my way back to the cinemas, that group of people didn't see me walking towards them... the closer i got, the more i realized that i didn't really know these people... so why the hell were they calling me? i walked closer, and just when i was about to pass them... i recognize one of them... and then the other... and the other... and the rest of them altogether. The night before was enough of a shock... but this incident just completely blew me away.

It was Ami Evangelista, Paw Subido, Joel Rivera, Patrick Nevada, and Frankie (again). Brent Baguio class of '98. =) I stayed and talked for a bit until they all had to go and i had to catch my movie... but it was really interesting seeing them all together again. =)

For some reason... i don't know why... i feel like i have unfinished business concerning the life i had up in Baguio. There was something i didn't do, couldn't do, or wasn't able to do... that i feel like i really missed out on something. Moving to Manila, i thought i left the "perfect" life behind. One more year could've been great... take me out the year after... but i felt as if the move we made, was something that was done too early.

I've been through a lot since then. I've changed a lot, i've met people, etc. etc. etc. But seeing these certain individuals again... and remembering how things used to be... made me feel like i was home. I'm not crazy. I (again) ran into some fellow Brentonians (Greg and Art) at Embassy (April 1) and Greg says he feels the same way. Us Brentonians are like a "Tribe" he says. haha! no matter how long it's been or how far apart we've drifted... when we meet again, it truly does feel like home. Just to make things clear, i'm talking about Brent Baguio... yeah...

So the interesting week turned out to be an interesting month. Originally, it started out as the most interesting "night"... turned into "weekend" and then "week"... and so there.

I got back from Boracay about a week ago. Yeah, exactly a week ago. The one and only vacation i've had in the past 2 years and it'll probably be that way for a while. It was quite an interesting vacation. I got to rest, party, meet people, and all that what not. I kinda miss it. But at the same time i was getting homesick coz i missed Dylan so much. So yeah, i'll write about that soon. Just editing some pics... it's taking me a while coz i need to go through about 400 pictures... haha! and everybody wants copies. I fully documented the whole trip. haha! i looked like a tourist. yuck!

k, gotta blaze.

i be sneaky like ninja...

2005-03-15T18:04:00.000+08:00

"SURPRISE!!!"
"HaPpY BiRtHdaY AiCa!!!" =)

(March 12, 2005)
The past week was stress. I swear, i thought i was losing hair over it. I'm one of those people that can't keep something exciting to myself (but i keep secrets pretty good)... it's just really annoying when i can't share it with anybody. Do you get what i mean?

So it's my sister's birthday today... today, she turned 18. The Big 1-8. Every other year before this one, all she ever did for her birthday was have dinner with her friends. By all means, there's nothing wrong with that, but it's her 18th birthday, and i wanted to make it special. On my 18th birthday, i had a party every day for about a week (which isn't unusual when you go out a lot), and for me... 17-19 was the peak of my "partying" phase.

So sneaky little me devised a plan to throw my sister a SuRpRisE BirtHdaY PaRty. I had planned to have it on a Saturday (so it's completely unexpected) and since most of her friends are still in high school, it would be more advisable to have it on a weekend when it's most likely they'll be allowed to go out. (Times have changed... highschool kids don't go as nuts as we used to be back in the day). I hooked up with her best friend on a Monday and planned everything out. So far, so good. I sent out an e-mail to all her friends. And since i was crazy PMSing that day, my e-mail sounded so intimidating... but i didn't care... i just wanted it to work.
You wanna see the invite? it looked something like this: (if you don't care, just skip it)

Ey y'all! This is Thea, Jamaica (or Aica, for most of you)'s sister. I'm planning a SURPRISE Birthday Party for her on March 12, 2005 @ Prince of Jaipur (at the FORT, right next to Embassy) that's this Saturday at around 10pm.

I'm gonna need your help, support, and most of all, your cooperation. Without you guys, this isn't gonna work. Please take some time to read the following and try to fully understand it. Thanks.

I'm planning on having it on a Saturday so it's completely unexpected. I know this is gonna mean a whole lot to her if we make this happen and if it really works. She's turning 18, and i know she's been looking forward to her 18th birthday for a really looooooong time. This is really important to her and i can't even stress it enough.

So here's the deal. I need ALL OF YOU to be there. Bring your friends, your friends' friends, i don't care, but i need all of you there. It's gonna be HipHop, R&B, Soul, and Funk the whole night. It's gonna be a really good party. Norah Jones is having her after party there, and there's gonna be a whole lot of party people in the scene--- honestly, it might be a little bit nuts. I don't need you guys to be there the whole night, but atleast drop by and be there even if it's just for the "SURPRISE"... that's the most important bit of it all.

I'm gonna take her out for dinner in the evening and pretend i gotta run to a meeting at Jaipur. I'm gonna leave her behind with a friend (you know who you are), and then they'll follow to Jaipur afterwards. I'm gonna be there to organize the whole "surprise" bit... so i'm gonna be waiting for all of you. I need you guys there at 10:00pm ON THE DOT. We need to do it as early as possible because we have to get it done before the NOraH JoNes after party starts... because by the time the party starts, it'll be waaaay too nuts to pull off the surprise. Aryt?

Okay... this is where your participation (aside from cooperation) kicks in. I need y'all to do the following:
BRING A GIFT: I don't need it to be massive, huge, or expensive... just a little something you can give her. It's her 18th birthday... so think of it as a debut kinda thing. Just a few rules: NO BULLSHIT GIFTS like pillows, stuffed animals, or useless things that you know she'll never use. oh, and don't get her jewelry... she can make her own. get her something useful. For those of you willing to spend for it a little bit--- she'd love to receive and IpoD (haha), some CDs (the list, yet to come), Clothing (like a rocker shirt or something), or something "rockerish". If you're not willing to spend so much on it, atleast make it sentimental or something. It's only gonna happen once, so please just think about it and make it special. It's her dream to have a party with presents waiting for her to be opened... (aww... DON'T TELL HER I TOLD YOU THIS)
BE ON TIME: you know how this goes... if nobody's there to yell at her, "surprise", it's gonna be one crappy-ass "surprise party". So please... be there by 10pm.
WRITE HER A LITTLE SOMETHING: There's gonna be a notebook or a scrapbook being passed around. Put a picture on it, make a collage, and write her something as if it were "roasting" her. I don't want none of that bullshit "Happy birthday, god bless, take care, have a good year, thanks for being a friend" type of ish, okay? I need you to say a LITTLE something about her, and make it meaningful. Put in an inside joke or something.... put SOMETHING in there, okay? i want it to be like a giant card. IT's a SCRAPBOOK... not a CRAPbook.
this one isn't 100% sure yet but bring a bottle of alcohol. I'm not sure about this because they MIGHT charge for corkage and i don't know how much that's gonna be. I'll let you know at the last minute... it's not that hard anyway, you can get it on the way there, right? Preferably Malibu, Baileys, Tequila Rose (all the gurly ish... haha!) and if you wanna get drunk... there are lotsa cheap drinks--- at the BAR.
We're doing this party international style. It's not the celebrant who shows everybody a good time... IT's EVERYONE who shows the celebrant a good time. You get it? I don't understand the Filipino mentality, "Birthday mo?! Libre ka!" i mean, DUDE! It's MY frikin' bday... buy ME a frikin' drink. I know you're all feeling me on this one. (okay, now i'm just blabbing)
Okay, i think i've said my piece and done all that i can really do. The rest is all up to you now. I'm counting on all of you to make this special for my sister. I know how much friendships mean to her and this would mean the world to her.
This is only gonna happen once. I just need this to happen perfectly, just once. So please try your best to make this happen.
Thanks guys. Hopefully, i'll see you all there. =)
PS: For those of you who need a little bit more persuasion to make it over there... there's gonna be a LOT of Hot Guys and a LOT of good looking ladies. haha! no Bullshit. There's gonna be drinks and good music too!!! JUST GO dammit!!! Thanks! =)
much LuV, --*ThEa*--

haha! whatever... i thought it was funny.

So my plan for her on Saturday was, we were gonna have a sorta "Aix and Thea's Day of Fun". haha! We started at around 3:30pm and headed to rockwell. I wanted to take her shopping. Dude, what is up with the taxi music?! Foreal? they played some dumb song about a basketball... and i know that's not what they were talking about (k, i'm swaying off topic).

yea, it's me & aix in a cab listening to their dumb music... haha!

After we finished looking around rockwell, we headed to Glorietta (where yet again, they were playing dumbass taxi music... it drives me up the walls). We had more shopping to do... i booked an appointment for us at the nail salon, but that wasn't til 7pm, so i had to stall a bit. It was cool... we had lots of time to go around and look for stuff.

We didn't find anything great... but we did go to Landmark and headed for the little boys section where i found a really cool mesh top... for myself, not for Dylan. haha! (no, i didn't take a picture)

Anyway, we headed to the nail salon and got our nails done. So pretty!!! =) everything was going great, falling right into place, all in schedule and what not. We headed to dinner after (Mars picked us up).

just got her nails done. Work of Art on a tiny canvas...

Aix wanted Italian, so we planned to have dinner at Pasto (the Fort) which was so convenient...

I chose Mars to have dinner with us coz for the past 2 years, everytime i took her out for her birthday dinner, it was always with Mars. So to make it less obvious, i did the same thing again this year... so nothing looked suspiscious or out of the norm. Pretty slick, right? By this time, my heart was pounding and i was getting mad nervous. I didn't know if people were gonna show up on time or if the setup was gonna get done on time or whatever. I was just nervous because of the fact that i didn't know whether i was gonna pull this off perfectly or not at all.

Dinner seemed like forever and right after, as soon as, i finish my meal, my phone beaps and it's her friends saying that they were already at the venue ready to set up but the manager wouldn't let them in.

We were having the party at The Prince Of Jaipur (at the Fort) and the Norah Jones after party was gonna be there too at the same night, so they were being really strict. However, i had talked to the owner and had arrangements already... but my sisters' friends didn't know what to do and i didn't wanna leave them there by themselves hanging.

I ditch my sister with Mars. haha! headed to Jaipur, worked my magic, set up, and everything was in place. All that was left was for the rest of her friends to show up...

Norah Jones "party" had reserved the whole entire 2nd floor. I had the balcony for my sister's surprise, but they said we had to be out of there by 10pm coz they had to set up and get ready for Norah Jones. I told em it would only take 2 minutes for the surprise and then we would transfer downstairs to our reserved tables. It was gonna be quick... so i thought.

10:15pm and half her friends still haven't arrived. I was nervous as hell and i had ditched Aix an hour and 15minutes... and still counting. I full on ditched. Told her i had to go to a meeting at Jaipur for something... and just left. She completely understood... but i felt bad for leaving her for so long. I didn't know whether she was getting suspiscious or anything.

Then the manager comes up to me and tells me that we really had to leave because the Norah Jones Party was gonna be arriving earlier than expected. I didn't have a choice--- i texted my sister saying "The meeting is taking too long. Just come over. It's nothing confidential anyway." I told the manager i just needed 5 more minutes and i was nervous as hell. I so wanted it to work.

Finally, people arrived, the set up was perfect... the cakes were in one table, the presents on another and ALL her friends bunched up in the middle... i met Aix at the bottom of the stairs, walked her up to the balcony, and BaM!! "SuRpRiSE!!!"

She totally didn't expect it... and she cried!!! =) and I cried!!! haha!

The night went on... and it was just pure FuN. I was high on happiness the whole night. =) Aix was happy and that was all that really mattered.

*PhEw* glad that's done and over with.

HapPy 18th BirthDaY Aix. I LuV yOu! =)

the DaNciNg BuG

2005-03-15T17:57:00.000+08:00

"i'm back in full effect"

...well, atleast i'd like to think so.
It took a while for me to get back into it... and no, it wasn't as easy as riding a bike. I knew i "kinda" had it in me, but it was just hard getting back into it the way i used to do it. I had my excuses. I was shy to begin with, a bit insecure... but once all that got outa the way, and i started not to care again... it was all good. =)

It felt kinda funny hearing it from everyone... everybody saying, "the old Thea is back." What does that really mean? Besides, am i really the "old Thea"?

I think i've been thinking too much the past few weeks... been getting into a lot of the deep issues too.

hmm... i wonder what's going on in this head of mine...

yea... the dancing bug is back. haha!

milestones

2005-03-11T16:39:00.000+08:00

Every person has their own story. Each unique individual has gone through a certain something that they can certainly claim as "theirs". People meet other people all the time... new bonds are formed every single day... but people who form a milestone in your life--- those don't come around everyday.

Do you ever have a feeling that you were meant to meet the people in your life for a purpose? Do you believe in Destiny? That your whole life has been written out for you and you're only living this life as if you were playing out a part, following the script of a play? Maybe not entirely, right? but in a way, just kinda?

For me, the chapters in my life and the different phases that i've gone through are categorized by the people who were in my life at the time (well, most of the time, anyway). It sort of goes something like this:
"remember back in the day when 'so-and-so' happened and 'whoever' was there too?''
Is it just me... am i making any sense?

Sometimes it's hard to let the people in your life just go. It's hard to leave the past behind, move forward, look into the future, and it's definitely hard to let go of relationships, that for a moment in time, meant the whole world to you. But sometimes... that moment... those months/weeks/days/years/hours/minutes... maybe that's all you really get.

It would be nice to believe that fairy tales do come true... and your "friends forever"... do remain your friends forever. But the matter of the fact is... people change, everything changes. Sometimes, the best thing to do, or even the only thing to do is let go.

It'll be painful, it's gonna be hard, it'll be sad... but in time, it will heal. Things always gets better. Sometimes the hardest things that come your way in life happen to be the best for you.

"Don't fight life... life always wins."

Denial just makes things worse. What tends to happen is--- you build yourself up for an awful let down and things end up shittier than how it started. The faster you realize the truth, the earlier you face it... the easier it is, and the better.

Look, i'm no expert... but i've gone through enough pain, heartbreak, loss, and depression to know even 80% of what i'm talking about. I'm not doing this for anyone. I'm just trying to clear things up for myself. It's been an awkward week or so for me... i'm in a state of "i kinda don't know where i am and what i'm doing".

When you've been in a relationship for so long... things tend to change. You get used to routines, certain circumstances change you... and sometimes you just kinda lose yourself. 3 long years, i have come to realize, completely changed me. I don't know who i really am. I was spoiled rotten and became somewhat dependent. That wasn't who i used to be and that's not who i want to be. I feel as if i was trapped for so long in a certain environment with only so much... and then all of a sudden i'm let out into the world... and i don't know what to do.

So this is it. I'm starting from rock bottom. I needed this... not for anything in particular. Just for me.

"it's jus one of 'em dayz..."

2005-03-09T17:52:00.000+08:00

what am i supposed to say? "The end of an Era"? "A new beginning"? "A new chapter"? The list could go on and on... one cliche after another. You've heard it once, you know it all. There's just no other way to put it... and i just don't know what to say about it.

3 years is a long time. A damn long time. "Change is inevitable"... need i say more?
I'm not posting this up on here to hurt/offend anyone in particular... and i know you know that. I don't understand why it's so much easier for me to write things down rather than just say it right out. However, for some reason, i can't even begin to comprehend... i've been able to say what i wanted and needed to say for so long (and speak clearly, and say exactly what's on my mind, straight up, for that matter)... and that's hardly ever happened before.

I used to drown in guilt. I used to be obliged to be in something i no longer had my heart in. Not only is that wrong... but it's unfair. Not necessarily to me... but to him.

What the hell is love anyway? What the hell is a commitment? If you love each other unconditionally, and you're there for each other, isn't that enough? What makes a relationship, and what makes a relationship "work"? Why do we crave for that "special someone" to sweep us off our feet and together, for the rest of our lives, live happily ever after?! Why, oh why, does it have to be this way?

So many questions... and the answers are just all over the place. I so needa vent...

(to be continued?)

RaNdom NonSenSe that i just feel like i want to babble on about...

2005-03-01T13:45:00.000+08:00

The past month has opened my eyes. The window of opportunity just flung itself open and i just couldn't help but take that ticket and jump right out. It's been such a crazy month, i've practically lost track of time and can hardly even believe that it's March already. That's the third month this year!!! and i feel like we only celebrated New Years last week!

work
Things are really starting to look up. I've done the dancing, the dj thing, the PR ish, and the whole getting paid to party. It totally rocked because i was getting to paid to do everything i loved to do and hang out with all my best buds all at the same time. It was one of the best times of my life... but in my opinion... seriously speaking, and looking at things realistically, the chances of me going back to that are nearly slim to nil (Unless of course the pay is double-triple of what it used to be).
I make jewelry now. Yea, i'll just put it that way... plain and simple. I make jewelry. It started as a hobby because i couldn't find anything i liked out there and it was so much easier to make it myself. It was introduced to me by my boyfriend's mother (i wouldn't dare say "mother-in-law) when i was pregnant. Being a bum in the house and i had completely nothing to do, the whole jewelry making thing was perfect.
Somehow it just took over all on it's own. I started wearing my stuff... people liked it, asked me where i got it, told em i made, they ordered it, i sold it. That's that. Now, it's doing so well... i don't really know how to handle it. I can't possibly make all the orders all by myself. People are asking me to come up with a name for my stuff... and all that comes through my brain is just a blank. So far, i've sold my stuff to my buddies and my gurls... most of them do a lot of gigs so my "creations" get a lot of exposure. I have my homegurl Sarah Meier rocking a necklace, my bro Brent Javier, and my buddy Greg Martin modeling my ish for me (haha!) and the gurls from Haylo and Hotlegs keep asking me to keep the accessories coming. It's overwhelming, it's tiring, but it's fulfilling, and it's great! =)
It's nice to know that people appreciate my work. It's a huge compliment to me when i just see 'em light up when they see my stuff. I love it! As draining as it is, it makes me happy knowing that i'm doing something for myself, all on my own (with the help of my ever-loving sister, of course), and it's working out nicely.
The only hard part is... when i make something that i absolutely love and adore... it's hard to part with it. I'd like to keep it... but i know i need the money. And i refuse to make doubles. I can't work like that. I feel like everyone is entitled to their own personality and identity, therefore each piece is unique. I know i can't do that for long... because it's bad for business and blah blah blah... but that's how it's gonna be for as long as i can keep it that way. I try to match the accessory to the person i have it in mind for... i want people to be like, "Oh my God! That is so (name of person here)!" YOu know what i mean, right?
And selling a piece that i absolutely love... and especially when i worked sooooo hard on it... it's really difficult to let it go. It's like giving away my babies. (ok, getting dramatic here... it's not that bad, but you get the picture right?)
So that's the 411 on the biZneSs part of my life. IF you have any ideas for a name or have any comments... please feel free. I'll take all the advice, comments, or even harsh criticicm anyone is willing to give me. =)
Oh, and i'm thinking i wanna just practice spinning again... just for the hell of it. As surprising and as weird as it may seem... i really miss it.
And as for the dancing... it's not as easy as riding a bike... but i'm getting there. I'm earning my stripes back rather quick... but a little more time and then i can fully say, "I'm back in full effect." =) (If you've seen me kick it with my gurls at Embassy... then you'll know what i mean)

just for fun
Another thing i gotta talk about... Embassy. I gotta talk about this. Finally, they open up a club again where the main purpose for people (well, us, anyway--- meaning my crew) is to dance. None of that "to be seen" shit or "dress to impress" kinda crap... it's all in the name of fun. However, we still get a few of those previously mentioned on the line above, but really, you can't avoid that.
What is up with the people who can't stop staring at themselves in the mirror no matter what it is they're doing?!?! Be it dancing (are you in dance class?), sipping from a drink, making beso?!?!, or just sitting or anything for that matter. It's cool to check yourself out every now and then... but seriously... complete vanity or just plain insecurity? please... go the the washroom or something... you look fine already (either that, or "You're not that pretty...c'mon.")
okay, i'm being harsh. gotta stop now.
Okay, drinking. I was liquor free for about a year... and because of that, my friends take great pleasure in taking advantage of my low tolerance and my healthy kidney. I'm sad to report that i have once again experienced that not-so-great feeling of being utterly sick to my stomach, i had to yack it out. It's nice to know that people are trying to bring the old days back and are striving to make the party scene as "happening" as it used to be... but getting me wasted doesn't do the social scene any good. So quit it with me. I like a steady buzz... so when i say, "I'm good" just take my word for it and quit trying to stuff tequila down my throat. Thanks.

the love of my life
i'm talking about the little one. The 10 month old who's malikot, noisy, and smelly. Yes, i absolutely love him to bits and pieces. He's got 7 teeth!!! count it!! seven!! Ugh... he's growing up so fast. In two months he'll be ONE. He's loving the walker and even runs when he's on it. He's gonna be walking soon... and i swear, when that moment comes, i'm gonna cry. He said "Dada" to his dad the other day, and i cried. Seriously, either i was just crazy PMSing or the whole pregnancy and giving birth thing just made me 10x more sensitive than i used to be. I cry about everything now... it's crazy.
So Dylan is doing so well. I'm so proud of him and i love him so much! He's happy, healthy, and loving life... every single moment of it.
My whole family is struggling just passing him around during the day... that's how energetic he is... all that energy from such a small child, it's amazing! Which is why we all live for NAP times... =) hehe

hmm... so much more to talk about, not enough time. I have to go to a dinner now.
Maybe i'll continue this some other time.
paySH! =p

rusty knees

2005-01-13T16:55:00.000+08:00

I used to dance. It was the love of my life. It was my passion. Anything and everything about it made me happy. Dancing brought me to my "happy place". It made life easier for me... dancing was my exit, from a world i no longer wanted to be in. I met some of my closest friends through dancing. yea... i used to dance.

I've been going out quite a bit for the past few weeks. I make it a point to take a break every now and then. It's always good to sit back and relax a little bit. I've been to about 4 events and a few more nights out. It's just not the same. Not just the people, or the music, it's the feeling of being out that i don't get. The atmosphere is a given, it will never again be like how it used to be. But i thought at the least, that feeling would still be there.

I was one of those people who danced anytime, anywhere. I'd be walking in the mall, and if i passed a store playing music really loud, i'd start to dance. No joke. Ask my sister. While some people sing in the shower, i used to dance in the shower. I used to dance while i'd be getting dressed. I used to dance on the way to the car. I used to dance (well bounce and my head would dance) while chewing my food. I'm not even playing, it was soooo bad, i used to dance in my head to get myself to sleep. Borderline psycho, right?

When i was pregnant (oh no, here we go again), i gained 60 pounds. When i hit the 25-30 pound weight gain mark, it made it almost impossible to dance anytime, anywhere. I mean it was almost impossible to stand for me, what more stand and move at the same time. Try carrying 30-60 pounds worth of weights and let me know how you feel (a bit disgusting, right?) haha! I would try to bounce every now and then... but it just wasn't the same. That was that... i just flat out stopped dancing.

It's not the same dancing by yourself in a room too. It feels different when you're out there, with tons of people, other dancers going buckwild, and music blasting out loud. The energy, the intensity, and the vibe is just something else.

I went to an event a few weeks ago at the THX place on Mile Long... and it was the first event i had been to since i stopped going out. The last time i really danced was Nov. 22, 2003. So after a year of doing almost next to nothing (aside from the fact that i grew a baby inside of me and gave birth soon after), i was a bit rusty. I knew i wanted to dance, i felt like i wanted to dance, i could even swear i almost thought i was dancing... but really, i couldn't. I couldn't dance. My legs just wouldn't do it. I had rusty knees.

Everytime i feel like dancing, my legs wont allow it.

Everyone says it's like riding a bike... you never really forget how. But for me, it's different. It's just hard to get back into the groove.

One day, it'll come back. I know it. It'll start up again... i'll give it a little bit more time.
I really really really miss it though. It's just so not me to stand still and do nothing.

in life, change is inevitable...

2005-01-13T16:28:00.000+08:00

"The party animals of yesterday, the mommys of today"... =)
this is JOaNnE, AyCs, & mE @ WhErELse... just like how it used to be waaaaay back in the day.

Hey, we're all happy. We've got our little angels to take care of, the loves of our lives. Things may have changed, but this is the happiest we've ever been. =)

That night really brought back memories. Wherelese was open for just one night. I used to be there every Wednesday night (HyPE WednesDaYz!!!) for almost 4 years straight... no fail. And then Porch after. haha! It was a vicious cycle. Back then, it was all about having fun.

Wow, how things have changed...

my sincerest apologies...

2005-01-06T16:33:00.000+08:00

my last post was a mess. I couldn't think straight, my mind wasn't making any sense, and i couldn't structure an acceptable sentence. haha! argH! I don't know... i can't seem to write.

I have nothing to write about... or MAybe... there's just nothing i'd want to write about. It seems that the things i wanna put down in writing are either too harsh to post up (for all the world to see) or just too personal and deep that i wouldn't want it to be up here in the first place. But what is this for then? ... right?

It just so happens that when i'm not on-line i think of a million things to write about. Tons of topics i wanna cover, hundreds of stories i'd like to share, but when the time comes, and i'm sitting in front of the computer, and i'm ready to do my thing... *wHooSh* a complete space out. Writers Block (if i can even call it that).

what am i to do?

it's been one HeLLuvA year...

2004-12-30T16:38:00.000+08:00

If i was told years ago that my life would be the way it is now... i would've laughed in that person's face, brushed that comment aside, and have forgotten about it and thought nothing of it in an instant. I'm sure of it. I never thought this is what 2004 would've been like for me... never. But i'm not complaining... nothing but good has come from it and i'm happier than i have ever been my whole life...

What can i say? It's difinitely been one of a kind.

*January 16, 2004... i found out i was having a baby boy.
*May 4, 2004... Dylan came into my life and i experienced love and happiness like never before.
*December 26, 2004... Dylan got a front tooth for Christmas... haha! (total cornball here, but thinking it to myself, it seemed really funny at the time!)

I remember when i was younger, the thought of being a mother and giving birth would scare the living shit out of me. Horror stories from parents and giving birth scenes from movies didn't help either. I once told myself that i would turn into a nun, just so i wouldn't have to go through it. (haha! frickin' weirdo! not that there's anything wrong with being a nun... )

I look at how far i've come and i really can't believe i'm actually doing this... being a mom is amazing and having that little someone love and adore you is priceless!!! =) I can't even begin to explain how it feels. Having Dylan and being his mom has made me feel complete.

This was my year of starting out as a mom so there's really nothing else for me to talk about. I devoted all my time and energy to Dylan. I'm glad i did too... because he's growing up so fast i can hardly keep up. There are things that need to be written down onto his baby book that i keep on forgetting to do. We have to start baby proofing the house and start thinking that there's a possibility that he could seriously hurt himself (this morning, it was all my fault, Dylan started choking on a piece of celophane... if that's even how it's spelled. To my horror, it wasn't even reachable anymore!!! It was a good thing that babies have a really good gagging reflex... Dylan managed to vomit it out. He's never playing with wrapper like that ever again. Or so i said, because later that morning, he swallowed a piece of cardboard, thanks to Aix! *ahem*) Okay, swaying off topic here...

I feel like he's not a baby anymore... He's standing, and crawling, and starting to think like a real person (you know what i mean). He has facial expressions for every emotion, his face is starting to look different coz his teeth are coming out, he has a head full of curly hair, and he's drinking 8 ounces of milk!!! My baby is turning into a kid... like a toddler kid who does stuff and gets hurt and smells. I miss the baby... i'm totally kidding! I'm loving watching Dylan turn into a toddler. It's sooooo exciting... it's just that i feel like i don't have a baby anymore even though i know he's gonna be my baby forever. haha! Okay, sounding like a conrball mother here...
2005--- Dylan is turning 1 this year. We have a lot to look forward to. =)

I started working when i was 17. I made 500 bucks a night and i thought i was rich! haha! Over worked and underpaid, i didn't give a shit coz i was having crazy fun. =) I haven't gotten an allowance from my parents in 5 years. I've even been supporting my family with everything that i've been doing... so not having a job is really hard for me. This past year was the first time in so long that i had to be dependent on someone else for my funds... and it sucked... hardcore. I can't stand it. So now, i'm starting work again, and it's cool. =) Something different, but i'm gonna try it out and it pays anyway... so why the hell not, right?
Working was what got me through the last 5 years of my life. Because of it, i met my bestest friends, i travelled all over the Philippines (FOR FREE!!! which makes the travelling even better!), I helped out my family, and the opportunities that i got and everything i went through was simply spectacular. Overwhelming and breath taking. My life has been amazing and i really cannot complain. Well, i shouldn't anyway... hehe!

I have never been in a serious relationship prior to the one i'm in right now. Before this, the longest relationship i ever had was 10 solid months... and that was high school. haha! I've never really been one to commit for so long... i was so the independent type that tying me down with someone would be the equivalent of strangling me underwater. Mars and i have been together for over 2 years... and before this, it was a month by month kinda thing. And i never really broke up with any of my exes... we always had to end our relationship because they had to leave for somewhere not in the Philippines (and why i'm even writing about this, i don't know).
Anyway, being in a relationship simply just for the two-some, just a couple, just him/her and you is completely different from being in a relationship as parents. When there's that little someone involved, roles evolve and the relationship changes. Well, that's what i think. For me, the love was put aside to raise our child... more than ever, we needed to work as a team, and we really really really needed to work as partners. I'm not gonna sit here and tell the world that i'm in the fairy tale relationship where my prince saves the day, sweeps me off my feet, and we live happily-ever-after. Nope. It has been hard. This has been the best realtionship of my life, and at the same time, the hardest motherf***ing thing i've ever had to endure. It's been quite difficult, just to be honest. And how we've managed to work it out and get this far together, still surprises even me. It must really be the love, if anything else.

My family has always been my rock. Always. But that didn't really prove itself or mean anything as much as it has this past year. The constant support, love, and encouragement they have never failed to give me made this past year easier than what it would've been like without them. I will forever be thankful for the family i've been put in. I love em! =) And the little addition to our family has made everything even better.

So the past year i've been living under a rock. I can count the number of times i've been out with one hand... and the times i've been out that has really been eventful... just one. The nightlife in Manila is pathetic... far from what it used to be. Sad. Maybe everybody just grew out of it. The people are different, the vibe is different... the only thing that's the same is the frickin' music. haha! i'm kidding. No, it's changed quite a bit, but it's still nothing great. They're trying to bring old school back, so that's cool. But if they play that shit all the time, everywhere, no doubt people will start getting sick of it too. This place needs variety!! In everything! Clothing, Identitites, Music, People!! (i'm going off topic again...)
Anyway, i might start going back out again... just so i can get a life! No, but i do need an occassional baby break. I need to communicate with people my age too! And i can't go out just to work out or just work. I need a break too. And that doesn't make me an evil parent. Knowing that Dylan is in good hands make it even better for me too. I can actually sit back and relax! =)
But don't get me wrong... i know my limit. I have responsibilities so i'm not gonna go nuts like how it used to be... i know that! *psh* Please bring dancing back! Nobody dances anymore! People should really start doing that again... so i can go out and get a work out at the same time! haha! Seriously though... that's how i used to keep the weight off. Something i desperately need to do now...

Whatever. I've just been blabbing... I can't think straight.
In a nutshell: It's been a great year. I'm just hoping the next year will bring more good fortune and a shitload of happiness. =)
If i think of anything worth writing, i'll just add it on...

Have a KiCkAss NeW YeAr!!! *wOoP wOop*

problem child 4

2004-12-14T16:09:00.000+08:00

I think i've had it with trying to be the supportive, giving, miss-goody-two-shoes of the family. I'm serious. I might not feel this way in a day or two, but i don't care--- i wanna be heard! This is gonna be one major venting session.

All i really want is a sign of a tad bit of appreciation. I don't need anyone to give me anything in return. I don't need to be given back anything. I don't need to be repaid (although i wouldn't mind it either). I don't need anyone to suck up to me and act nice because i've done something generous and what-not. A simple thank you will do and showing that what i've done has been greatly appreciated will be satisfying enough.

To be straight up honest, i'm talking about my little brother. God knows i love him and to an extent i understand why he is how he is... but i've had it! No matter how much i give to him, even if i get him anything he wants all the time, and i let everything he does slide, i still don't sense an ounce of gratitude. He doesnt' say thank you. He can't even hold open doors. He refuses to share (or when he does, which is extremely rare, he feels horrible about it and gets extremely upset). He's 11 years old, okay, i get that. But a 6 year old understands when it's appropriate to say thanks. All i'm asking for is a little consideration and a bit of appreciation. Otherwise, what the hell am i doing all this for? I will not be taken for granted. Why do i even do it? If all it does is encourage him to continue acting the way he is, then forget about it. I'd rather not. If it supports the idea that he can get what he want by simply asking for it and then act like a brat after and get away with it... hell no! He needs to learn manners, discipline, being considerate, and appreciative of what he has. It annoys me that he can get away with what he wants and is rewarded for being rude.

It used to be--- I want to do it, because making them happy makes me happy. It's still true... but when it turns them sour, it makes me unhappy. And when i feel like what i'm doing is not doing them any good, it makes me feel horrible. I feel like maybe he's taking advantage of me. Maybe all he's really after is getting what he wants and it all ends there. Does he even care that it takes a lot out of me and that it's not easy spending on everything he wants? I do have a little someone who has a lot of needs... i could save all my money for him and say "fuck eveyone else, i have my needs, i have someone else to support, i'm keeping all this to myself". I could do that if i wanted to... but i don't because i care. I wanna make everyone happy... it makes me feel good and it makes me really happy. But when i don't feel good about it anymore... then something's wrong and something has to be done. I'm sorry... but that's really how it is... and i feel miserable about how he's treating me. Downright miserable.

To make it clear, i don't think it's my parents' fault. If you know Gio, he just is how he is because he is. He's stubborn and proud like that, because he just is. It's hard to teach him things, and it's almost impossible to correct him. But in fairness, he's not all bad and he's not the capital brat of the world (although at times, i feel like he could be). He can be thoughtful and sweet. I feel like he's skitzo sometimes. In a split second he'll turn into the sweetest little angel, a Godsend from heaven to the devil himself straight from hell. I don't understand it.

Most of the time, i let him go. I let him be how he is because i know it's just his personality, that's the way he is, and there's no way you can change that. But seriously, i can only put up with so much... and i don't want him acting like a stuck up brat. It irritates me, i get so agitated, it upsets me, and what more, it truly breaks my heart. It's just disappointing. *ARgH*

Right now, i'm in non-talking terms with him. He refuses to be considerate and is too proud to admit it and doesn't wanna apologize. All i'm asking for is a little consideration and a tad bit of appreciation. When that gets through his head, maybe i'll consider to having everything go back to the way it used to be. But he's getting nothing from me. Not to be mean, but he needs to learn his lesson. I already bought his Xmas present (drats!), it was damn expensive and now he says it's not what he wants (mother******). Whatever, if he doesn't want it, i'll store it in a closet and i know Dylan will wanna play with it when he's old enough. So there.

Blah... i sound like a parent.

...it's child abuse

2004-12-10T16:26:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, MArs and i brought Dylan to a photo shoot. Someone spotted him at a football game last Saturday and asked us if he could pose for them for an art exhibit they're doing. They said he was adorable, friendly, well behaved, and he was exactly what they were looking for. I thought it would be great to do so i accepted the offer.

meeting time was 6:00pm. We were there on the dot. I wanted to be professional about the whole thing so i made sure that we were there on time. He was posing with Nancy Castilogne (or however you spell her name). It was supposed to be a mother and child type theme. Soon afterwards, the makeup and hair person arrived. Everyone was late... and it took them forever to get Nancy done up. The whole time, Dylan was awake. He was so excited about being in a new place and being surrounded by so many new people that he couldn't take a nap. The bad thing was that he woke up early and went to the doctor in the morning. He slept for 2 hours when we got home. When he woke up at 2pm, the only nap he had since was in the car on the way to the studio which lasted less than 20 minutes. Shooting started at 9:00pm. 3 whole freakin' hours after we arrived there. He hadn't taken a nap and he was playing the whole afternoon. By the time everyone was ready for the photo shoot to start Dylan was exhausted. They had a few good pictures taken but after a while Dylan started getting upset. He was also in the buff so the fabric of Nancy's outfit was bothering him. He would start crying everytime she would carry him... i felt so bad. He looked like he just didn't wanna be there anymore. At the end of the shoot, they handed him back to me, and Dylan was upset. I could sense that he was unhappy with the whole thing and he started whining like he was yelling at me in baby talk. We dressed him up and we were out of there in a hurry. On our way out, Mars and i promised he'd never have to do that again.

He knocked out immediately in the car. He was so tired.

It was hard for me to watch Dylan get so upset over something and i couldn't "rescue" him. Everytime i wanted to go get him they would tell me to just hold on for a few minutes so they could take a few pictures. Is it possible for a baby to develope trauma over something like this?

I know it's hard to work with babies. Their pictures may come out cute and wonderful but the process of getting that picture taken is a lot of hard work. Set up, makeup, the waiting, the flashes, the hours, so on and so forth. Unless the baby has a nack for modeling at the age of 7 months (or any age below 7 years old), i think it's torture to have a kid go through that.

It's hideous. This whole child exploitation thing. Parents trying to make money off their kids. It's cool if the kid is down for it... but if he/she is not, don't push it. I've seen it on tv... little girls being forced by their moms to join those dumb pageants even when it's obvious they don't wanna do it. It's evil.

I'm not saying i'm 100% against it or it's downright disgusting. If the kid has natural talent for it, if it's what he/she wants to do, and if they don't mind, then by all means, exploit away. But don't push it when they tell you they don't wanna do it. If they'd rather go out and play instead of hang out in a studio and wait for hours to do something they're not comfortable with, then let them... right? And there's a difference between pushing a kid to play the piano and pushing them to start a career at an early and sensitive age in their life.

So i apologize to Dylan for having him go through that. Now we know...

FiLiPiNo time

2004-12-08T15:36:00.000+08:00

There's this thing known as "Filipino Time". It means running late, being late, a later time, not on time, so on and so forth, you get what i mean. And as much as i love being Pinoy (i really do), and i love a lot of the values and beliefs that we all so strongly possess, the whole Filipino time thing, i really hate. Hate it. I abhor it. And hate is a very strong word.

I value my time. I value it a lot. I don't have a lot of it to myself and most of it is spent worrying about something, stressing over something, or working on something really hard. A tiny bit of it is spent resting and relaxing. So when i feel like my time has been wasted over something so unimportant and something so dumb, i get really annoyed, irritated, and just straight up pissed off. I've been snapping a lot lately and i seriously don't know why... but everything has been getting to me and i've been extremely bitchy for no apparent reason. i wonder why...

anyway, yesterday, i had a meeting with someone at 2:30pm at Glorietta. I get a text at 12:30pm, right before i started getting ready, that she was exhausted and needed to rest before our meeting, therefore moved it to 3:30pm. That was cool with me. I got to spend extra time with my family, relax a little bit before heading out and just chill. Finally, i started getting ready and headed out of the house at around 2:45pm. The timing was perfect because when i got to Glorietta, i had 10 minutes to spare which was enough time for me to walk to our designated meeting place. I get there, and my "meeting person" was nowhere to be found. I immediately texted her, and she claimed she was on her way. I said to myself, Oh well, she'll be here in a few minutes. But i was so wrong. 5 minutes dragged on to 20 minutes, and then 45 and then 50 and then finally!!! an hour and 15 minutes later... she was at glorietta. We started the meeting at around 5ish. At 5:30pm she says she has to run. Had another meeting to go to, she says. I was left there, sitting, dumbfounded. I was like, what the hell? i wasted my afternoon for this?!?! we could've just texted the information back and forth and it would have saved me the cab money to get there, the coffee i bought, the trip i made to get there, and the time i wasted doing nothing. I decided not to waste my time being ticked off. I was out already, i didn't want to waste the rest of my afternoon, so i decided to get in touch with an old friend and spend the afternoon with her. It was a great plan because i had a really good time yesterday. But that's a whole different story.

You know what else really irritates me? Doctor appointments. The problem? They don't have any!!! It annoys me when a doctor says that office hours are from 9am-12am, and when you try to schedule an appointment they say it's "first come, first serve". I brought Dylan to his pediatrician last month to get some shots. We were there, 9am on the dot. We think the earlier we get there, the earlier we're through, the earlier we get out of there. To an extent there is some truth to this... but in a way, it's just a load of denial crap we use to make ourselves feel better. i think.
Anyway, we had to wait 2 hours before Dylan got to see his doctor. Can you imagine waiting in a hallway of a hospital full of sickly people with a 6 month old baby? I know thousands of people do this, but i prefer Dylan spend as little time as possible in a hospital. Did you know that around 80% of people get sick from a virus floating around in a hospital? and that 90% of that 80% DIE from it? uh-huh. It's true. I saw it on Oprah. ANd i don't mean to be a paranoid mom... but it's better to be cautious... and better safe than sorry. Millions of people are getting sick. There are millions of viruses out there and you can seriously catch it. Worse, the people you love can catch it.
Dylan was nice enough to behave the whole 2 hours we were there... but that's beside the point. Not only was it not good for both Dylan and myself, it was also a complete waste of out morning. And you know what? we were out of that Doctor's office in a mere 15 minutes. That's just wack.

Again, i value my time. And i would really appreciate it if other people just respect that. I'm a very punctual person and always have been. Give me a place and a time and if i give you my word, i'll be there. More often than not, i'm always left waiting for people to arrive and more often than not, they're more than 30 minutes late. Out of all the people i know, only 4 people are reliable enough to show up on time. That's it.

Sadly enough, i myself will soon start to use this whole "filipino time" excuse. Because i predict that they will be an hour late, i show up an hour late too. It's no excuse, but it beats having me waste my time waiting and doing nothing. And it usually works! It's annoying though, isn't it? and sometimes my entire itinerary for the whole day is messed up because of one lousy late meeting.

I say, be more considerate. When you agree on a time and place, just do it. please.
And doctors/offices should really come up with the whole appointment thing... *ahem ahem* ST. LUKE's!
ah... venting.

twiLiGht zOne

2004-12-06T23:20:00.000+08:00

eerie eerie eerie... *twilight zone music starts to play*

We were on our way home. Mars was driving me and Dylan to my house. We had left New Manila and we were driving down Aurora Avenue. Mars was texting while driving, which is a common thing for him to do, but honestly, i'd rather he didn't. We were gonna make a short stop at a Mercury Drug to buy Dylan his milk. We got there, but there was no parking. A guy started pointing at a really dark, secluded spot. He was signaling for us to park there and continued to say that it was the only parking spot left. At first, we were really hesitant. Mars and i were both thinking it looked really creepy... but then Mars said he was only gonna be really quick and we'd be out of there in no time. Before he got out of the car or opened the door he started looking for his phone. He kept on looking around and rummaging through the bags on the front seat. I told him to forget about it, "YOu can look for it later, it's just in the car. Just buy the milk, get it over with, you can look for your phone when we get to my house". With that, he was off. He was careful getting out of the car... very cautious... just incase the phone was on him because he didn't want to drop it. Alas, nothing. He locked our doors, ran (literally) to mercury drug, bought the milk, and was back in the car in no time. He was getting really worried about his phone, so to ease his mind, i volunteered to start "ringing" it. The phone started to ring, but we couldn't hear anything in the car. I asked him, "can you feel it vibrating anywhere?" but nothing.

Then, the unthinkable happened. The phone started hanging up on us. i thought, WEIRD! We were so stumped with the situation that we were thinking, "Maybe it slid open or something must be on it that it's hanging up calls on its own". (Yeah, RIGHT!) but that's what we kept saying anyway. The more i called, the earlier the phone would start hanging up. That meant... somebody had it. Finally, "The number you have dialled is not yet in service/out of the coverage area... please try your call later" *smart operator girl talking*. That was it. The phone was off...

Mars looked everywhere. In our bags, all over the car. Even the TRUNK! Under the mats, under the seats, and blah blah blah. He turned that car inside-out. No phone. That was it. Someone was hanging up, someone had turned it off, someone else now owned that pretty pretty phone.

Later, it started answering our calls. But he/she never talked. Later, it texted me and asked how much i'd pay for the phone. When MArs called him/her up, he/she said that he/she found the phone in Quezon Ave earlier tonight. HUH?!?!? How in the world did that happen? Also, even if the number was working, the phone the dude was now holding was a black 3310... far from the model MArs and i were hoping to find. That was that... game over.

Mars only had that phone for less than a month. His last one was stolen (along with his wallet) at an event he did at Robinsons Galleria. He got that phone for 19 grand. *OuCh* It was practically brand new, hardly a scratch on it, and it had Dylan's pictures in it!!! * only joking*

Okay, so what i really don't understand is how the hell it happened. He was texting in the car on our way to Mercury Drug! He didn't even open the door when he started looking for it. What happened? How did it happen? How is it even possible?

If we knew that was gonna happen, he shoudld've just given me the damn phone... *sigh*

weird.
whatever man.
i'm stumped...

my time to reflect

2004-12-03T16:16:00.000+08:00

The end of the year is drawing nearer.
Usually, at this time, i sum up everything this year has brought me.

I consider the past year to be the biggest, most important year of my life thus far. It is a clear beginning of a new chapter and it has changed my life drastically. I remember when i was pregnant, the days used to drag on. I would count days and minutes and feel like time has just stopped and my due date would never arrive. Then, finally, Dylan enters my life, motherhood begins, and the next thing i know... he's 7 months old, standing, crawling all over the place, and trying to communicate like he's no longer a baby, but already a little boy. Where did the year go?

As the newest chapter of my life unfolds, i can't help but think about my past. It seems like the more i think about my future, the more i begin to reminisce about my past. In a way, i have prepared myself for the life that i have brought upon myself. I have physched myself up, telling myself that i'm ready for it, and all i can really do is move on, look forward, and take on whatever comes along. But at the same time, i can't help but look back. I've been looking back constantly in the past few months... and in a way, i think i'm mourning for the life i have left behind.

The last time i remember having to do this and feeling this way was the day i left Baguio. I may seem like a "Manila gurl" and sometimes people even think that i'm from the States or somewhere definitely not from here... and i correct them... I'm really from Baguio. A little city up in the mountains. I hated Manila when i moved here... and i've made my feelings about it very clear. Then again, you stay here a couple of years and after a while the city kinda grows on you and you realize that it's really not so bad. You make new friends, you experience new things, and after a while, the city i hated so much became my home.

I've definitely been through a lot. Manila has been so great... but really, i consider my life in Baguio, the last 2 years up there, to be the best years of my life. Something i will truly never forget, something i cherish, and it's what i constantly look back on. The friends i made, the shit i went through, truly remarkable, and i consider myself so lucky to have experienced it all. I really miss it.

It was hard to let it all go. Now, thinking that i have to do it again, it's heart wrenching. Saying goodbye to a life i was so comfortable with is hard to do... but i know i have to do it. I'm not saying that i'm leaving my old lifestyle for one that's worse, that's hardly it. My life now is great. I have a wonderful son who i love with all my heart and soul. It's the responsibility that i dread. I feel like my carefree days are over. I'm not allowed to goof around anymore, make mistakes, and be irresponsible... i have to take everything seriously and be a responsible parent... and i'm only 21. What scares me is the thought that runs through my mind, night and day, "Can i do this?"

There are so many scenarios of a life i could have had that run through my head and begin with the thought, "What if...". Then i think of all the shoulda-coulda-woulda's... but no matter how hard i think of a life i never really had, it's still not gonna happen.

I long to live a carefree life where i can be whisked away by my knight in shining armor, smoke our worries away, and have everything be just dandy.

But i'm gonna go home after writing this, and be brought back down to reality. I'm gonna do the groceries, walk home, walk through the door, climb our stairs and be greeted with a big smile, the smell of baby sweat and baby powder from my 7 month old son and realize... that i love what i have and i'm really okay with it. I just get paranoid sometimes...

bold move

2004-12-01T15:43:00.000+08:00

*hihi* haven't been on here for a while. I just can't use the internet as much as i'd like.
You might notice that i haven't really written anything since i wrote my whole honesty entry. But the thing is... i did write something. It was on here for like 2 days until i changed my mind and took it out. It's saved... but i don't think i can really post it.

It involves a very sensitive topic... if it lands on the wrong monitor i could end up in a bit of a mess. I was, however, bold enough in the beginning to actually post it up until a few of my friends told me that it would be a wiser decision to not post it up at all. So, if you're one of the few who got a glimpse of it... then oh well. What can i do? So far, i haven't gotten shit about it from anyone. *pHeW*

This is the part where i laugh at myself. It was an interesting story too! i think maybe i'll just revise it, add anonymity to it, and then post it up again! no? we'll see...

what am i doing?

2004-11-23T15:20:00.000+08:00

It just occurred to me... that my blog is lame.
I don't even know if I would read it...
ok... i'm just being cranky and bratty.

I've been looking at other people's blogs lately. Mainly because i can't think of anything to write about and also because i've had nothing to do and wanted to see if there was anything interesting that i could find out there. Apparently, there are plenty.

There are so many people out there with so much to say. Some are outspoken while others are just laid back. Some are funny while others are depressed or angry. Some talk about nonsense and are just plain weird while others tackle serious issues. It seems like everyone wants to put their ideas and thoughts into writing... others do it mainly for themselves while others want to be heard. We have officially entered the era of the Blog Phenomenon.

While reading a few entries from other people's pages, i realized that i wasn't just reading a plain old post. I was actually being given a tour of what was going on inside these people's heads. What got to me [with the few entries that i read] was that they were downright, straigh up honest, no matter how outspoken or offensive they were to whoever or whatever. And i found it to be really cool. It made me realize that the reason why i never have anything to write about is because i refuse to be completely honest with what i want to be published on this blog.

For most of my life i've been a "people pleaser" type of person. Not necessaraily a straight up doormat, but i'm one of those people who would rather not get involved in crazy drama and get into shit with other people. I used to cringe at the thought that someone disliked me or even worse, hated me. I tried my best to be a "good person" so that nobody had any excuse whatsoever to talk shit about me behind my back. I learned the hard way and realized that good guys really do finish last. I used to have so much faith in people. I believed that everybody had a good side no matter what. "Everybody has a story to tell" or "Everyone you meet is fighting their own battle" and blah blah blah is what i used to say. I moved to Manila 5 years ago from Baguio. I gotta tell you... Manila broke me and i lost faith in people. Compared to the environment i was raised in and the life i had up there in the little city in the mountains, Manila was harsh.

My point being, i've stopped being a people pleaser, however there is still a part of me that can't help but make other people's lives a little bit easier which makes mine just a tad bit more complicated.
And directly to the real point--- i should stop being afraid of what other people will think of what i think. (did i get that right?) I know there are people who read this blog (but for some reason never leave comments), even people i know. I try not to write anything way too controversial that it might just blow up in my face. I try not to offend anybody or "talk shit" about someone and then later on be accused of being a bitch that stabs people in the back. I just don't wanna be mean.

But because of this, it limits my topics and i can't fully express myself therefore these issues get bottled up inside and then i don't know what to do. *pant pant pant*
So i'm thinking... i should really just write what i wanna write and say what the hell i really wanna say. Harsh critics? fuck it. There will always be someone out there who's gonna disagree with something i have to say regardless whether i was being serious or it was just a mere statement. I can't help that. If people start buggin' then i will let them bug.

If i could write on here everyday, i would. But that's just not possible with the schedule i keep and the lifestyle i live. I will, however, try to put a little something in as much as i possibly can... and this time, i'm gonna be completely honest. This isn't for readers out there to take pleasure upon and turn into entertainment. This is really more for me... hey, it's supposed to be therapeutic.

so here goes nothing...

the awakening

2004-11-23T15:08:00.000+08:00

"A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out-ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on and, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there is no Prince Charming and no Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale ending (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that your are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are....and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their short comings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into you psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, what you should believe, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for the next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love, Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feeling onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the person on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love....and you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you are not a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want....and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his/her, touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. And just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve....and that much of life truly is self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. "

-author unkown

it's almost Christmas... again.

2004-11-16T14:47:00.000+08:00

I shit you not, it was just "almost Christmas" a few weeks ago. Wow... where did the last 11 months go?! Time sure does fly...

Here we go again... "what do I get for everybody?" is the ultimate question everyone is asking themselves. I know it's what i ask myself everytime this holiday comes around. And once again, i'm stumped.

You know what i love about this time of year though? No, it's not that everyone seems to be "more giving" (that never really happens). It's the decoration put up all over the metro. I always look forward to seeing what Rustan's in Makati is gonna have done, or how Bel Air looks this time of the year. I love the way they outline Rockwell with lights, it looks so pretty from far away. And i know it's somewhat annoying, because of all the traffic is causes, but i love driving by those parrol stands put up on the side of the streets at night because they're just so nice to look at.

For me, Christmas is the marker that reminds me that another year has just passed. It reminds me that just around the corner is another new year. It gives me mixed feelings. In a way, i mourne for the end of the year and at the same time feel relieved that it's all over. I'm happy thinking that the new year might have something better to offer and also fearful of what it may throw my way.

The Christmas season, in the Philippines, starts on September. If it weren't for Halloween, stores would already go all out on selling Christmas things and playing Christmas music. But because there is that one intervention that prevents the early start of the season, stores are forced to delay the x'mas music and decorations. I'm so serious. They start playing the jingles at around that time and bust out the little decors that early.

Most people still don't do the whole early shopping. It's typical. Everyone knows how it is everywhere during Christmas season yet everybody waits last minute to do their shopping. And by this time, all human beings are let loose in the aisles of the stores like wolves in a hen house. By mid-season, the malls become a mad house. It's insane and highly barbaric. I doubt it's like this only in the Philippines though... i'm pretty sure it happens all over the world. I hate going through the hustle and bustle of the crowd and it's already starting. I promised myself that this year i will do all my christmas shopping before December even hits. I don't know what to buy yet... but i will get it done.

I was at Greenhills this last weekend and i got stepped on 8 times (3 of which were all caused by Mars), elbowed 3 times, pushed 4 times, and literally shoved twice. I was pretty upset (more of pissed, really) and got so worked up that i was ready to hit the next person who ran into me. Fortunately, that was the last flock of abuse that flew in my direction. You know what else is highly irritating? Little miss Daisies... you know them... they're the people who happen to walk right in front of you and walk like 5 steps an hour. Then there are the ones who walk, walk, walk, and then just stop right in front of you, in the middle of the entire walkway just because they want to. Finally, there are the ones that hang out in front of the escalators just because they feel like it's the best place to check their phone, look into their bags, or chat with a buddy. Did i miss anyone? Lemme know. I should write a whole post dedicated to pet peeves...

So anyway, swaying off topic here. Christmas, right. I think this Holiday Season would continue if it weren't for Valentines Day. It's funny coz they still sell Christmas trees way past December (which is a good time to buy them though because it's way cheaper... i'm contradicting myself here). But yeah, if it weren't for V-day, it would be Christmas all year round... or maybe not.

Okay, running out of things to say. this is me going Blah bLah bLAH.
So i'm thinking of who to get presents for and what to get em... it's a lot harder this year for some reason. But yeah... i really need to get it all done and over with. I don't need to linger with the stress. I'm not a shopper, if you can already tell. I'll buy stuff, a LOT of stuff (hehe), but i'm not one to linger in a store and dig for the goodies. I can't even stay in a store for more than 5 minutes (unless i'm trying something on) which is why i hate shopping with Mars. This guy loves to shop. He'll dig, and look, and he'll hang out at a store for a hella long time and it kills me.

so there.

ANDwhat?!

2004-11-09T14:10:00.000+08:00

This last Saturday, i spent my day at the Araneta Coliseum to watch the AND1 mixtape tour. I was expecting to see something i've never seen before in all my years of basketball watching... but to my disappointment, it wasn't really much of a show. And to make it worse, i met some of the players after the game... and they weren't the least bit friendly. *sigh*

I've seen the DVD and they were spectacular. Tricks here and there, dunk after dunk, dribbling techniques nobody has ever seen, everything, in a word, amazing. If you're a basketball fan, then i'm sure you've heard of this, and know exactly what i'm talking about. The turnout was quite huge, but not as packed as i expected it to be. There were a lot of people there and the number of ballers who joined the elimination round in the morning was quite surprising.

The game was interesting but it just wasn't mind blowing enough for me to rave about. Yeah, they dunked every now and then, but they just didn't really put on a "show". I don't know, for me, it was a bit disappointing.

Mary caught Helicopter's shorts (eeeeew... right after the game too... gross). She wanted to have it signed and some camera guy offered to have it done for her. The dude came out and said that Helicopter was gonna hand it to Mary personally and the both of us got really excited coz we were adtually gonna meet the dude!!! He came out, all big and scary, and continued to act like some egotistical man slob. After he signed the shorts and had his picture taken, he actually tried to hit on the gurls and ask where we were all heading. *eeEeEeEw* Then, some of his team mates came out and as we praised them and complimented them on a job-well-done... they just nodded and continued to ignore li'l-ol-us as if we weren't there. If that's the way they usually treat fans... all i can say is *TSK TSK TSK*. I hate it when people like that act all big-headed and think they're all that. Sure, they got skills, but they wouldn't be where they are if it weren't for their fans. The people who adore and support them are the people who make them... they should know that.

it was a bit of a let-down... but what can a gurl do?
not one of my best entries... but i tried. ha! =)

BaBy BoY UPDATE:
We have lift-off!!!
Dylan is now officially mobile!!! *whOoP wHoOp* My little guy is crawling, rolling, sliding, and loving it! He has a fixation with the edge of the bed though... gotta do something about that. Somehow he thinks falling off the bed, head-first, is considered fun. Not so much when he actually experiences it.

meeting my angel

2004-10-19T15:09:00.000+08:00

*WARNING: extremely long entry and includes details about pregnancy, giving birth, & babies. Again, if this does not interest you in any way whatsoever, go ahead and skip this, and read someone else's blog. Thank you. =)

*This idea came to mind because a friend of mine wrote about her experience... i found it to be so interesting and i also realized that i never put my experience down in writing. I consider it to be the most important day of my life, a life changing experience, and one of the happiest moments i've ever had... why shouldn't i put it into writing and share it with everybody else? It would be nice to recall how the last week or so of my pregnancy unfolded all up to the point i met my angel. Besides, if nobody cares to read about this, i'm doing it for me. =)

Here goes nothing...

Hmm... where do i even begin? Okay, well everybody knows that pregnancy lasts about 9 (Lunar) or 10 (real, actual) months which equals to about 40 weeks or so. Or something like that. (If you've never experienced pregnancy you're probably thinking that the time thing doesn't really matter [it'll be time when it's time] and what's the use of counting... but believe me... we counted. Every day, week, month, hour, minute and second). But however it goes... it's a loooooooong and strenuous process. Women should definitely be considered heroes of the world for what we have to go through to populate the world and keep our species alive.

I was tired of lugging my fat-ass-swollen-massive-self around. I gained 60 pounds when i was pregnant! Although i don't recommend it to everyone else who's thinking of having a baby... it really wasn't so bad. I mean yeah, it was hard to fit into my clothes, it was hard to stand (what more, walk!), i had to roll outa bed, and it was difficult to get outa the car. But really, i just couldn't help it... i had the urge to eat every 30 minutes and when i ate, i really ATE. Besides, you shed the pounds after you give birth anyway. I know i complained about this A LOT when i was pregnant, but you forget about it anyway and really, it was for a good cause. With that said, i'd like to make a very positive report that i only have 8 more pounds to go until i'm back to my original size. *hOoRaY* It's a biatch getting rid of the last 13 pounds... i'm just glad that the first 45 pounds just disappeared naturally. Also, the amount of weight you gain when you're pregnant doesn't determine the size of your baby. It depends on WHAT you eat. I mean sure, i gained 60 pounds... but my baby came out 6.2 pounds. haha! that means 53 pounds was all ME! *bLah* so anyway, contradiciting what i said in the beginning... try not to gain too much weight. But if you do... it's all good. No need to stress. (swaying off the topic here)

Anyway, i was on week 38 already. Just a week before my due date. I was 186 pounds and about 45 inches in diameter around the belly. haha! =) good gracious... i was HUGE! During the previous weeks i had felt killer contractions only twice and felt the baby drop at about week 34. Or something like that (i don't have my book with me, this is just a guess... or i'm trying to recall but i'm not totally accurate. I'll change it if i turn out to be wrong). The anticipation was killing me. Finally, one morning, something worth something happened... and it all just rolled from there.

I woke up at 8am on a Monday, May 3, 2004. I had to use the bathroom. So there i was, doing my business when i noticed a stain in my ever so unattractive granny underwear. Something i've been waiting for for weeks! It was "the show" (meaning blood). A feeling of excitement came over me. I was ecstatic!
The previous weeks i've been having crazy contractions but they were still very irregular. Being the anxious sick-of-being-pregnant-expectant-mother-to-be that i was, i always thought that maybe it was gonna happen real soon... but nothing. Besides, the doctor said if it didn't come with "a show", then it was not anywhere near being time.
So i texted Mars (who was at work, ofcourse), "I'm bleeding! =)" and he drove home as soon as he finished up. I told him not to rush though coz i knew i wasn't gonna give birth right then and there. I just knew that it was a sign that we were gonna meet our baby boy very soon. =)
We had a doctor appointment for that day too. All the way at Asian Hospital in Alabang. So we picked up our ready-to-go bags (that were already packed and had just been waiting to go for weeks) and headed to the clinic for my chekup at 5:00pm.
As i told the doctor the great news, she checked me out and reported that i was 2cm dilated! *wOoP wOoP* I asked if we should just stay at the hospital already but she said that my contractions were still so irregular that it might not happen as soon as we had hoped. You see, when the dilating starts, you could go into labor anywhere between an hour to two whole weeks. There was really no telling whether it was gonna happen that day or the next week. But i was only 4 days shy of our due date and people kept telling me that boys come earlier than the due date and girls usually come later (for some reason i don't know why). Also, the doctor (Dra. Jacinto, the wonderful lady who delivered Dylan. She was fantastic. I recommend her to everyone who is thinking of having a baby) said that it was no use checking in if we weren't 100% sure it was gonna happen soon... waste of money for the room we were gonna have to pay for. So again, she told us to go home, relax, and just wait it out for a bit more. *boo*
After the check up i insisted we went to the 3rd Floor of the hospital coz i wanted MArs to see the Huggery (that's what they called the Nursery... so cute!). Mars also wanted to see the rooms again just so we could decide on what kind we really wanted to get. We got to the Huggery and there were about 7 babies all lined up on the other side of the window... so small and so cute. I was more anxious than ever to go into labor and get this whole pregnancy over with.
We had some guy give us the tour upstairs to show us the rooms. We decided on getting a large private (to accomodate visitors too and not just us). As we were on our way down, the guy asked if i was gonna give birth there, and how far along i was. I replied, "yea. I'm 9 months pregnant, we're hoping it'll happen real soon". And he responded, "talaga? hmm... mataas pa siya. Maybe one or two more weeks". I was like, whaaaaaaaaaat?!?! oh, hell no. I do not wanna wait that long. And for his information, i was 2cm dilated! so there. And when we hopped off the elevator, he said, "see you in one week!" and i was like, "no, we'll be seeing you tonight..." in the nicest way i could, but i really wanted to yell at him. I think it was one of those moments where the hormones were taking over and the bitchy me was let loose.

So there we were, back in the car, heading back to the house. It was around 6:30pm and we didn't wanna get stuck in traffic on the way back to QC so we decided to hang out at Rockwell. We got to the mall, did a little window shopping, walked around a lot (which is supposed to help speed up labor), and then had dinner at Pazzo (i saved the receipt and stuck it on Dylan's baby book). By this time, i was having painful contractions already (not that i was dying, but it was a bit uncomfortable). However, it was still very irregular (like 7mins and then 20mins and then 5mins and then 30mins...). But nonetheless, they were contractions and i had to pause every now and then to wait for em to go away.

By 9:00pm at the house, the contractions were starting to be a real bitch. Not only were they annoying... they were 7 minutes apart. *oOoOoooh* But the doctor said to not go to the hospital unless they were very regular and only 5 minutes apart. So we stayed home... watched TV. I was watching the Discovery Channel, i remember. My dad told me to watch something about Amazing Women (just a bit of useless information for ya... wala lang). By 2am though, the contractions were starting to get pretty crazy. I tried all the little techniqes my Bible (every pregnant woman's bible--- What to expect when you're expecting. I did call it my Bible... apparently, everybody else did too) had suggested. Nothing worked. So i tried to sleep it off. Of course, in between annoying contractions and the urge to go to the bathroom every 2 frikin' minutes, i didn't get to sleep. Mars had a good 2 hours and by 4am... i started to whine like a brat. =) haha! Mars suggested we head to the hospital already and maybe the nurses could do something about it. I refused for a bit (coz my contractions weren't 5mins apart yet!). I also didn't wanna make the trip for nothing if it had been a false alarm. But we drove off at 4:55am and headed to hospital.

On the way to the hospital the highway was clear. Hardly any cars on the road. By this time... my contractions were 5mins apart and highly irritating. It just had to happen soon... it just had to.

We got to the hospital and it felt nothing like the movies. I wasn't screaming in pain during the drive. Mars wasn't rushing and zigzagging past other cars in a hurry to get me to the delivery room. We didn't park by the emergency entrance and i wasn't rushed off in some bed with wheels, crying in pain. Nope. We calmy walked into the hospital and headed to the labor room. 3rd Floor. Genesis. =)

We got there and some nurse took my weight (i always hated that part), my height, my blood pressure, and whatever other information they needed. We had to sign and fill in what felt like a hundred forms!! and finally, i was assigned a bed... and if that bed could talk... i bet it'd tell you one crazy story. And for the next 11 hours... it was gonna have to put up with me.

I lost track of time the minute i was strapped onto that bed. There weren't any windows in the room so there was really no way for me to know what time of day it was or anything. So there i was, lying on that bed when i'm told i have to change into some FuGLy hospital gown. The first thing i did--- i asked if they had it in BLue. =) haha! it was worth a try. The nurse walked off to check, came back, and sadly reported that the blue ones were all old stock, they didn't have em anymore and the pink ones are mandatory coz it labels me to whatever department i'm supposed to be in (in my case, the maternity section). *bOo* Then they tell me that i'm not allowed to have anything more to eat til after my baby was born. I was like, WHaT?!?!? they were depriving me of food (for a very good reason though... but for me, as a pregnant woman, it was horrible news). *wAh* and then, some GUY doctor (nothing against men doctors... i'm just more comfortable with women, that's all) comes in from behind the curtain and asks to check me out. I was 3cm dilated. So there was some progress, but it wasn't moving as fast as i thought.

I'm guessing it was somewhere around 7:30am and i've been awake for about 23 and a half hours. *gROggY* i was aSSed Out! i didn't know if i'd be able to pull it off. If this would take too long i was wondering if i'd have enough energy to go through with it. A nurse walks in and tells me that i have to take something to make me go to the bathroom. Take note, she said, "take". In my mind, i was thinking i was gonna drink a laxative to make me go. But nOoOoOoooOo... this lady walks in with a bottle... and some pointy spout thing they attach to it. (they gotta do this just so when i'm pushing, the baby doesn't come out with unpleasant friends... if you know what i mean). So she walks in and asks me to lie on my side... i'll leave the rest to your common sense. Let me just say, it was the most uncomfortable thing i ever had to do and it just straight up wasn't nice. *uRgK* Mars, however, got a kick out of it and had a real nice laugh to himself...

Okay, so i'm in bed, strapped onto monitors (baby's heartbeat, and the monitor that measures how strong my contractions are and how far apart they are), an IV digging into my right hand, sleepy, irritated, anxious, in pain, and uncomfortable. I don't even know what time of the day it was and i was delirious like crazy. All i really knew was that the contractions were starting to get damn painful and i wanted to know when they were gonna give me the drugs. *haha* Mars had been sitting on a flimsy couch right next to me the whole time. He read a few magazines and went out every now and then for a smoke. Usually, it would irritate me and send me into a bitch fit... but that time, i let it slide. I could only imagine how nervous he was. Also, at around lunch time, i told him to go out and have luch. The guy was gone for over an hour and the contractions, by this time, were NUTS. By then, i started to cry. The breathing thingamajigga (for me, anyway) just didn't do shit. I wanted pain killers... but i wasn't dilated enough for them to be able to administer any type of drugs into my system. Anesthesia slows down the dilation process so as much as possible, they give it at the last possible minute to the point where you really just cannot take it anymore. I was freezing my ass off like crazy. I had 3 blankets on me. I thought i'd be sweating like a horse (just like in the movies) but it wasn't even like that. I was frozen the entire time. My teeth were chattering, my feet were chilled, it was unbelievable.

I was obviously in pain already, by this time. You could tell just by looking at me. I was grabbing onto the sheets, i had tears rolling down my face, i looked exhausted and every time a contraction would come, i'd do the ugly-in-pain-face. That's where i tighten everything on my face together and look like i ate something extremely sour (or something like that). And what was irritating was that some nurse would come in and ask me if i was in pain. UH... NO SHIT!!! You THINK?!?! and one time, a nurse walked in to check the chart for my contractions and said, "aaaay... umiiyak na si mommy... masakit?" She said it so demurely too. Freakin' annoying. And another time, the male nurse comes in and asks me too, "does it hurt?" Honestly, people. Really... not something to ask a pregnant woman in labor. I wanted to scream at them and knock someone's teeth out. And this whole time, i held back from yelping in pain every time a contraction would attack me. There's a monitor right next to my bed that shows how strong the contractions get. I was complaining when my contractions hit 79... and my doctor told me, "oh, those are just the mild ones. The real painful ones are around 80-90". I couldn't believe it. My hardcore ones reached 113... you can imagine how painful that was. Mars would let me know when they were coming so i could brace myself and then tell me when it was easing off. He was trying to do everything he could to make things better for me. At one point though, he was starting to feel just how difficult it was for me because i started to cry and say to him that i couldn't do it anymore. He still tried to encourage me and when this one contraction started to come, he told me to squeeze his hand. It was just something i couldn't do though... he was stroking my face, and at the point where the contraction itself was at its' highest, Mars was starting to strangle me! he was so into the monitor and i guess just wasn't paying attention to what he was doing to me, and started to choke me. I had to yell when the contraction was over, "Mars, you're CHOKING ME!!!!" i was furious. But i knew he was only trying to make me feel better and that he really didn't know what he was doing. (kinda funny after a while. I laugh at that now and MArs is so embarrassed about that).

Finally, the drugs came, and i was the happiest person in the world. Mars and i made a deal that he would buy me a huge box of Ferrero for every needle they would stick in me. I asked him if the anesthesia needle was big coz i was getting so scared, but he said it was tiny. However, the scab from it on my back proves otherwise. I remember that at this point, i was in tears, delirious, tired, in pain, and seriously freezing my ass off. I was practically shaking 75% of the time i was in the labor room... and even more when i was in the delivery room. As the anesthesia creeped into my system, it was a soothing menthol feel on my back. I could feel it all over my body... and finally, i was relaxed. I even managed to take a nap for like an hour or so.

Around an hour and half later, the anesthesia started to wear off and all hell was about to break loose. I started to feel the contractions again and this time, it was more painful than ever, and 2 minutes apart. Hardly any time for me to ease off and then brace myself all over again. I started to scream for the Anesthesiologist (a real pleasant nice old lady). Turns out, she was MIA. She was the only Anesthesiologist in the building so she had other patients who needed her. Just so happens when i needed her, she was missing. I even remember screaming, "WHere is SHE?!?!!?". My doctor checked me out, told me i was fully dilated and that it was time. She instructed the nurses to roll me over to the delivery room and prep the things they needed for the delivery. I've never been more scared (or delirious) in my life.

So they unhooked me from all the monitors and what not. This was the only part of the whole experience that felt like i was in a movie. I was lying there in pain and all i could see were the flourescent lights above me, moving past me as i was rolled along. One shitty thing that happened--- as they were rolling me out of the labor room, i think the nurses' got a bit lazy in opening both doors and tried to squeeze me out using just one. DUMB idea. I was grabbing onto the side of the bed. I was clenching on the bars because i was in so much pain... and you know what happens? They slam right into the doorway... and my right hand got ipit. What the hell, right? and it just so happened to be the hand that had the IV on it. *tsk tsk tsk* *aRay*

So, the time had finally come... i was in the delivery room, getting prepped for delivery, Mars was standing right next to me, and i was about to give birth--- the experience of a lifetime. The Anesthesiologist finally showed up and gave me the last shot i needed... and after one or two more painful contractions, everything was fine. Seriously, drugs are super fabulous. As i felt the anesthesia make its way throughout my whole body, i slowly calmed down and faded into relaxation. Again, the delivery part--- nothing like the movies. So we're all there, just chillin', waiting for my next contraction. See, i push the same time a contraction occurs... so while nothing is going on, we're all sort of just resting and hanging out. The first time i tried, nothing really happened. I don't think i pushed hard enough even though i felt like it was the hardest i really could. The second time, 2 nurses actually "helped" me push by sort of digging into my tummy and squeezing the baby out like he was toothpaste. I gotta say, that helped A LOT. It came as a shock the first time we tried it... i couldn't breath and i felt like i had been tackled to the ground... but as we went along and i look back now, i don't think i could've done it as well as i did if it weren't for them.

Again, we were waiting for the next contraction, and everybody was just chillin. I noticed everybody started to giggle and i was wondering what the hell was going on. Then, i hear my doctor say, "Mars, would you like to be admitted to a room too?" and a nurse say, "Sir, ok ka lang? medyo namumutla ho kayo..." haha! =) Mars was leaning on the wall behind him with his hair net over his face. He looked like he was about to pass out... but in his defense, he says the smell of the blood was just making him feel a bit queesy. (uh-huh, i'm sure). Also, it was so hilarious--- he had to wear sterile sheets or whatever those blue things were. He was given a gown, a hair net (even though Mars has no hair), and a pair for over his shoes... but the biggest size wouldn't fit him and he had to wear hair nets over his shoes. He looked ridiculous... but i'm one to talk in a freakin' puke pink gown, on stirrups with my legs spread wide open, and my business on display for the world to see.

I felt a contraction coming and everybody started to get ready... i was to push like there was no tomorrow. This was my 3rd attempt, and still, nothing. I noticed that my hand started to feel sore. Mars had been squeezing my hand so tight, it felt like it was receiving no blood circulation at all whatsoever. I had to tell him because he just didn't seem like he was aware of it, "MArs, you're hurting me!" I would think he was more nervous and scared than i was...

On our 4th and 5th attempt, i pushed our baby out and Dylan was finally born. 15 minutes in the delivery room and we were done. All i heard was our doctor say, "there you go." I was stunned. I expected to be stuck in that room for an hour and that the pushing would be the most difficult thing i would ever have to do my whole life. It was anything but painful and far from being tough. Because of the shock of finishing so fast, i didn't really get caught up in the moment as much as i would have liked. I felt relieved though... relieved, excited, happy, fulfilled, tired, and content.

The first thing i heard from Dylan was a cough. The tiniest cough i have ever heard followed by a little cry. The nurses cleaned him up and finally brought him over. It is a moment i will never forget... he looked at me with his big, beautiful brown eyes, that stare, mouth open. He was beautiful and i instantly fell in love.

We didn't take any pictures... the camera was up in our room and it didn't have any batteries either. That moment is all mine.

Dylan Matthew was born. I'm somebody's Mommy... and i was happy. =)

Afterwards, they took him away for all the tests and i was being stitched up. My legs were numb and i couldn't feel anything on my lower body. I remember the song "Dirty Dancing" by the Black Eyed Peas was stuck in my head. So while i was being stitched up, i was dancing in my head, "baila, bailalalalalalalala lala baila" haha! =) whuttadork.
I also thought to myself, "damn, if he waited 4 more minutes, he would've been born at 4:20" haha! la lang. Mars was concerned that Dylan had such big ears he may never wear a cap... takes after his dad. ha!

Turns out, he had double recoil... if that's even what it's called. He had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice over. Good thing nothing went wrong and there were no signs of fetal distress. But that was all over now, and i didn't have to worry about any of it anymore.

They wanted me to stay in the delivery room a bit longer... maybe just rest, relax, or take a nap. But i was so excited and i was thinking so much, i didn't feel like knocking out. They also wanted me to make use of the room since i was paying for the first 4 hours... *tsk tsk tsk* and i was only in there for half an hour. Dumb package.

As i was being wheeled off to my room i was greeted by my mom, Aix, Gio, Javy, Mars' mom, and Tina. Oh yeah, and MArs, of course. We got to the room and it was just yapping away time. Told them how things went and of course they all talked about the baby. We had dinner, watched TV, talked some more, and by 9:30pm, they all had to go home and i was gonna get some rest... finally.

So there you go... i was awake for 37 hours, in labor for about 11 hours, in pain for about 3 hours, and i was done with being pregnant for almost 10 whole months. *siGh*

The next day, i was greeted by my dad who came to see me first thing in the morning. =) i had been in bed for 18 whole hours after giving birth and as soon as they took that catheter outa me (gross), they advised me to walk around for exercise and to go see my baby. My biggest problem after giving birth--- going to the bathroom. Gotta say... it was no fun. Goin to the "comfort room"... not very comforting.

So i was up and about 18 hours after the delivery (28 hours without looking at myself in the mirror)... i felt ever so light. =) key word: felt. I was so sure that i had lost weight and that my tummy had atleast reduced its size to atleast HaLF. But nooOoOOoOOo... i was about 179 pounds and i still looked like i was atleast 7 months pregnant. The feeling was decieiving and that mirror wasn't lying.

We headed to the huggery and i got to see my baby. *yAy* I wasn't able to pick him up though. He had a bit of trouble coz he swallowed some of his doo doo. The poor thing was hooked to an IV, had oxygen tubes on his nose, and sticky things attached to him hooked onto monitors. It was the saddest sight... and for a mother to see that... it was heartbreaking.

He got a lot better though... and 4 days later, we brought him home. =) It was nice spending the first 4 days in the hospital. It was quite comfortable and it wasn't like other normal hospitals anyway. I got some rest, Dylan got the treatment he needed, and we all headed home happy as can be. =) *hihi*

Thus, motherhood began. I didn't sleep very well for the first 5 months... but we're doing great now. =) I can't imagine what my life would be like without him. I look at him everyday and remind myself how lucky i am to be blessed with such a great baby. =) I'm crazy in love with him and nothing makes me happier than to see him smile at me every morning. =) It's the greatest way to start a day.

He's making wonderful progress and i'm just so proud of him. He's growing up so well and we're all very happy. =)

That's that & our lives go on...

***If you got this far and actually finished reading this entire story, i applaud you and thank you in your interest in the so-called events that happen in my life. It took me 4 days to finish writing this.

homeward bound

2004-10-18T17:56:00.000+08:00

Tonight, Dylan and myself are heading home... i am the happiest girl in the world. Ever since the decision was finalized that Dylan and i would spend most of our week at my house, i instantly became happy. My spirit lifted and the cloud of gloom simply floated away. Everything just started to look way better already. *yAy*

Finally, i had enough courage to step up, put my foot down, and say, "hey, i'm not happy and i'm gonna do something about it". Okay, well it wasn't that easy... a huge part of me didn't want to take Dylan away from his dad and i didn't wanna be the bad person, the one who decided to "break up the family". But things were heading towards the wrong direction, it was starting to look really ugly, i was becoming more and more unhappy & stressed, and something simply had to be done. So there, i did it. I got us out of that horrible situation and hopefully things will be smooth sailing (if not, atleast easier and happier) from now on. =)

It just wasn't working for us... it just didn't. I gave it almost 6 months. Dylan's well-being is my priority and nothing will stop me from making sure that everything we do is for his best interest. I've had enough and it was just time for us to move on to something better. I'm not willing to walk that extra mile just to make him happy... not if the cost is Dylan's well being. Hell no. I'm not gonna risk it. I was done making everything more convenient for him... especially since i'm the one doing 95% of the work (all by myself). He didn't take on the role as "father"... he was just being the provider. Dylan doesn't need all the toys that he's not gonna pay attention to or remember anyway.... he needs a dad. Someone he can look up to. Someone for him to count on, someone to love, someone to connect with, and someone who will always be there for him regardless any situation. I don't know why everything has to revolve around money. I've said this before, and i'm saying it again--- you can always make your millions later, money will always be around.... but watching your child grow up and raising him right is something you can never get back to... something you can never make up for. I guess i was expecting too much... i set myself up for disappointment. Maybe things will get better. I'm hoping it will.

Don't get me wrong, though. He's a great boyfriend... he treats me like a queen and takes care of me. He is the nicest, sweetest person and i say this as a fact--- nobody has ever treated me better. But i don't need him to be my boyfriend anymore... i need him to become the father he's supposed to be.

So what we're gonna do is--- my house on weekdays and the other house on weekends (and holidays where Mars doesn't have to go to work). The whole point is for Mars to spend time with Dylan. I mean, the only time he ever gets to spend with us is on the weekends anyway... so why do we have to put up with the rest of the week all by our lonesome, bored and unhappy? right? problem solved.

I'm ever so grateful that Mars was very supportive and understanding about the whole decision. I know this is hard for him. The fact that he didn't even argue with my idea means a whole lot to me and i really appreciate it. I know because of this everything will get better... not just with me and Dylan, but our relationship as a whole as well.

*pHeW* thank god that's done and over with. I'm happy with my decision and i look forward to our days ahead. =)

family ties

2004-10-08T18:09:00.000+08:00

Dylan and i are staying over at my house with my family over the weekend... i've only been here one night and already i realize just how much i miss being at home. It's so refreshing. We may not be living a luxurious lifestyle... but being with my family makes me feel like i have everything i'll ever need.

I come from a very tight-knit family. We're all very close and very family oriented. I value the relationship we have and i absolutely love the way we are together. I want Dylan to grow up with something like it because i know just how important it is to me.

Living in QC is just something very different. I don't sense the feeling of togetherness. Aside from the noise our dog, Scratch, makes... the house is always very quiet, empty, and lonely. Dylan and i spend the hours of our day together in the confined perimeter of "our" room. We are accompanied by MTV, National Geographic, The Discovery Channel, sometimes Sesame Street, & The Disney Channel. Dylan watches me eat lunch by myself in the dining room. The familiar voices he hears are those of Oprah, Jay Leno, & Conan O'Brien.

This isn't what i want for him... i don't want him growing up thinking that that's what "family" is all about. I don't want him to get used to it being that way and have him think that it's okay. I want him to know and love the people around him and value the sense of being a family. I want him to feel the love i had as i was growing up. I want him to grow up with the noise and the chaos.

*sigh* i just want us to go home...

blast from the past

2004-10-06T16:12:00.000+08:00

About a week ago, i signed up for My Space. Everybody's been asking me to do it because apparently it's a lot better than just plain old e-mail. So i did it as an attempt to keep in touch with friends & keep myself updated on what people have been doing lately. In the process of adding friends on my list and viewing other people's profiles, i ran into a grip of people i haven't seen in years. Some were old friends and others were the type i'd rather not remember. Nevertheless, the flood gates of memory lane burst open and stirred up my emotions pretty good.

It got me thinking of what my life was like years back... i began to remember what kind of a life i had, the people i hung out with, everything i used to do... and how i felt back in the day. It all started coming back... and i didn't quite know how to handle it. I missed it all, and at the same time, i was glad it was all over. I wasn't so sure if i wanted to click on certain people to "add as a friend" because i wasn't sure if i really wanted to know how they were doing and i also didn't know if i wanted these people back in my life. I mean, really... i let them slip out of my life for a reason and lost touch with them to begin with. Others, i was kinda glad i found... but there were more of the ones i didn't wanna get in touch.

Because of this, i realized that i'm the type of person who can hold a grudge. I'm the type of person who cannot forgive and forget. Am i evil because of that? Is that just wrong?

It's possible that these people have changed... it's also possible that they've grown up and perhaps have become better people. If you had trouble with someone when you were 15 years old, do you simply let that go because now you're "all grown up"? Will they look at you the same way you look at them?

It's so crazy... because ever since i started thinking about this... i've been hearing "old songs", i've been seeing so many things that remind me of the past, and i've even seen a few people! It's almost like life was trying to rub it into my face.

Lately, i've been thinking a lot about my past. Yeah, a lot of it was great, and i had a really good time. I'm a very semntimental person and i reminisce a lot. But i think it's really time for me to let that all go. I'm starting something new and i'm doing so with a very clean slate.

Ah... well, there you go. Just something i thought about and wanted to write down. It's amazing how getting in touch with a lot from my past affected me so much. *bLaH*

how old is grandpa?

2004-10-01T14:29:00.000+08:00

***just a little something i read and thought it was quite interesting and funny at the same time. So much has changed in such a short amount of time... *sigh*
i wonder... could mankind be the cause of our own destruction?

***
One evening, a grandson was talking to his grandfather about currentevents. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.The Grandpa replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.

There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.
Your Grandmother and I got married first and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"- - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen andevery man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains outlistening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a street car, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad because, gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.

And how old do you think grandpa is?

........Grandpa is 58 (born 1946)
***

living in fear

2004-09-29T17:22:00.000+08:00

Gone are the days when kids could play out in the street. Gone are the times when walking alone at night was absolutely safe. How many places still have families who sleep at night with their front door left unlocked? When people walk the busy streets of the city, they clutch onto their belongings, paranoia is always in the back of their heads, and they eye suspiscious looking people. The only thing heard, read, and seen on the news these days are all about terrorism, kidnapping, murder, theft, injuries, illness & abnormalities. Is this really it? This is the world we live in?

We're all living in fear. Even if we don't think about it everyday or it's not something that we worry about constantly, at one time or another, we are fearful of what could possibly be out there.

As a new mother, i signed up for a life of constant worry. My life would come to a screeching halt if, Heaven forbid, anything would happen to my baby. *knock on wood* And then i thought about it... there are about 100 million thousand gazzillion trillion billion things to worry about when you think of your child.

Right now, i worry whether he eats enough or if he's getting too fat. I worry whether what he just put in his mouth is clean or not. I worry if he gets enough attention.

Something as simple as learning how to walk can trigger ideas that would give me a heart attack--- i mean, what if he falls? and hits his head on something?! or take out an eye?! So many possibilities.

And then there are the toddler years... what if he trips on something while he's running around? What if we take him to the mall and he gets lost? or worse, kidnapped?! What if he falls off his bike?!

And then there's that time in their lives when they wanna go out all on their own... hang out with friends, do stupid adolescent things. What if they get into bad drugs? what if he does horrible in school? what if they get into an accident? what if he picks the wrong kind of girl to date?

The list could go on and on... there's no stopping worry, fear, and paranoia. But then again, that's life, isn't it? That's just the way the ball rolls... I mean, really... is it gonna stop me from being a good parent? no. Will i be strict? to an extent... maybe. But i'm gonna have to let him live his life, right? Yes, there are horrible possibilities, but that's the risk i'm willing and going to have to take. I'll let him fall and make his mistakes... there are no better teachers than the mistakes they make themselves. I say whatever happens, really, is meant to happen. But there's a difference between being liberal and just being plain wreckless.

I still want world peace though... and sick, inhuman, cruel people do belong behind bars.

eh... this is just me... thought of something, wrote about it. Asked questions and answered them myself... i'm having a conversation with myself... weird.

mY LittLe mAn...

2004-09-23T15:55:00.000+08:00

*PeEk-A-bOo!!!*

*HaPpY Li'L BaBy*

*hUh?!*

*bLeH*

*SmiLe for the CaMeRa*

***Dylan is 4 and a half months now... and he's just so happy! =)

He's quickly discovering new things and he's starting to become so malikot! He loves to laugh and play. He smiles all the time and coos & gurgles as if he's trying to have a conversation with me. He flips around like it's nothing and he's beginning to crawl--- backwards! haha!=) yea, he's crawling alright... in reverse. He's starting to sit on his own... he did it for the first time yesterday and i was so proud! =) *yay*

When he discovered his hands, he wouldn't stop playing with em... now, he's discovered his feet... and he loves playing with his toes.

He's considerate enough to sleep on his own when he wakes up in the middle of the night and it's nice of him to play in his crib, on his own, when he wakes up in the morning, so that i get an extra hour of sleep. =)

I'm so happy and extremely grateful that i have him. He's pleasant, well behaved, fun, & smart. This guy has so much personality. He's gonna grow up to be a well refined man... you can already tell. ;-P

I love being with him... there's nothing better in the world. He makes anything insignificant, unimportant, and stressful just fade away. He makes me see what really matters... it's amazing how someone so small can have such a huge impact in your life. =)

That's my little man... =)

no pain, no gain

2004-09-16T13:28:00.000+08:00

It takes a lot to be "beautiful". Not even beautiful, just simply being content with yourself and the way you look. Notice that it takes a lot of hard work and pain, literally, to achieve your desired look. I'm talking about the normal people out there though... not the ones that claim to do absolutely nothing, eat anything and everything they want, still maintain a perfect figure, and blame it all on genetics. What a load of crap...

For the first time in my life i'm actually "out of shape" (a safer and in denial way of saying, "i'm fat"). No offense to bigger people out there... i'm just simply stating that i'm not content with the way i look now. And i don't think the whole, "i just gave birth." or "i just had a baby..." is really an excuse anymore. Well, not to me, anyway. That excuse expires after a while, and in my opinion, i'm past the mark where it's considered to be a valid excuse. Why is it that Debrah Messing, Gwyneth Paltrow, & Kate Hudson all looked like they never even went through the whole pregnancy ordeal after their 4th month postpartum mark? Do they even have stretch marks?! How did Brooke Burke do to a bikini photo shoot only 2 months after giving birth?! How is that possible?! *bLaH*

So, i started going to the gym and doing the whole "trying to lose weight" and "get back into shape" bit. I never really used to have this problem and now that it's something i have to deal with, i'm having a really hard time. I slave on the treadmill and the bike for about an hour a day. I lift weights and do the oh-so-strenous crunches. I kill myself trying to do 3 sets of 15 leg lifts (with the kick thing at the end). I huff and puff trying to get through my sit-ups, and bear the pain that result from back extensions. All this trouble trying to get back into shape... *sigh* (again, i long for toblerone that make you lose weight with every triangle).

I've been trying to diet but i consider it torture. I just can't do it. How can i deprive myself of something that i love so much? It kills me!!! And it just so happens that most of my favorite food are all made up of Carbs... evil carbohydrates. It also doesn't help that when i was pregnant all i did was eat to my heart's content and enjoy sleeping it off after (haha! frikin' bum!). Basically, i just got used to it and it's so hard to give it up. I'm not even gonna start with sweets, pastries, and chocolate... *boo hoo*

Now, working out aside, there are other things to "being beautiful" that includes pain in order to achieve one's goal. Take shaping/cleaning your eye brows, for example. Holy cow, the first time i tried doing that, i cried for every strand i had to take out... what's worse, if you do it wrong, you have to bear the shame of going around with hideous mis-shapen eye brows til it grows back... or you can cover it up with a liner (but sometimes that looks so fake). And what about waxing? haha! There's something about being hairless in certain areas that add bonus points to being attractive. I've never tried this... but from what i hear... it's serious torture.

There are even some people out there who have to go through plastic surgery just to be content with their appearance. Can you imagine "going under the knife" (is that how the saying goes)? Just the thought of it scares me... but apparently, some people really need it to make them happy. Hey, if it works for them, then great. That's their thing. I've seen a few episodes of "The Swan" (it's that beauty pageant where the contestants have all gone through plastic surgery) and those women cry with joy when they see the outcome of what the surgery has done to them. They love it. They're so happy and feel so much better about themselves after the whole transformation.

Back to my point, it takes pain to be beautiful. Wouldn't it be so much easier if none of this mattered to anybody? There are some people who say, "It's what's in the inside that counts". My response to that--- they're lying. Everybody knows that, to an extent, looks really matter. Even if it's just a little tiny bit... it still does.

So be it working out, dieting, surgery, simple grooming tactics, or even drugs... it takes a lot of hard work and "pain" to achieve your desired appearance. Aint that a bitch? haha! =P Well, that's just the way it goes... no pain, no gain.

*BoW*

motherhood madness

2004-09-12T13:47:00.000+08:00

***WARNING: the following post contain information about babies, motherhood, and pregnancy. If those topics do not interest you in any way whatsoever, turn away and read someone else's blog now.

Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. Most people fail to see that. As much as it is a blessing & it can be the best thing in the whole universe... it does have a downside. Most moms don't really wanna talk about the negative side of motherhood... sometimes it comes off as a "weakness" or they tend to be labelled as a "bad mother". Other moms also think that if they fail to do everything perfect or they feel even the slightest bit of negativity towards being a mom, they're considered to be a horrible parent. But really, it's all just normal.

It takes a lot to be a mom. It all starts with pregnancy. The second you hear the news, your whole life as you know it, completely changes. All of a sudden, you get hit on the head with the realization that you have been chosen to be responsible for the life of another human being for the rest of your life. Pregnancy is all about surrender... giving in to the way nature runs its course. It's a time to stop thinking about yourself and giving in to the person who will be living inside you for the next 9-10 months. Everything you do from that point on is for that little stranger who has taken over your body. Believe me, as little as that baby can be... it can really kick ass.

The whole preganancy ordeal is tough enough... and that's only the beginning. *sigh* Morning sickness, wieght gain, stretch marks, swelling, weak bladder, contractions, the emotional rollercoaster... the list could go on and on... until finally... the birth of your little angel.

This is where it really gets interesting... =P *hehe*

From the moment you gaze into your precious baby's eyes... life as you know it, is nothing like it used to be. You have gone through a complete transformation and nothing is the same. Some mothers, like myself, fall in love with their angel instantly... while for others, it could take some time. But nevertheless, loving your child is feeling the greatest joy in your entire life and loving to the highest degree you possibly could. It's the best thing anyone could ever imagine...

Without a doubt, there is nothing like the love of a mother to her child... but motherhood isn't always just rainbows and daisies. It can really take its toll on a person... and if it's not dealt with properly, it could get out of hand. It truly is the hardest job in the world.

I've been a mom for 4 months, 10 days. It's been great, i'll have you know... but it hasn't been easy. There are so many factors that contribute to the stress of being a mom... and imagine being a single mother. I give mad props to those single moms out there who work a 9-5 job 5 days a week, and still find time to play with their kids and take care of them, wash dishes, cook the food, clean the house, do the laundry, buy groceries and whatever else they need, maybe even find a little time to themselves, and stay sane. I bow down to them. They are true heroes.

I work hard, i try to do the best i can to raise my son. He is my #1 priority and nothing is more important to me than his well-being. Everything i do, i have him in mind. Love alone, doesn't raise a child... there's so much more to it. And raising a child with little, or close to no help at all, is very difficult.

The following "rantings" are what contributes to my stress, personally... maybe other moms out there can relate.

Being away from family. I'm going through a huge change in my life... and for the first time, i am not in the refuge of my home, and i don't have my family to fall back on. Sure, they support me and they visit and i see them every now and then... but it's just not the same when they're not around 24/7. This is what caused my "postpartum depression". I went through this whole depression phase for about a month because i felt so alone. It's gotten easier because i've probably gotten used to the whole situation... but i still miss them. I constantly wish that i was still living with my family. Honestly, i think it would make things about 90% easier...
Sleep deprivation. Before Dylan, i think i used to get around 10-12 hours of sleep every night. Yes, i was a bum. I slept whenever i pleased and got up whenever i felt like it or wanted to. i absolutely miss sleeping. I haven't slept in 4 months! no, i'm just kidding... but really, i haven't slept longer than 4 hours (straight) since Dylan was born. Sometimes, he'd give me a break and sleep for 4 hours, wake up only to eat, and then sleep for 4 more hours... that would be the only time i get 8 hours of sleep. But most days, i feel like a zombie going through my daily routine. There was this one week though, he slept 6 hours, woke up to eat, and slept 4 hours after... a total of 10 hours! =) i was so happy! And then he got his shots... and it never happened again. I'm so tired... i think i'm slowly getting used to it. However, now that i'm starting to do more things, it's surely starting to take its toll on me... i'm not so sure how i'm gonna do this... but i'll figure something out. I'm still not getting a yaya though... i just can't. I really don't want to. I'll struggle for as long as i can until i absolutely cannot do it anymore.
Frustration with losing weight. This whole losing weight thing is such a bitch. I gained about 60 pounds when i was pregnant... i was nearly 200 pounds. *yuck* haha! breastfeeding helped me shed about 45 pounds, and the 15 pounds left is all up to me. It's just so damn frustrating coz it's hard, for one. And secondly, it takes so frikin' long to get into shape. I know it's not the right way to think, but that's just really how i am. I know it's not gonna happen instantly... but i've been massive for far too long. I've made a lot of progress though in the past 2 weeks... and knowing that it works is good motivation for me to keep on going. When i fit into my old clothes, i'll let you know. ;-)
I never have anything to wear because nothing looks good on me. Again, it's a weight issue... but really, it's more of a clothes issue. I tell myself i won't buy anything in my size now because i'm not gonna be this way long enough anyway... i'd rather not spend on clothes i won't use for long. (haha! i'm in denial, i think).
Nobody's helping me. I feel like i'm in this alone... need i say more? well, aside from my mom and my sister who visit us 2-3 times a week, i pretty much do everything on my own. it's frustrating just trying to explain it.
I don't have time for myself and my whole world revolves around Dylan. I love being with him... but sometimes, i just wish i had something to do for me. I'm glad i'm going to the gym because i do use that time for myself... but other than that, nothing. I don't hang out with friends, i don't see anybody else aside from the people i live with... and i feel like i've been living under a rock.
I have no friends. I don't think the people i used to hang out with have an interest in babies, or people who happen to have them. Sucks, but that is the reality of it all. Just goes to show what kind of people i chose to be my "friends". I've gotten over it, and it doesn't affect me as much now like it used to... but still... it just would've been nice if i found a bunch of people who would "stick around". But really, that's the least of my concerns. I have the people who really matter in my life and that's all that really matters. (ok, so i don't really have "no friends". But a grip of them that i considered to be really good friends really weren't... and that sucks... but now, i know).
My energy is at an all time low. And it's really hard to multi-task when when you can hardly stay awake. *BLaH*

So there... that's really all i can think of right now. If i think of anything else, i'll just add it on.

Right now, i'm sort of struggling to get through my day. I haven't even written on my Blog for the longest time.

Yea, i'm tired... and sure, it's hard... i do complain every now and then, and yes, i get frustrated... but all i really need to do is look at Dylan, and at how far i've come. The innocence in his eyes & the happiness in his smile... the look on his face when he sees me... and i know all this is truly worth it.

donni

2004-09-02T12:59:00.000+08:00

I was just about to fall asleep... i was in that state where you're not exactly sleeping, but not entirely awake. It was the end of one long night of partying and i just wanted to knock out. However, my phone started to ring. I was too tired and still drunk. I checked the caller ID and it read, "Dons". He was my best friend from Brent Baguio and he usually calls me when he's in Manila so we can hook up and hang out. I didn't think i could really talk to him just yet so i told myself i'd get back to him tomorrow as soon as i got up. I put my phone on silent, ignored the phone call, and went to sleep.

It's 10:30am and my phone started to vibrate... it was Donni again. I've only had 5 hours of sleep. I was hungover, tired, groggy, and the sunlight was giving me a headache. I thought since he was calling so early in the morning and that he tried calling me last night that whatever he had to say should be important. I picked up the phone and greeted him, "wasuk?". I was a bit surprised & caught off guard because instead of Dons, it was a lady on the other end of the line. What's going on? She responded, "Is this Thea? Donni's friend from Brent?"
Discreetly, i answered, "Yes..."
Little did i know, that the next few words would have such an impact on me... in a way, haunt me, perhaps for the rest of my life. The lady continued, "I would just like to let you know that Donni passed away this morning. Please pray for him."
"What?!?! How?! That's not possible..." I quickly bolted and sat up on my bed. I was frantic. In a state of shock. I couldn't believe what i was hearing.
"Your number is the last one he dialled... it says here on the dialled numbers list. Did he say anything to you?"
"What happened?" This was a joke, right? Somebody tell me that the prank is over...
"We found him this morning at the bottom of a cliff..." There was a sound of emptiness in her voice. This was his mother trying to explain to me what had happened to her son...
"Oh my God... i'm so sorry..." I didn't know what to say. I was still thinking that there was no way that this could possibly be real.

With that, Mrs. Cadiogan said goodbye and once again, asked me to pray for her only son. I sat there on my bed. I was wide awake now. It felt completely surreal. I couldn't believe it. What had happened? Oh my God... what did he call me for? Donni's gone... i can't believe he's gone...

I jumped out of bed, stormed out of my room, stood in the middle of the hallway and yelled, "Mommy!!!" My mom quickly rushed over from the kitchen, asked me what happened... and that was that. Nobody could comfort me. I had lost one of my bestest buds... my best friend... and there was absolutely nothing i could do about it. I went on shut down mode and zoned everybody out of my world. All i could really do was cry... i bawled like there was no tomorrow... i just couldn't believe it had happened. Something so tragic, so final...

That was two years ago... and it still gets me every time i think about it. Later that week, i found out it was suicide. Whether it had anything to do with drugs or just depression, nobody knows. That phone call he made to me? To this day, i regret i didn't pick up. Maybe i could've changed how it all played out... maybe he was just calling to say goodbye. We'll never really know. I'd like to think that i could've made a difference... but it kills me to think that, really, i didn't. It eats me up inside to think that i ignored it... that somehow, i could've done something to have made things better. For a while i kept thinking to myself that his death was my fault... that it was all up to me, and i made him take the wrong path. People tell me that there was nothing i could do about it or that it really wasn't my fault... i really don't know. I've played the perfect scenario over and over again in my head, i keep wishing that i could go back and do things differently... but i can't.

Exactly a year after this happened...

I was in Cebu. We were staying at the Marriot Hotel and we had a gig at this bar/club called Vudu. After a night of a hardcore dancing, partying, and drinking, Michelle and i retired for the night and headed back to our room. We were so drunk we didn't even bother to clean up (i know, totally gross... believe me, we were assed out!). I think we managed to wash our faces though (with great difficulty), just so we got all the makeup off our faces (huge no-no to sleep with makeup on). We also managed to change out of our party clothes and slipped into our sleeping clothes. After that, we were completely knocked out!

At 5:20am, i woke up, rattled. I had only slept for less than an hour. I checked my phone and looked at the time... and i realized, it was the exact time Donni had called me a year ago. I was shook up... because he had come to me in a dream. I don't know whether it was just planted in my subconscious, or if it had some hocus-pocus to do with it... but it kinda freaked me out.

In my dream, i was sitting on a blanket, right next to a tree, in the middle of a garden. It seemed like it was a bright afternoon and there was nobody around. Donni came out from behind the tree and started to speak to me.
"Why didn't you wanna talk to me? Why didn't you help me when i needed you the most? I thought you were my friend... I thought i meant something to you. Why did you let me go?"
I began to plead, "I didn't know. Please understand. I'm sorry. I didn't know."
He exclaimed, "If you want to make it up to me, you'll come with me right now. Take my hand and come with me. We can start all over and everything will be alright."

This went on for a while. He kept asking me to take his hand and go with him somewhere. To make up for being a shitty friend. For giving up on him.
I kept on refusing, "I don't know what you're talking about. I can't go with you... i belong here... i can't go with you."
He always answered back, "Why weren't you there when i needed you? I thought you were my friend. Come with me and everything will be okay." His hand still held out.

Then, out of nowhere, Mars (my boyfriend) came into the picture. He looked at me and said, "Thea, you don't have to go with him. It wasn't your fault. Come home. C'mon, let's get out of here." He held out his hand, i took it, looked at Donni and said, "I'm sorry."

Next thing i knew, i was awake, in my hotel room, in bed, crying. (Drama, huh?)

I seriously felt, in my heart, that Donni thought i had given up on him. That i was a no good friend for letting him go. For not picking up the phone when he was hanging by a thread, facing the decision between life and death. I still don't know what to think...

I've had a few other dreams where Dons would come to me again, asking me to go with him to who-knows-where. I don't know if i'm just being paranoid, if it has anything to do with what i feel, or if it really means something...

I do know that deep down inside, i feel guilty. This is something that triggers me, and i get really emotional. What was going on in his life that was so bad, he just gave up? How horrible did he feel to do something so final? How hopeless did life look that he just wanted to let go? I know i'll never figure this out and that nobody has the answers... but i wish i could understand.

The last time i ever spoke to him, he got mad at me... he was pissed off because i couldn't make it to his birthday thing in Sagada. Supposedly, it was gonna be one huge smoke-out session. It was important to him that i'd be there... but i turned down his invitation because i was working, i had tons to do, and Sagada? I didn't have time for a smoke-out session in Sagada. I told him i'd make up for it... i never did.

Also, about two months before he passed away, i was in Baguio for a graduation. We agreed to meet up while i was there... but it never happened. I was there for a whole week. I hung out with our other buddy, Ken... but Donni didn't show up. The week passed, and by the time i was on a bus, 3 hours away from Baguio, Donni calls and says he had just arrived in Baguio... and he was looking for me and Ken. Ken left 2 days before i did... and i was on a bus heading back to Manila.

He signed my yearbook the year i left Brent Baguio... he said that there will never be a goodbye between the two of us. He said that what we had was a friendship that will linger and keep on going for all the years to come. We were gonna keep in touch and stay tight forever. We thought that he was the male me and i was the female him. We clicked from day 1. We went through so much together and it killed me to leave him when i had to move to Manila. He was a good person. He was always happy, which is why i still can't understand what happened. We were never supposed to have a goodbye...

I believe that we meet different poeple in our lives at a certain time for a purpose. You're only given so much time... and when your time is up, it's up. That's that. Our lives are made up of different chapters that form us as unique individuals and each experience defines us a person. We go through so many different things in our lives. Some good & some bad... but we are what we are because of what we've been through. The people we meet along the way also help us find ourselves... and sometimes, they are the chapter.

I will never forget Donni & everything he represented and brought into my life. Our crazy days together i consider to be the best days of my life (now, next to the birth of my son, of course). So yea, that chapter is over... i've already gone through a few others and now, i've just about started a new one... but i know i'm never gonna forget it. I miss him, i really do.

So Donni... until our lives cross paths again... it's about done in this life... so maybe the next.

*PeAcE*

gAsP

2004-08-30T15:44:00.000+08:00

***whoa! i have a lota catching up to do. Haven't been able to update coz my son needs me. I don't have a yaya (i refuse to get one), and being a single mom really takes a lot out of a person. whew! God intended for parents to instantly fall in love with their kids, because otherwise, the human species would become extinct (due to parents abandoning their kids because it's frikin' cRaZy!). I'm just playing... kind of. I'm in love with my son, he means the world to me and everybody knows that. However, i'm gonna dedicate an entire post discussing the downside of motherhood... because it's not always rainbows and daisies. And society sees a complaining mom as a "bad mother". So not true... and only other mothers out there will fully understand.

*whEEze*gAsp*pUff*whEEze*
i went to the gym today for the first time in... hmm... let's see... a year! and HoLy ShiEt!!! Getting started all over again is so hard, i'm about ready to accept myself as FaT (no offense to overweight people). But i'm not really gonna do that... because i'm determined to fit into my old clothes and will not be completely happy until i do. And i'm not talking about fitting into my clothes in a pilit manner, i'm talking about fitting into my clothes comfortably. God, i miss wearing my jeans.

So i got up bright and early today. I hitched a ride to the gym with Mars. I got there, did the whole registration bit, and was introduced to a trainer. This guy was gonna show me around and introduce me to a routine that i should do from now on. I started off with the treadmill... 30 minutes. Piece of Cake. By this time, i was thinking, "wow, that was easy. I'm probably not so out of shape as i thought". Then, i did the bike thing... another 30 minutes. *gAsP* *arg* *diZZy* Who ever thought that riding a bike would be so hard?! I thought the treadmill would murder me and that the bike would be nothing! i guess i got it all wrong. Then i did a bit of weights and finished off with some crunches. Good God... doesn't sound like much but it really kicked my ass. *boo hoo* i'm so outa shape.

I now realize that it's gonna take a lot of time and a lot of hard work and determination to achieve my desired figure. I gained 60 pounds throughout my pregnancy and i've already lost 45 pounds just by being a mother... but this last 15 pounds is such a bitch. I long for Toblerone that can make me lose pounds and inches with every triangle. ha! dream on...

But really, i'm taking this work out seriously. I used to do it religiously, and i don't remember it being this hard. *arg* I'm considering taking some of the classes too... heard some of them were really good.

That trainer, his name is Don, told me to hire him as my personal trainer... for 5,600 pesos a month. Are you kidding me?! the gym is expensive enough, and now they want me to hire someone to tell me what to do and kill me in the process of losing weight? hell nah! (i'm only joking) i know a personal trainer would help a lot and probably force me to lose weight faster... but that rate is pretty steep. I could use that money for milk and diapers...

So there... my first day at the gym. This is gonna be one looooooong process. I'll let you know when i fit in my "skinny jeans" again. *sigh*

f@#n$#!%+ cLowNs

2004-08-16T14:01:00.000+08:00

Clowns are supposed to be funny. They're hired to do magic tricks at a kid's party, dance at a circus, and serve as entertainment at amusement parks. Kids are supposed to love them and people are supposed to find them to be quite amusing... but they're not.

Call me nutty, but clowns seriously freak me out. They're seriously scary. Even just thinking about it sends shivers up my spine.

I'm writing about this because a few days ago i saw this commercial on AXN... it's the new Nokia commercial (i think) and it involved a whole bunch of clowns. I knew i was terrified of clowns before, but it was only til i saw this commercial that it was confirmed that I have serious fear of clowns (there's got to be a name for it). They scare the living daylights outa me.

If somebody wanted to play a mean prank on me, the perfect one that would scare me shitless outa my pants... involves clowns. If someone tricked me into entering a room and locked the door behind me, and i found myself in a plain white room filled with dozens of clowns doing their thing or just staring at me... i would freak out and go insane. If somebody went into that room to check up on me no later than 5 minutes, i'd probably be found curled up in a corner, rocking back and forth, mumbling nonsense, just asking for everything to stop or "make it go away".

There's nothing amusing about them. If i heard "clown music" in the dark, it would scare me. The "clown laugh" would make me cry. And a clown popping up outa nowhere... i'd probably scream like there was no tomorrow and run like a lunatic (that's if i don't get a heart attack first).

BLAH! *arg* i hate clowns. My parents hired a clown for my little sister's party when she was like 10 or 11... i couldn't go because that clown was there and i didn't wanna be anywhere near it. I was at Enchanted Kingdom a few years back and this clown came up to me asking if i wanted to take a picture with him (Why would anyone?!), and i ran away. And when i was watching that commercial, there's this one bit where they run towards the camera and they appeared to be coming closer and fear rushed over me. Am i crazy?

I don't know. There just seems to be too much mystery behind them. I feel like there's evil lurking underneath all that fake, colorful hair, baggy clothes, and unbelievably thick makeup. It just really scares me...

But that's just me. I scare easy because i've got a seriously crazy, wild imagination. I'm a total wimp. Anything that has anything to do with ghostly, haunted, spirit, mystic, creepy, old, dark shit--- all that terrifies me. Total darkness, deafening silence, & being alone creeps me out. Whenever i'm left alone during a blackout, i freak. That's why i fuckin' hate it when a blackout happens and i'm in the shower--- with shampoo in my hair! Shadows scare me. My imagination is so wild i create shapes and a horror story starts playing in my head. Trees at night... staring at those leaves... *brrr* Dark corners, alleys, windows, and such... the list goes on and on.

I've tried to take control and get over my fears... but i just can't. This is why i can't watch horror flicks. The images stay in my head, and i get visuals at night. As stupid at this may seem, when i watched the Blair Witch Project & the Sixth Sense (all in the same day. what the fuck was i thinking?!), i couldn't sleep for like 3 weeks. I had to stay up at night, and sleep during the day. I got a serious case of insomnia because of that. I'm not even joking. The trailers of the horror flicks frighten me. I saw the trailer of Gothika... and the image of that girl at the end of the hall drove me nuts. I couldn't go to the bathroom at night for weeks because of that. It's not the story itself that frightens me... well, sometimes they do, but it's mostly the images that get stuck in my head (i've got Hollywood's expert make-up artists, and special effects people to thank for that). Which is why no matter how dull the story, if the make up, the acting (of the monster or ghost or whatever), and the image are convincing enough... it'll drive me up the walls.

I have enough images haunting me at night which is why i've retired from watching any kind of horror film. I don't care how stupid they are or how "not scary" it is... the answer is NO.

See, watching that simple, "harmless" Nokia commercial brought out the wimp in me. It got me all worked up and let those haunting images in my brain loose.

I can't help it... i wonder what it was that traumatized me as a child?

dyLan

2004-08-12T14:16:00.001+08:00

I just thought this was the cutest thing i've ever seen... he looks like such a little boy (u know what i mean). He's getting so big... We brought him to the mall for the very first time & he loved it! =)

**yea, that's my hand holding him up just to make sure he doesn't fall off the chair. haha! =)
check out the kicks!!! =p

He doesn't look very happy... probably knew we were gonna make him wear a dress... haha! =) He was also cranky coz he just woke up, it was crazy HOT, and we were taking pictures of him non-stop that day. hmm... it must be tough being the center of attention 24 hours a day. ha! =p we need to take a better picture together.

**He was wearing the cutest jumper. haha! and he had to wear this bonnet (for the christening) that made him look like a li'l Dutch boy! haha! (God, what parents do to their babies) But really, we didn't have a choice. He had to wear it. But he was adorable none the less. =) and yes, that's me... with 15 more pounds to lose and running on an hour and a half of sleep.

Dylan's laughing now... and he plays peek-a-boo! =) He's so much fun. He's so malikot! won't keep still for a second. He's so eager to start moving on his own. And he's hella madaldal. Always trying to talk, coo-ing away, always has something to say. I wish i could understand him. He's just so amazing... the progress he's making just blows me away! He's my own little ray of sunshine. =)

$ cash money $

2004-08-10T17:37:00.000+08:00

"money makes the world go round"

Most people these days will do almost anything for a buck. Check out all the reality tv shows... it's all about money, money, money. What a person can do is limited depending on the amount of money they have in their bank account. People think that the more money you got, the more fun you have.

The prices of everything nowadays is ridiculous, seriously. Compare how things are now to how everything cost, let's say about 40 years ago... and the difference is crazy! It takes so much money to do even the simplest things in today's world. I freakin' hate it.

Of course, i'm complaining. Having a baby cost big bucks! Such a tiny person, so many needs. The cost of diapers and milk alone is no joke. Clothes aren't so cheap either and they only use it for a few months until you have to buy new ones because the old ones don't fit anymore. Not to mention the things that they need like a bath tub, a high chair, a crib, a set of drawers, toys, bottles, sheets and such. What more if you hire a yaya to help? It's crazy. And because of this (if you're a normal person in the "middle class" register of society) you're forced to give up certain luxuries you used to indulge in before "me" turned into "we". *arg*

Can you imagine what life as Oprah is like? for somebody who makes 140 million dollars a year? or Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? who built a house on an island that they own? or bought matching mercedes-something-really-expensive just because they could (or because Brad Pitt didn't like the color but Jen liked it so he gave it to her and bought a new one for himself)? How about Michael Jackson? He has his own theme park in his back yard (well, not anymore coz it got repossessed or something coz he's gone broke... but my point is he had one). What about a main cast member on Friends? They made over 1 million dollars per episode!!! There's that much money going around yet there are still starving people in Africa... hmm... it's a wonder.

For once, i'd like to know what it feels like to be financially independent. Go on a shopping spree and not care about how much i'm spending... don't even bother to look at the price tags! Just buy stuff because i like it and know i can afford it no matter how expensive it is. *sigh* Wouldn't that be something? Hop on a plane whenever and go to wherever just because i can. =) I'd like to be able to buy anything for the ones i love (without worrying how much it's gonna cost or whether i'll be able to afford it) just because i know it'll make them happy. Wouldn't that be great? Fully pamper myself in a spa for a whole day twice or even three times a week just because i want to... *hihi* wow... maybe some day. For now, i can dream, can't i?

gratitude

2004-08-06T17:06:00.000+08:00

*** just recently, a friend of mine wrote a whole entry dedicated to gratitude and it really got me thinking. No matter how bad one's life seems to get, there will always be something to be thankful for. If you think about it and find even just one thing that makes you happy, or something simple to be thankful for, then consider yourself lucky... because out there, there are millions of people who'd give anything to be in your place.

a different world...
I think it was last week, i had a dentist appointment at Shangri La. My sister, Aix, and I were gonna take the train because we decided that it would be really convenient and we wanted to go on a little "adventure" (haha). Who knew a simple train ride could be such an eye opener. You see a lota shit going on just walking the streets of Manila. Children roaming the streets trying to make a peso (and who knows whether it's to feed their families or to be given to some kind of synidicate). Children sleep on the island that separates the highways. What kind of a childhood is that? Families living on the side of the road or in cardboard houses next to the ilog filled with basura. Homeless people starving, just lying on the streets, looking like they're almost dead. Just look at Cubao and see all those people trying to find some sort of way to make a living... just to scrap up enough dough to make a so-called living. It's really sad... and it's hard to imagine a world so cruel, so ugly, & so painful... yet it truly does exist.

Out there, there are lives completely different from ours. Imagine having to work your whole life just to be able to put whatever kind of food on the table. Imagine a life full of straight up hard work & never ending struggles. Imagine being born into a life where opportunities are so limited... where your life has been written because they knew that it would never get better... a life where their main concern was simply to survive.

But there are certain people in that situation who are okay with the way things are... who appreciate the simplest things in life. That is something to truly admire.

back in our world...
i think we all manage to take things for granted... no matter how big or small. We fail to see the big picture and somehow concentrate on the bad detail. Nowadays it seems like it's so much easier to be negative and it's a lot harder to think positive. We often forget to appreciate the many blessings in our lives... i know i do. So here goes nothing...

I am thankful/grateful for...

Dylan. Who changed my life, came into this world completely unexpected and chose me to be his mother. Because of him i have learned to be more loving & more responsible. His simple presence can lift anyone's spirit & has brought my family closer together. My experience with him has opened my eyes and made me realize so much. He is my world & i love him more than anything.

My Mom & Dad. For all the love, support, & encouragement they have given me throughout my whole life. For the bond that we share. For never giving up on me no matter how impossible i became. For always making sure that i got the best things in life & for always guiding me towards the right direction. For understanding me so well & fully accepting me for the person i am.

My sister, Aica. Who became my best friend the day i decided i would stop picking on her. She's the only person in the world who i can go completely insane with and she always gets me. We have our weird moments that never fail to make me laugh. Our milliions and millions of inside jokes that are so crazy, i'll laugh by myself and people will think i'm weird. She's always willing to listen (but sometimes i nag so much she gets impatient, however, listens to me anyway) and is there for me no matter what the situation. She will forever keep me grounded and tells me how it is straight up. I love her unconditionally & she means the world to me.

Mars. Who strongly, sincerely, and unconditionally loves me as he does. He's always there for me whenever i need a shoulder to cry on. For never giving up on us no matter how insane it got. For sticking around & getting me through the difficult times and sharing with me the happiest ones. For his never ending support & encouragement... for understanding me and fully accepting me as i am despite my ugly imperfections.

The people who love me, food on the table, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, & a good education.

My happy childhood. My crazy, rollercoaster-of-a-ride teenage years--- where i learned so much & figured out who the hell i am and what i'm all about. And now, the beginning of a wonderful motherhood... =)

Toblerone, Ferrero Rocher, Haagen Dazs, Cibo, Big Chill, Auntie Anne's, Starbucks/Seattle's Best, & Mrs. Fields.

*sigh*
yes, life is good... =)
... watch it get better.

sleep deprived

2004-08-04T15:46:00.000+08:00

Aug. 1, 2004 * Dylan's Baptismal

just my opinion:
If it were up to me and Mars... we wouldn't have had a baptismal for Dylan. But we wanted to end all the nagging and the controversy revolving around the idea, so we agreed to have it done. It was a safe decision... this way nobody gets offended and nobody gets hurt. We picked the ninongs and the ninangs based on friendship & trust. The official ones are in there... but we also included those that just had to be in there (if you know what i mean). I'm not evil or anything... but i just couldn't deal with the stress anymore. The weeks before the baptismal, i was seriously stressing over how we were gonna pull it all off... and it was hard. In the end, we went with the simplest idea... "let's just put em all in there". Besides, those who'll take it seriously will stick around, and for those who won't, if they disappear, it's no loss.

We also didn't wanna spend too much. The baby shower was enough, i thought... and i hate playing host. So the reception was another thing to think about and yet again just added to the stress. This time, Tina, Mars' sister, volunteered to cater... and she actually did a very good job. *yay* We put up tents on the garden, had tables and chairs brought in and balloons to decorate the place. It was really pretty... white and baby blue all over. =)

To make it clear, I believe in a God... just not a particular one. I believe bits and pieces from different religions... i agree with some, i disagree with others. I'm catholic/christian... just not a practicing one. I'm not religious, however, i do pray, i have beliefs, morals, and values... i'm just not under a certain category... you know what i mean.

so there...

one long day...
My day starts at 5:30am. *blech* Our little soldier is up and he wants to be fed. So naturally, i get up... slowly, & half asleep, i walk over to his crib and pick him up. I've had only an hour and a half of sleep, i'm cranky as hell, and i know i have a long day ahead of me... i need to get this feeding over with and go back to sleep. He flashes me that big, bright, good morning smile he does every single morning... and that was it. I was under his spell. I had no idea what i was in for... this was the beginning of one long day.

Usually, right after he eats, Dylan falls right back to sleep again. We get an average of 8 hours of sleep together at night. He'll wake up for one feeding in the middle of the night. If i'm lucky, he'll eat after 8 hours and fall back to sleep... in that case, sometimes i get 10 hours of sleep. *yay* those are our good days. But it was all interrupted the day he got his shots. Ever since then, he's been a bit cranky. His sleeping pattern got all messed up. We lost the schedule we had worked so hard on achieving... that was 2 and half months of discipline and training down the drain. *sob*

So the little man is up. Wide eyed and active. I was stubborn as hell though and i tried to do everything in my power to put this guy back to sleep. I tried rocking him, feeding him some more, not talking to him and just swaying... basically, i tried everything. Nothing worked. For a whole hour and a half, i tried to put him back to sleep. This little man was wide awake.

So it's 7am... and i take him outside on his stroller to go soak up some sun and absorb that Vitamin D. His non-stop smiling and constant coo-ing amuses me and he was just so darn adorable... i just had to play with him. I couldn't be upset with him... i just couldn't. But after an hour of playing with him... my battery was running low and i was in desperate need of help... so i called my mom and asked her to come over asap.

It was a big day, and there was just so much to be done... i knew i wouldn't survive running on an hour and a half of sleep so i was desperate to get some rest. When my mom got to the house, it was such a relief. I fixed up a few balloons, chatted for a bit (by this time i was so delirious, i just blabbed nonsense) until my mom told me to shut up and get some sleep. I went into the room, got on the bed, shut my eyes, and tried to sleep... wouldn't you know it? i couldn't. I was just thinking about so many things and stressing so much that my brain just wouldn't shut off. After a whole hour of trying, i got so frustrated, i started to cry. (haha!) No use in being useless... so i got up and officially started my day.

First on my list, manicure and pedicure. When you're taking care of a baby, that's your life and you tend to forget about yourself a bit. I wasn't gonna go see everybody and show up with ugly nails. Besides, it was my "feel good" thing for me that week. So I headed to the salon & got myself a Grande Cafe Mocha. *yay*

We were supposed to be at the church by 4pm. By the time i got back to the house it was already 2pm. I started getting ready right away. and blah blah blah.

We were running late coz there was just so much chaos going on. But despite all that, we sorta got to the church on time. But where were all the ninangs? I specifically told the ninangs to be at the church at 4pm SHARP. I reminded them earlier that morning even... they didn't really do much as far as being involved with the whole baptism thing went... all they had to do was show up at the church on time... and they couldn't even do that. It wasn't only disappointing... it was mad frustrating. I didn't even know what to think anymore. I don't even wanna elaborate on what was going through my head at the time.

We happened to pick the hottest day of the year to have the baptism at a non-airconditioned church too. It was horrible.

There was a line for all the baptisms for that day. The priest was getting impatient so we couldn't wait any longer and had to start already. So we did it... with 2 ninongs and 4 ninangs... and the (supposedly) 3 "official" ninangs missing. I was pissed... but didn't have enough energy to show it. And i didn't wanna spoil everything by being in a bad mood... so whatever. I let it slide. I didn't care anymore. The people who were considerate enough to be there on time were there... and that was appreciated.

I'm so happy that Dylan was so well behaved and was such an angel throughout the whole thing. I guess he figured i was stressing enough already and decided he'd take it easy on me. =)

The missing ninangs got there like 10 minutes before the ceremony ended... and the first thing they said to me was, "you guys actually started on time?" arg... oh puh-lease. "well... yea." *blech* atleast they showed up? right?

5pm. The reception was at the house... and when we got there, everybody said that it was so pretty. The food was great too, so everything went well. =)

I spent the rest of the night "socializing" and "catching up" with old friends. But i was so delirious i could barely hold a straight conversation. It was hard! and everytime i went into the room to take a breather, maybe lie down and rest, i couldn't. Everybody seemed to invite themselves into the bedroom and invade the bed. So i couldn't do that. I tried my best to stay up... it was a struggle. Sure, i was glad to see everybody and it was nice to hang out... but all i could really think about was getting some sleep. I was so sleep deprived... i didn't know what to do. But i stuck it out, i was a trooper... i stayed up and hung out with everybody til about 10pm. Thank God they all decided they wanted to do movie night and catch a movie at greenbelt... i don't think i coulda made it any longer.

By the time they had all left, i had taken a shower and was ready for bed, Dylan was asleep too... he had such an exciting day. He saw so many different people, heard all the different voices, and took a car ride to a place he had never seen before. The little soldier was out cold.

I'm just glad it's all over now... we're not gonna be doing anything like this probably til his 1st birthday. ha! 9 more months to go. =) I'll be spending the rest of the week trying to recharge and catch up on some sleep... i'm glad Dylan's decided to take it easy on me. And I'm ever so glad that my mom and Aix are more than willing to come over to babysit when i need them...

Dylan's 3 months old today... i've never been more in love. =) *sigh*

QBeRt

2004-08-03T17:37:00.000+08:00

* July 31, 2004 * Saturday * The Loft, Rockwell *

Breakin' it down...
it was my first time out since November, last year. The days before that were spent contemplating whether i should really go or just stay at home. It wasn't as simple as just "going out to see Qbert, one of, if not the, greatest DJ in the world". It meant going out. Seeing people. Wearing something decent (and the chore of looking for something to wear is not so fun right now). Leaving Dylan at home for more than a couple of hours. Basically, it was doing something i wasn't used to anymore, and technically, something i didn't even like to do anymore.

In the end, however, i decided to go. I missed Qbert's showcase the last time he was here... this was my opportunity to make up for that & i thought if i missed this one again, i might end up regretting it. So i went...

I decided to go in track pants, sneakers, and a sweater. haha! =) it was comfortable, and it worked to my advantage. It made me appear slimmer than i really am, and it was cold at the Loft, so my outfit was just right for the occassion (well, i think). We got there at around 10:30pm. Traffic on EDSA was a bitch. We parked, got out of the car and headed towards the entrance. (this may sound so dramatic, but i really didn't know what to do, what to expect, or anything. It felt like this was all so new to me). We got our stamp, and headed upstairs.

The place was empty. The amount of people in there couldn't even cover HALF of a quarter of the room. I felt relieved, at first. I didn't have to run into so many people, it wouldn't get crowded and stuffy, and the smoke level would stay at a minimum. Then, i felt embarrassed. The Philippines is Qbert's homeland... and the support he gets from the people here... well, it isn't something to brag about. Most of the HipHop posers in this country really just don't get it. Where the hell was everybody? hmm... on a Saturday night? well... Halo was an option... and i think Greenbelt had something going on. I don't think enough advertising was done to promote this event at all. The people who showed up either knew somebody who had something to do with the event, or was a friend of that somebody who knew somebody who had something to do with the event. Pretty sad, huh? oh, and the cover charge was 250 pesos... i know a grip of people who wouldn't pay a peso to get inot a club no matter how bitchin' it was inside. ha! So i know, that contributed to the lacking-of-people factor. 250 pesos cover charge repels people from a party like rats from a burning building (i'm just playin. It's probably not that bad).

So, i'm standing there waiting for something to happen. There was a local DJ playing... i wasn't really paying attention to what he was doing. So i can't really remember whether he was trying to do a showcase of his own or plain mixing beats. There were a couple of performances waiting to go on before Qbert did his thing... and they said that wouldn't start until the place was filled up. Who were they kidding?! Seriously, that place had no hope of filling up. I'm not kidding. I'm telling you, it was sad.

I've been out of the house for 2 freakin' hours and still... nothing. i thought i was only gonna be there til 11:30pm. 12am at the latest. It was weird standing there... i was actually out. I was observing how everything was. What the people did, who was hanging out with who, what kinda music they were playing... and you know what was different from the last time i went out? (Which was last year, mind you). Not a damn thing. Yes, it was the same people, doing the same old thing, listening to the same played out music. It was weird. I guess i really didn't miss out on anything, huh? Familiar faces came up to me and asked me where i've been... and when i responded, "Actually, i was pregnant, and i just gave birth." They wouldn't believe me. I got a few, "no, really..." and a couple of, "ha! good one. what? you were outa the country or something?" and i would just stand there and be like, "No... seriously. i have a son now." Some, believed me... and would continue with either, "congratulations" or (i hate this one) "ah! kaya pala tumaba ka..." and others just really didn't take me seriously and walk off with "ha! good one." so there. Other people didn't even ask where i've been or what happened to me (which i really really liked).

I wanted to go home... and i was slowly starting to regret that i had come out that night. In a way, i was being reassured that that certain phase in my life is completely over. I'm focusing on a whole different kind of thing now. I'm just not what i used to be anymore. Everything's changed...

ok, really--- QBeRt!
Finally, at around 12:30am or 1am (not really sure, all i know is i waited for a really long time)... Qbert was gonna play. The sad thing was, there were less people now that he was finally on than there were when the bands were playing or the opening Dj's. QBeRt's roadie/tech guy actually came up to me and my gurls an hour before saying, "Thank you so much for staying and for supporting us... this is the last leg of our tour. Right before this, we came from Australia and performed for over 7,000 people! we come to our homeland and we're out tonight to perform for 7 people. We appreciate you guys staying out tonight. Thanks." and he wasn't being sarcastic... he was actually sincere. I guess he was just glad that there were people there.

The Philippines was the last leg of the tour. Before coming here, they performed in Australia, Japan, & Korea. Based on the videos being shown on the screen... each event housed thousands of fans. The fans were all crazy for Qbert. Girls were having their boobs autographed (ha!), guys would have their heads signed, some even had tattoos of Qberts signature! *wow* To finish up their tour, they come here... i think it was even more of like a pity stop. "Why not drop by the Philippines coz it's our homeland?" type thing. They hardly had any support over here... it was embarassing.

anyway...

so QBeRt. This guy gets paid $10,000 for a 45 minute showcase (on a normal day... not so sure if that's the case with his performance here that night though). crazy, huh? =) But this guy is a genius. A tiny little MofO, but a genius. haha! He was walkin around talkin to people, and i just couldn't believe how tiny this guy was. He must be like 5.1" or something. But i'm not here to talk about his height... i'm here to comment on his performance. (well... i'm gonna try)

He carries with him an i-pOd, a huge flight case for his records (which i thought was a bit useless coz he only used like 2-3 records... so was that really necessary?) , and his very own designer deck (released by Vestax) called the QFO (i think). That QFO was the craziest thing! it's a turntable, a mixer, a "CD player" (but really, he just hooked up his i-pod to it, so it's just like his "music player"), the works, ALL IN ONE. It's this round deck, with the cross fader at the bottom, the volume levels for channels A & B on either side, right above it were the Lows, Mids, and Highs for each channel and effect buttons at the side, and the deck itself was the middle. Crazy and convenient.

Yoga Frog was his MC, and they had a camera taping every move Qbert was making. It appeared on a wide screen so the people who couldn't see what he was doing up front could just watch that.

I've never seen anybody manipulate beats & sounds the way this guy did... it was astounding. Everybody was in awe. He did everything a normal Dj could only aspire to be able to do. From baby scratches to the complex ones... it was genius and sheer perfection. Let me tell you, if i practiced 24 hours everyday til i'm 90, i still don't think i'd be able to pull all that off. He used everything on the deck... the cross fader, the knobs, the thingamabobs, and the whatchamacallits. His hands were floating oh-so-gracefully across that deck... and it was amazing. I couldn't believe that whatever he was doing up there was creating such dope beats. He made it look soooooooo EASY. But anybody who's ever tried to scratch, mix, blend, or juggle knows that it's no piece of cake. Foreal.

In a NutsHeLL...
He was done in less than an hour. I had waited for almost 4 hours. Don't get me wrong, i thought the showcase was great... but i felt like it was something that i could've appreciated even if i had just watched it on DVD. *tsk tsk tsk*

Walking to the car, i was tired, thirsty, wreaked of cigarette smoke (coz smokers don't care whether it's a non-smoking venue or not... they just light up whenever they please), my throat was coarse... and i just wanted to get home, get some sleep, and check how Dylan was doing (coz i was really missing him).

In a nutshell... I went out, saw Qbert, but at the end of the night, i wish i had just stayed home. *sigh*

I was in for a rough night too... Dylan hasn't been sleeping very well lately (ever since he got his shots, for some reason). Well... he sleeps alright, but he's cranky when he gets up for his middle-of-the-night- feedings. Then, he wakes up hella early (as in 5am early), and stays awake! and since i'm the only person who can really take care of him in this house... it gets very very draining... and some days--- extremely frustrating. What's worse... the following day was his Baptismal Day. So i knew i wouldn't be able to take a nap in the middle of the day or anything. *blech* and true enough... he woke up at 5am... and i functioned the whole day on an hour and a half of sleep. Believe that...

But that's a whole different story...

bragging rights

2004-07-30T14:24:00.000+08:00

i am crazy in love with Dylan. To me, he is the most adorable creature to ever walk (or lie upon? drool on?) the face of the earth. What kind of mother wouldn't feel that way about their baby? =) Since nobody wants to hear me ramble on and on about my baby (coz they're all so sick of hearing it every day), i'll just write about it. After the cruel ordeal i had to endure (which is pregnancy, of course--- morning sickness, weight gain, severe swelling, aching joints, stretch marks, weak bladder, etc), the labor i had to go through (and they don't call it labor for nothing, believe me!), and finally pushing him out to see the world... i think i've earned bragging rights fair and square. =) so there.

***drugs are greeeaaat, first of all. =P My doctor was fabulous! and men... (i think) will never get it.

I remember gazing into his eyes for the very first time... and it was like meeting a tiny stranger but not (if you know what i mean). It truly was love at first sight... and i can honestly say that now i know the true meaning of love. Not just love on its own, but pure, unconditional love. I would move mountains and swim shark infested waters for this boy if i had to.

He has the prettiest, big, brown, puppy dog eyes. The cutest, curly, brown hair. His cheeks are so pudgy! He's got folds on his arms and legs (and his arms are so short)! He has the tiniest, little hands with chubby, little fingers. The smallest little feet and he wiggles his toes all the time! they're like hands. He's adorable even when he cries. You can't ever get mad at him coz he's so darn irresistible. He's so cute, i just wanna squash him, & attack him with kisses (omigod, i'm turning into one of those mothers).

But, really... wow. He just never ceases to enchant me. I still go *aaww* and *eeee* at everything that he does even though i've seen it a million times. No matter how cranky and how drained i am, it just takes one smile to turn my mood around, lift my spirit, and light up my day. It never fails... he greets me every single morning, when i pick him up, with the sweetest smile. I just melt.

He's almost 3 months old. He's flipped over from tummy to back. He smiles all the time (especially when he can recognize the face. That's how you can tell who the favorites are). He's just about starting to laugh. He loves taking a bath, hates taking his vitamins, he'll play on his own when he's in the mood, he loves being rocked to sleep, he'll *coo* when he's in a really good mood, he screams like a girl, farts like a man, shrieks when we don't understand him, & he loves loves luuuuuvs his mommy. *hihi*

He's doing so well... i'm like the "proud mother" just waiting for people to ask me how he's doing so i can blab away and give them a full report on his life story. But i'm not psycho and i know how people respond to that, so i keep myself calm and collected and keep the bragging to a minimum.

I'm loving motherhood. At the end of the day, i'm physically tired, but spiritually alive. He makes me happy... and that's enough for me. I'm gonna love watching him grow up. =)

issues

2004-07-28T17:01:00.000+08:00

there are so many things going on in my life right now, i don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure you can really tag this as complaining... but to make it clear, this is just venting.

I've been thinking of what i could write about and i have just come to realize that aside from Dylan, everything i seem to think about just so happens to be negative. So not good.

My living situation. I don't even know where to begin with this one. When you live in a place where you can't be completely yourself, without a doubt, you're uncomfortable. No matter how much you fit in or how settled in you are, you're not completely comfortable if deep down inside you just can't really be yourself. This is how i feel. Sure, i was invited and they treat me like i'm part of the family... but it's just not the same. There's something about it that's not right and it just doesn't sit well with me. There are certain things i wanna do around the house that i can't... because it's not my place. It drives me up the walls. And i've been dealing with this for a while now...

My funds. I am just straight up not the dependent type. I hate asking for money and it kills me to have somebody else buy me the things i need for my normal every day life. Nowadays, i hate walking around the mall looking at things and finding something i like and knowing i can't buy it because i can't afford it... because i don't wanna ask for it. I'm just the type of person who likes being independent... and the best situation for me is where i don't have to depend on anybody else to take care of me. I wanna do great and be able to survive all on my own. I've done it before... and i sure as hell will do it again. That's on hold right now because i have a certain little somebody who constantly needs me... i just wish there was a way i could work around it.

My friends. uh... yeah. *blah* This is a topic that really disappoints me. I know how stressful and how busy one's life can get... so in a way, there's room for understanding. But really... *blah*. Seriously, how difficult is it to pick up your phone and check up on a person once in a while... especially when you consider em to be one of your closest and "bestest" friends? I'm not even gonna start elaborating on how things played out in the past year. i get really agitated just thinking about it. So that's that... for now.

My family. I'm homesick. I miss them. I miss the noise, the company, & just simply being around them. I miss having breakfast with my mom and having talks with my dad. I miss being crazy, weird, & stupid all day, everyday with my sister. I actually miss seeing my brothers argue... because sometimes it's so pointless, it's funny. Most of all, i just miss having that "family atmosphere". You just get so used to everbody because you've been around them all your life... it's the "comfort zone". When all in the world seems to be going wrong, it's nice to know that you can seek refuge & find peace at home with your family. Sure, it's not always perfect... but hey, what is?
** i grew up with these people. I always had company... and a sudden switch to living in a box with nobody in the house all day is not so easy to deal with.

My significant other. I miss him too. I understand that he has to work, and that there are a million things that need to be done... but seriously. He's not just missing out, he's missing us.

Me. It's been 3 months since i've given birth. When i was pregnant i gained almost 60 pounds. So far i've lost about 45 pounds... and sure, that's great... but not fitting into my old clothes just really annoys me. Call me "arte" or obssessed about my weight, or impatient, or whatever... but seriously, it just bugs me. I put on an old pair of pants and yea, it fits... but i look like suman in it! If you've never been pregnant or have never given birth, you don't have a say in this (because you don't understand). But i know all the new mommies out there feel me.

Anyway, i think this is enough of me being a brat for today. For someone who's got so much to say, my brain just isn't up to speed.

i'll probably be back to my old self by tomorrow... if i'm lucky, maybe later this afternoon. This is "Thea who didn't get enough sleep last night so i'm cranky don't talk to me" signing out.

love at first sight

2004-07-27T17:43:00.000+08:00

born on a Tuesday, May 4, 2004, at 4:16pm,
Asian Hospital & Medical Center.
6.2 pounds, 51 cm, wavy brown hair, & beautiful brown eyes.
It was love at first sight. =)

DyLaN MattHew is almost 3 months old now... he's healthy, happy, & extremely loved. =)

He changed my life & i love him more than anything else in this world.

buzz kill

2004-07-26T16:43:00.000+08:00

nobody understands what being a new mom is like... unless you're a mom yourself. So if you've never given birth to a child, have never been pregnant for 9-10 months, have never experienced morning sickness, severe swelling, uncontrollable weight gain (not to mention the stretch marks), having a weak bladder, intense contractions, hours of labor, and the healing process postpartum, you have absolutely no right to say that being a mother is "over rated", that "you're over reacting", or when us moms tend to ramble on about how hard it is, that "it can't be that bad" or, you "understand"... because NO, you don't.

everybody's been asking me when that time will come when i give in to my old self and live life the way i used to. I don't think they understand that that'll NEVER happen again. That my priorities are completely different and my life has completely changed.

i used to be an idiot. I would go out every single night of the week (except Sundays, because i have values and thought that i would make Sunday "spending time with my family" day), drink (most of the time get drunk), smoke, and stay up til the wee hours of the morning, sleep all day, wake up and do it all over again. Back then, i thought it was fun. I'll take it easy on myself for a bit here and let you know that i was out a lot because i was working and i had to make money. Yes, i was paid to have fun. I never bought my own drinks, everywhere we went we could get in for free, the city was ours for the taking. I spent all that time with my bestest friends, dancing the night away, drinking til we were stupid & basically just having "fun".

now, i'm 21, responsible for the life of a beautiful baby boy... and they ask me, "so, when are you coming back out?"

is this really how it is?
new mom = buzz kill ?

when my friends ask me how i'm doing, i respond by saying "we're fine. we're doing really good." All of a sudden, i'm a WE. I can tell you everything that's happening in my son's life, a full report on his progress and what his life is like... but i can't seem to find the words to describe how I'M doing all on my own. So if you're not a mom, most likely you're not gonna take an interest in me blabbing about how my baby is doing and what life is like with a child. That's buzz kill #1... i can't hold a descent conversation anymore. I almost don't care about what's going on in the world unless it has something to do with babies.

Alcohol and Cigarettes. Won't touch the stuff. I hate the smell, i hate the taste. (it's just something being pregnant does to a former alcoholic/smoker). So if ya'll drink and constantly light up... you're not gonna wanna be around me. And that, is buzz kill #2. First of all, (how do i put this in a decent way?) i am producing milk (haha)... and smoking and drinking just doesn't quite make the cut of what i'm allowed to be exposed to. What i take, i pass on to my son, and i take this very seriously. So there...

Partying all night. Can't do it. I hardly get enough sleep as it is... and whatever time i spend away from my son, i'm thinking about him anyway. So seriously, what is the point? I'm either gonna nag about leaving early or bore you to death so you take me home early. Besides, the night life in MAnila isn't quite like what it used to be anyway... from what i heard, it's shit. So why waste my time and energy? yup, buzz kill #3.

Give me a few months... things will never be the way they used to be... NEVER. My life is NoThiNg like the way it was exactly a year ago. And it's not like it's something i can easily go back to. Things are different now. I'm different now. But i like this change. I stare at Dylan when he's asleep... and i fall in love with him all over again. He truly is something. He's precious and i wouldn't trade him for anything in this world.

getting to know this

2004-07-24T19:09:00.000+08:00

i heard that this was supposed to be therapeutic... but before i start writing my innermost feelings, random ideas, and thoughts... i needa learn how to use this first. haha! i'm just not a computer or internet person... so this is actually a bit difficult for me. E-mail was as far as i would go.

How do i post pictures? i tried reading the instructions... but it was far too complicated for me... =/